Over the Shock and GALing 6

[AlexEN]

Thinker,

Your post reminded me of something I'd long-since forgotten. My W had always accused me of having "anger management" issues. So, we agreed to go see an "expert" together. Almost immediately, he started addressing her anger issues and mine were cast aside. He honed in on her (and her anger) and how it related to her FOO issues. Needless to say, she became very defensive (and angry) that he believed it was she who had the issues and my anger issues (despite what W had me believing about myself) were well within the "normal" range. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with anger. How it manifests itself can be problematic. In any event, we stopped going soon thereafter, because at that point it all became "psychobabble" to her... Wonder if your C might notice the same in your W... Other scary similarity between your W and mine is the lengths to which my W went to undermine our New Beginnings Workshop program (a less religious version of Retrouvaille) and total unwillingness to "work" on her own issues... Doesn't answer your what letting go means question, but you're not alone in terms of the symptoms you are seeing...

-AlexEN

[Greek]

I disagree, Gucci. I don't think Mrs. T is loud and clear at all. If she is dead set in her position, why hasn't she left...or filed...why did she want her wedding ring replaced?

Greek

[Greek]

Thinker,

Your post reminded me of something I'd long-since forgotten. My W had always accused me of having "anger management" issues. So, we agreed to go see an "expert" together. Almost immediately, he started addressing her anger issues and mine were cast aside. He honed in on her (and her anger) and how it related to her FOO issues. Needless to say, she became very defensive (and angry) that he believed it was she who had the issues and my anger issues (despite what W had me believing about myself) were well within the "normal" range. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with anger. How it manifests itself can be problematic. In any event, we stopped going soon thereafter, because at that point it all became "psychobabble" to her... Wonder if your C might notice the same in your W... Other scary similarity between your W and mine is the lengths to which my W went to undermine our New Beginnings Workshop program (a less religious version of Retrouvaille) and total unwillingness to "work" on her own issues... Doesn't answer your what letting go means question, but you're not alone in terms of the symptoms you are seeing...

-AlexEN

Anger is blinding, I have to say. I learned a valuable lesson in this with Coach. He really was an angry guy - it came out in socially acceptable ways - but I knew what it was and it really took a toll on us. When he started to get a good handle on it and working through it, guess who else found out what anger really is? Yep - the Greek. Coach would tell me "YOU have an anger problem, too." I remember resisting that to the nth degree b/c I couldn't see it to save my life....until he got his under control. That really highlighted for me where my anger resided. And that's scary, for the record.

On some level, I must have known this about myself but was able to avoid it so very long by making Coach's anger the focus. Glad I cut that junk out
Greek

[AlexEN]

Thinker,

Your post reminded me of something I'd long-since forgotten. My W had always accused me of having "anger management" issues. So, we agreed to go see an "expert" together. Almost immediately, he started addressing her anger issues and mine were cast aside. He honed in on her (and her anger) and how it related to her FOO issues. Needless to say, she became very defensive (and angry) that he believed it was she who had the issues and my anger issues (despite what W had me believing about myself) were well within the "normal" range. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with anger. How it manifests itself can be problematic. In any event, we stopped going soon thereafter, because at that point it all became "psychobabble" to her... Wonder if your C might notice the same in your W... Other scary similarity between your W and mine is the lengths to which my W went to undermine our New Beginnings Workshop program (a less religious version of Retrouvaille) and total unwillingness to "work" on her own issues... Doesn't answer your what letting go means question, but you're not alone in terms of the symptoms you are seeing...

-AlexEN

Anger is blinding, I have to say. I learned a valuable lesson in this with Coach. He really was an angry guy - it came out in socially acceptable ways - but I knew what it was and it really took a toll on us. When he started to get a good handle on it and working through it, guess who else found out what anger really is? Yep - the Greek. Coach would tell me "YOU have an anger problem, too." I remember resisting that to the nth degree b/c I couldn't see it to save my life....until he got his under control. That really highlighted for me where my anger resided. And that's scary, for the record.

On some level, I must have known this about myself but was able to avoid it so very long by making Coach's anger the focus. Glad I cut that junk out
Greek

Greek,

Well said.... Nothing more true than this. Our anger feeds on each others'. Someone has to break the pattern.

-A

[MrBond]

Letting go is not about the "physical" act of a person leaving. It is the mental and emotional chains that you are holding onto her with.

In your mind you have to let her go and just let the wind carry you where it may. It's scary, but if you don't do that, she'll never realize what she had in you.

You have to get her to miss it.

[orangedog]

Maybe it's not the marriage or Thinker that is the problem. Maybe she doesn't even know what the problem is.


(O'dog knows all too personally about lingering dissatisfaction from an unexplained cause.)

[Thinker]

Well that session was unbelievable.

Although, I guess, in a way, it was predictable.

I decided to go in calm and rational, and to listen, and to talk about anger, but not be angry.

We drove there together. On the way in, she drove was completely out of control angry - yelling at other cars, cutting people off and saying she hoped they hit her, etc.

When we got there, I let her start - I wasn't really in the mood to talk.

She started in with her tale of the past 4 days. Factually it was correct - names, dates, places, etc., but emotionally and mentally we were on different planets. She drew and described crazed and evil connotations to everything I had said and done. In her description, I had cracked. I had become an unrecognizable, violent, person. She "Knows people" and "It is her talent to be able to read people" and therefore she "can see it in my eye" that I had become violent. Not just angry - Dangerous! Since I work from home and am in my office all day, I have now become "crazed due to the lack of socialization" and "spend all day up there thinking and rethinking until I have driven myself completely insane". She said that during the past days (when I was trying to stay away from her because I wanted nothing to do with her), she had been crazed with fear for her safety. She cried that she was afraid that she was going to "become a statistic", and "show up in the news".

There was nothing I could say to refute such things. I was calm the whole time - mostly in a state of disbelief. She has built all of this up in her mind, from what was in reality a bad but minor event.
The Honest Truth about the Event:
Sunday night, I started feeling angry, so I left the house - went for a drive and a walk and yelled at the trees for a while to get it out of my system. Monday morning early I went for a workout.

Later on Monday morning I threw a complete temper tantrum over nothing - completely irrational, my fault and unreasonable - I agree. Warning! Warning! During that temper tantrum I wanted her to move into another room away from our boys so I could fight with her without it being in front of them. She refused 3 times and finally in frustration I grabbed her arm and pulled her about 3 feet into the next room so I could close the door behind her. She didn't yell, fall, say "Ow" or anything, but it was COMPLETELY unreasonable and irrational of me to get physical with her at all. I have apologized to her multiple times saying how wrong it was. I felt bad for both my temper tantrum and for this.

This whole event lasted maybe 10 minutes. In the 4 days Since then I have been calm - still angry, but just left everything alone, did my work and went about my business.


With the C today, however, She is now calling this "Yanking her through a doorway, and demonstrating to our sons that violence against a woman is OK".

Wrong it was, but believe me, it wasn't violence. I wasn't feeling violent or even thinking violent thoughts. I was in pain and was lashing out verbally, and got really frustrated when she wouldn't step through the door so I moved her against her will. However, I do really understand that seeing me angry could really make her scared. I do.


During this whole time, the C just sat there and listened to her. This is a man who knows me very well, but he immediately did his job and jumped to her aid, talking to her about how she felt threatened etc. Anything I said was interpreted by both of them as being defensive, so I just shut up. The two of them began asking me to leave the house for some days to "give everyone space" and to "prevent this from escalating into something really bad"

So now I am thinking that I need to go get a L first thing tomorrow morning to defend my self from a potential restraining order.

I am also considering just packing up and leaving. I really don't need this. The only reason I haven't walked out in the past few days is because I would be abandoning my kids.

I don't even like her any more.

Help!

[Lotus]

Poor Thinker! I think she has a master plan to get rid of you. Perhaps she hatched it with an attorney. She is very methodical. Now she has a witness to the "violence". I think you need to speak to an attorney right away. She is way out in front of you in this race.

[givingitmyall]

Thinker, I'm sorry. I really am.

Ok. I think seeing the L is a good thing. But, as long as you can handle it (and I think you can), I would not move out of the house. Easy? Yes. The right thing to do? Only you can answer that.

You don't have to like her right now. You just have to be able to deal with your current situation. Unpleasant, but not impossible.

Go talk to a L in the morning. But don't make any major decisions just yet.

[Lotus]

And quit apologizing for everything. Read through your Retrouvaille notebook. If there is anything in there she can use against you, get rid of it.