Its my first day off in 8 days.....I am so happy!!!! I did run around in the morning to run a zillion errands...but, then had a chance to take a nap this afternoon which was so awesome! Its amazing to feel this productive and its humbling cuz.....damn, I am exhausted!!!!!!!! even after the day off!
Other than that, H did call today, but I only spoke with him for 10 min or so...and then said hope he had a nice day and hung up. I just didn't feel like having him ruin my day! I also decided that I will not be moving again (at least for another 4 years). I had initially thought that if my H decideds he wants me back that I would find a way to transfer........well, NO!
If he wants me back bad enough, he can move here - for me, for a change. I will not sabotage my career any more or choose anyone else (including H) over myself. Its important to fight for myself and for my own self sufficiency cuz at the end of the day, let's face it, I am the only one I can depend on...
If I lose H, oh well. Its so not in my control and I just am too tired to really deal with H anymore. I can only just wait and see what he does. In the meantime I think I need to just keep the focus on my career and do the best I can at work.
I am excited to be getting my first paycheck this coming friday. Boy I need to get paid! Its been almost 4 years since I got my own paycheck, so I am super excited! Never again, will I have to rely on my H or anyone else for my own personal support. Its sad that I am 35 and finally done with school and working, but on the other hand, thank god I am there now, at least.
I had planned to get married and have kids and just raise them and care for my husband and home.....Now, it just seems like some weird sci fi film that I must have been conjuring up in my head!!! Reality of making my own paycheck and supporting myself feels so much better!
I have some reading to do tomorrow. I spent some time cooking today...which was nice. I turned down a dinner invite (its the first one I have turned down in a month or so), I was just so tired and just wanted to do nothing. It has been a good day!
And I agree, here's to another day of PMA! I am just hoping to keep it up this week!
Well, today as an ok day. But then came home and found out my entire family is going for my dad's surgery. Only me and my H will not be there. It was a bad feeling. No one called to tell me and nothing was discussed.......and I felt left out. I'm probably over-reacting.
To make things worse, I called my dad to ask about his physical that was scheduled for today. It was just a routine pre-op physical. Well, they found abnormalities in his EKG and also put him on an anti-hypertensive. He has an appointment with cardiologist tomorrow!!! TOMORROW??????? How bad is it? No one told him WHAT the abnormality was and so we are just blind.
Other than that, I told my dad that neither me or my H would be able to make it for the surgery and he said it was fine. Maybe we can make it up to see them in September. I called H and said he could say no, but I wanted to ask if he would go home for a weekend. He said "YES, Of course. As long as they don't know about our issues, its fine." I didn't care what he said really. If these are his last days, I don't want him to worry about me....I want him to be happy and concentrate on himself and recovering...
Anyways, I was so happy today cuz I came home early, but ended up taking a nap, getting up at 7:30pm, showering, and then dealing with dad's condition. I am more worried about the EKG than I am about the prostate cancer. He had a normal EKG in February.....new changes are NOT a good sign....why did they wait so long to put him on a anti-hypertensive....sigh...I just pray he is ok.
I am just hoping tomorrow's cardiology appt. goes ok. I don't know how much more I can take.
I have been just working and busy with work. My H and I are sort of at a stand still at this moment. I have days now where I just feel like I have been on my own........for years. I feel a real loss of connection. And weirdly enough, I have been able to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. And I am happy with myself and I will trust myself to lead a good life.
You know when things get confusing? When H calls.
This saturday was not a good day........and I cried some and just was exhausted from the almost 60-65 hr weeks I am putting into work. I got my fist paycheck and was so excited.....came home and realized I had no one to share the JOY with.....somehow, this was more upsetting than any other thought I have had.... in the past 10 days or so!
Then Sunday, H called again and talked about how we can go out and have some "fun" after the Divorce hearing ends........WHAT???
he is acting as if it is no big deal. I am not even sure I want to go to this hearing anymore. I am not needed really and what a waste of vacation days. I don't think I can go out and have drink with him after officially destroying my marriage..
I cant tell yet if I am trying to control him by me not going or if I just don't want to go anymore. What purpose can this have anyways????????
I get to go out for a few dinners with EX-Husband.......on the other hand do I really want to be 2000 miles away and sitting and knowing that my marriage is being legally disolved?
There is no right or wrong here......I just am going to have to make a decision. I made the decision to sign the papers.......now, I just have to get the guts to go and see this thru.
I am so tired of the whole situation. I don't look forward to his calls....in fact, the opposite.
So Im doing ok....just taking it one day at a time. It does get easier to get theru my days. That is nie.
Other than that.......everything has worked out with my dad and he is doing much better with his heart and he is now scheduled for the cancer surgery.
Hope your aare doing well and I will check your therad out soon.
I cant tell yet if I am trying to control him by me not going or if I just don't want to go anymore. What purpose can this have anyways????????
You owe him nothing at this point and no, when someone divorces you, it is not controlling to go on with your life and leave them behind.
You should only go out with him if and when it is a positive experience for you.
I can really relate because trust me, with kids involved, there is so much pressure to "get along" and be friends. But, unless and until I can feel good about that interaction, I'm not doing it. And if it is yes one time and no the next, so be it.
So, do what works for you. And you don't have to make a decision that lasts for eternity.
I am not doing too well the past couple of days....I will be D in another month. Ironically, my divorce date is set for 9/11. H wants to go out to dinner and have a nice evening out and enjoy ourselves after the D.
Ok, lets forget that for a moment.....I just don't even know where to begin with that.
I just have been having a very hard time with this entire concept. Why get a D at all without any trial? And ok.....lets just let that argument rest for now......bc at the time I asked for a separation and trial........he said he had to get the D for himself and then he would like to start again.
HOW do I psychologically stop myself from feeling betrayed and stop resenting him AND............ at the same time begin moving forward with him???????????????? and mentally with myself?
This week, I am having trouble sleeping again. I am working 9 - 10 hr days and still not sleeping well. I have not had trouble with sleep since that first 3 weeks after he first gave me the papers.
I just don't know how to proceed.
I find myself dreading his phone calls and feeling more upset after he calls.......though we have hour long conversations that are pleasant ( although some fakeness from me this week - one conversation).
I am having trouble trusting him. In my head I keep thinking "Why should I care what you say? You are untrustworthy and impulsive and are leaving me and setting me up to be left again."
I feel at a stand still with myself. I don't know what and how I can do better with my resentment!
I feel relieved he is calling and yet......I don't want to talk to him - for the past 10 days or so.
AM I GOING CRAZY????????
Point being - he said, this is the only way I can try again...to first go ahead with the divorce. I agreed and told him that I'm not sure how I will feel after the divorce. He said he understands and is afraid of me walking away from him.
I don't know what is going on with me.....I find myself not focusing at work this week and just having a difficult time knowing what to feel and how to proceed......internally......for myself.
I asked for 2 days off for the D hearing. I decided I was present at my M, I should be present for my D!
I am asking for some advice bc I do want to share my life with this man. I know this is a fact. But, this week, I think I am feeling and I am actively putting up a wall...I feel this insane need to I DONT KNOW.......something....How do I get over this resentment that is starting to set in?
Sorry you are having a rough time. It's understandable.
I have not read you entire sitch, but are you seeing an IC? That has helped me a great deal.
I admit the position your H is taking is perplexing, and I have a hard time understanding it. But, it is what it is. The question is, what do you want?
I think your resentment is normal. You resent b/c you still care. I know I would. But, you cannot let that control you. Especially in your work life. My C told me after my W dropped the bomb that I should get back to work b/c it was one of the areas of my life over which I had control. I now know what he meant. I also know how hard it is to concentrate at work. But, you have to deal with it. I usually just give myself a break from the whole mess while I'm at work, almost as if I become this other person who is not involved in the issues I have.
I think I am feeling a bit isolated these days and maybe that is contributing to my emotionality.
But thank you bc you reminded me that I do know what I want.
I want a marriage with this man that is strong, honest, and loving. I think we have "honest" right now....but, loving and strong and limping behind somewhere.
