At this point, I feel so defeated and also some sort of a yo-yo. This past 2 weeks, I feel as if, mentally and emotionally, I have really taken a few steps back.
Its difficult to keep smiling and going....when I feel upset and isolated and just depressed. I have my own life, which consists of work...and I am so busy and consumed with it that I have no time for other things. There is no enjoyment. No moments of happiness. I used to love to just sit and read a good romance...well, that is NOT happening.
I need to find some time....and I need to plan some small moments of happiness for myself. I have not been very proactive in this area. And its been more difficult this last 2 weeks....I think about him every night...I had started NOT doing that...I used to just fall asleep thinking about work and I'd wake up...think about him, but then be rushing to get ready to start my day. And I would sort of lose myself in my work and the days were passing by.....I'm not even sure how I made it thru these last few months.....I guess one day at a time.
I need to go back to that....taking things one day at a time and just concentrate on doing something nice for myself each day. Is that too much????
I was thinking last weekend, I played around with my plants and it was the first time I have felt relaxed in a long time. I think I will try that again. Maybe just go buy a new small plant.....hm...some food for thought.
I am getting more angry with exH and just wish he would grow up and accept his life. I'm having a real time being patient and waiting.....I deserve so much better than this...and at the same time....I sort of got myself into this mess...didn't catch things in time and let myself sorta get into this comfort zone...I mean who lets their marriage fall apart in 4 years. I just took it for granted that it was forever. If we had to work on things, we had time....we would. SIGH.
Anyways, I'm just down and haven't been able to pick myself up and just needed to vent....I think I will focus on doing one thing for myself every day. I will just have to figure out what every morning! That's a start at least.
I wanted to let you know that I have been reading the posts by rollercoasterrider. She can be found in the MLC archives. She is someone who seems to know what she's talking about. Her insight and advice is so amazing.
I have been sort of just NOT trying to think about the D and my exH. I was depressed a couple of weeks ago and I just sort of didn't talk to anyone or write on this blog..... I felt like I just needed some time to focus.....nothing was helping....I was standing still.
Well, what I am learning is that each day is its own. And no matter how I decide to deal with my day, my problems with exH do not ever go away. What I am also learning is that with each day, the distance does get longer, but I am a little less emotional....a little less afraid...a little bit stronger.
I have today off...and I woke up thinking....what the heck have I been afraid of? Being alone....not being able to cope...what? I have no idea....I am afraid of all those things...except I have been thru all those things and am still standing. So afraid or not afraid...each day comes...and I can only try to live a better a life each day.
Yes I do hear from exH. He is going thru his own hell, I suppose. Who knows.....I've stopped wondering....cuz I can't change anything.
Besides that, my dad has had a set back and will be going back into surgery next wednesday....so hopefully they will get it all out and he will come out of this fighting. He has an amazing attitude and I am really feel grateful to be in his life.
So, life is ok....Thanks for thinking of me...You are in my thoughts and prayer always. I hope you are doing well.
You sound good! I know what you mean... a break from here is good once in a while. I do it myself sometimes. Sometimes I come here to read. Other times I check in with my friends. Today was one of those days!
I'm glad you're doing well, other than the worries about your father. I hope he recovers soon. Sounds like you have your priorities straight!
As far as standing strong, your post reminded me of Elton John's I'm Still Standing:
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
Journalling..... Well, I had this last weekend off....plus 2 days...amazing!!! I feel very rested and refueled this week.
It was nice to spend several days...at home...my home...doing nothing much. I enjoyed the time and I didn't cry once...didn't ever even come close to it. I am hoping that I have accepted my situation and am just living my life.
Some days, exH calls, some days...doesn't. He doesn't owe me anything and he is really embracing that concept. When he wants to talk....he calls......if I start talking and it takes up more than 3 min...he wants to hang up. I am fine with that...I am learning to just take it as it is for that day. Who the hell knows what he is thinking or wanting. Its hard to know someone else's mind and anyways, not really trying anymore. If he ever gets to the point where he wants me....well, he knows where I am. I'm not holding my breath.
I have a huge Internal Review coming up next month and so I've actually been super busy with that. I've been getting to work at 8am and leaving around 5:30pm! Amazingly normal hours! The last 2 weeks, I've been cooking, eating healthier, drinking more water, eating 3 meals...basically....taking care of myself! Its great to have time. Who knows how long this will last!! But enjoying it!! HA!
Also started reading a novel...just a few chapters in...but, it is pretty good so far.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep a positive attitude and keep living my life the best I can.
Spoke to family today....mistake...mistake...mistake. I forgot how difficult it is for most of my friends and family to really see things from my point of view. SIGH. I hate taking steps backwards for no reason...except my need for approval from others. I really thought I had moved past this phase....Haven't needed anyone's approval in a very long time....
I have had time and so thought tto reconnect with my family....I need to just keep the focus on myself....
I think I feel lonely and at those insane 5-20 min...the urge to call someone is just so great......that I do and then, most of time, I regret it....cuz these conversations are not helpful to me....and definately does nothing for my PMA.
I need to write on this blog more often....I think I had actually forgotten I am a divorced woman! It doesn't matter what others think....it matters what I think and how I conduct my life.
I think its important that I think of myself as a successful, caring adventurous woman. I will not let anyone take my spirit and positivity from me! I just won't do that to myself.
Its a good question Mnt_dreams...I have been mulling it over..The urge seems to be the greatest right as I'm leaving work and heading home. If I can hold off for 10 min or so...the urge goes away! Its ridiculous to me that most of the time, I am unable to hold off calling someone. This week, my goal will be to have a song I really love waiting for me as I leave work. I will put it on my iphone and bring headphones.
Otherwise, I am open to any suggestions.
Also, I think this week was particularly difficult bc I've had no initiation from exH and I've just been trying to not think about it. Before this week, he had started calling almost daily for 10 days or so...and then I think he must have gotten spooked.
Sigh. Can't count on him anyways....Why had I started expecting the call? Irritating set back. Won't do that again. Last saturday I was going to go to a party and then decided not to go cuz it was at a guy's house who is interested (I think), and I just didn't want to lead him on or get in a situation I'm emotionally not ready for. ExH happenned to call around that time and he got very worked up about me going to guy's house.....even though I said I wasn't going. To be honest, I shouldn't have said anything....and to be totally transparent, I was trying to make him jealous.
Games....not good, I know....I don't know why I did that....I just wanted a reaction....well, I got one! Oh well..live and learn, right?
I've made several emotional decisions in this past week...need to focus better...
I think I can....I think I can....I think I can! HA!
