Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

Yep, trying to understand MLCers is quite the exercise in futility. I think they realize sooner or later that moving out and distancing themselves doesn't actually solve all of their problems, and disentangling themselves from the spouse is a rather long and complicated process, and maybe not as easy as they thought! Poor misguided creatures.

Just a little journaling...recently I was talking to my mother, who knows about all of this stuff and has been very supportive, and out of the blue she mentioned that she had been looking at H's and my personal website, which H set up 10 or 12 years ago but hasn't been updated in at least 3 years. The main feature of this website is a travelogue H wrote about a trip he and I took to the beaches of Florida, back in the fall of 1997. My mother was talking about some of the things H wrote in the travelogue and contrasting them with his current attitude and actions. These are the passages H wrote that she specifically mentioned:

"You must understand one thing. People who have children often get enjoyment from taking them to the beach or the park or the playground and watching them play. Dawn and I don't have children, but I have Dawn. As an artist, she is very experiential, much like a child. Like most of us adults, she reigns in her unbounded curiosity when we are with other people, particularly those she does not know. But here, on a quiet beach with few people around, Dawn the artist takes over and she greets each new sight and experience with wonder. For my part, I spend this time watching her and enjoying seeing the world through her eyes."

And from the epilogue of the travelogue, in a section written in May of 1999:
"Dawn and I celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary this month. We are still madly in love and pray that we always will be!"

As my mother was pointing out, H sure sounded like a man in love with me and happy to be M to me, and she was telling me that she couldn't understand how he could now be claiming that things had been so bad between us almost from the very beginning of our M. I talked to her a little about the whole MLC "revision of R history" thing, but I felt a little hypocritical, because I don't entirely understand it either.

I understand that when a MLCer's feelings for their spouse change, they have to change the way they remember their R with their spouse in order to justify to themselves their walking away, but I don't really understand how the MLCer can become such a totally different person in so many ways to what they were before. I mean, yeah, people change over time, sure, but what is it that makes an honest, straightforward person, with a deep faith and strong sense of commitment and of right and wrong, turn into a liar and cheater who walks away from the most heartfelt commitments he chose to make? I don't spend that much time thinking about this stuff any more, because it is crazymaker material, but it does still bother me some. As I said at the beginning of this post, trying to understand MLCers is futile, but I confess that I haven't entirely put this to rest in my mind.

I reread H's entire travelogue tonight, while looking for the quotations I wanted to put into this post. It just made me a little sad, instead of devastating me and leaving me in a flood of tears, as would have been the case shortly post-bomb. I think I have managed to put a thick wall around my emotions for the most part, because mostly I feel sort of neutral these days, but there are things that can pull that wall down in a flash. Apparently this travelogue wasn't one of those things, for which I am grateful, because I would rather feel neutral than go through any more of that excruciating pain. I constantly feel like the pain is just waiting for a chink to appear in the wall, and then it will swarm over me and I will be swept away on the horror and agony again.

I think about reconciliation every day. I hang on to the Biblical promises I see, especially as discussed by Charlyne Steinkamp et al. I truly believe that God has the desire and the ability to restore all M's, that God wants all covenant spouses to stay together and love each other unconditionally and help each other get to heaven (as one premarital counselor put it to H and me when we were engaged). I believe that God hates D and it isn't part of God's "first choice" plan for anyone, although God can make lemonade out of the most bitter lemons. I believe that God has a good plan for me and for H, for our future and God's glory. I don't believe that human free will can get in the way of God's plan for our greater good (and in fact I would like to never hear the phrase "free will" ever again).

The only thing that causes me to stumble in trying to say, "Well, it's only a matter of time before God restores our M, so I will just start praising God now for the restoration even though it's still in my future," is that I am unsure whether God will choose to restore _our_ M. I think of the faults I have in my walk with God (like not having regular devotional time) and wonder if that is stopping progress on God restoring my M.

I guess I am afraid that God expects me to jump through certain hoops in order to get the reward of a restored M, and I'm not doing so well with the hoops. I do my best, but sometimes I fall way short. I have a long history of feeling that if I am anything less than perfect in a particular area, I don't deserve any kind of a reward no matter how hard I try. Second place is no better than dead last. Gee, I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I give up too easily and have trouble getting things done??!

I am also afraid that God is going to choose not to restore our M, for some reason that I am not going to understand before I pass through the Pearly Gates. It doesn't make sense to me, given what I read in the Bible, but so many people do NOT get a restored M out of the sitch that I would have to be an idiot not to acknowledge the concept. What is the difference between people whose M's are restored, and those who end up permanently estranged? I can think of a long list of things that _aren't_ different between the two groups...but I don't know what _does_ make the difference. Is it that those who are restored always have one person who refused to give up on the hope of reconciliation, no matter how hopeless it seemed? I don't know.

I suppose that some of those reading, probably those not interested in religion and those who have reconciled themselves to the idea that D may be necessary in some cases even for a person of faith, will dislike this line of discussion. And it can be a huge can of worms, and it opens up an entire ballpark of philosophical/religious possibilities.

I don't expect to get everything figured out, and I really don't want to start any arguments, but I am speaking out of my own exhaustion with plugging away and trying to do the right thing even though the returns are distinctly negative (although I fully acknowledge that it could be a whole lot worse). I know I wouldn't feel better if I were nasty to H, but I'm just so tired. Partly I'm physically tired right now, because I haven't been getting enough sleep for quite some time now (stupid screwed-up headcase sleep patterns!), but I'm also mentally and emotionally exhausted.

<sigh> I hate to end on a down note, but I think the bag is about empty for now. I hope someone has some insight and/or something to cheer me up. Thank you for listening.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

I don't know whether to scream, cry, throw up, or kill myself.

I haven't snooped on H or OW for months now. But tonight, somehow, I found myself looking things up, and I'm not exactly sure why or how I started, or what route I traveled, but I got a little carried away. It was like a car crash--I knew I shouldn't look, and I knew it would make me feel terrible, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I honestly don't know what happened--one minute I was doing my usual calm checking of my regular routine of websites, and the next I was Googling H's name and thinking how ironic it was that one of the sites that came up was a (gay) porn site. My memory of how I got from one point to the next is fuzzy; it's like I was momentarily taken over or something. Why on earth did I do this insane thing after all this time, knowing what a bad idea it would be?? Was I possessed for a few minutes there?

Among a lot of other things that are relatively minor, I found out H started a blog about his unemployment experiences (he was out of work from mid-February to mid-April of this year), and from reading that, I learned more about his life on a daily basis than at any time since the bomb, even including the year+ when he was still living here with me. He kept it up from the day after his layoff until shortly after he got another job, posting almost daily in the beginning. He didn't mention me even once, or that he is (or had ever been) married, but OW (whom he referred to as "my girlfriend") got mentioned in passing several times, including once when he said he hadn't posted for several days because he was spending time with her, since she had "been here all week." (She is going to school about 4 hours away; I suppose this was spring break.) I found out that he lied to me some more...he mentioned something about seeing his answering machine flashing, when he had told me he was only going to have his cell phone and wouldn't be getting a home phone, although I suppose it is legitimate that he might have changed his mind later.

I just felt sick, looking through everything. One thing that really made me angry was after he had found the new job, he was talking about all the paperwork that had to be filled out, and he said this:

"And I have to come up with a beneficiary for all my benefits. But everyone else in my family is better off than I am. Maybe I'll donate it to some sort of fund for unemployed people."

!!!!!!

This is the same man who was asking me, about that same time, and obviously knowing how broke I am, whether I had enough money to keep eating! And who single-handedly ensured that I couldn't get health insurance without spending a huge chunk of my income, and even then I wouldn't be covered for pre-existing conditions (like my suicidal depression...which is ironic considering that starting with the bomb, he keeps doing stuff that is almost calculated to push me over the edge, and then asking me if I'm going to kill myself)!

Right now I just want to shoot him. Or maybe myself. Maybe both. I won't, of course, but I am FURIOUS with him! Hey, didn't I just post a few hours ago that I felt that I had a thick wall separating me from my emotions, but the pain (and in this case, anger) was just waiting for a chink in the wall to overwhelm me? Well, this was the chink. This is why I think I am so much better off if I don't talk to him or see him. It totally upsets my precarious emotional equilibrium.

I haven't cried at all since I saw all this stuff, but I feel like I am about to explode.

I REALLY need some insight and cheering up now. Help!

[peacetoday]

Dawn
Im sorry for your pain
sometimes we dont snoop for a very long time..then its like enough we need to know more
looking back. I kept my head in the sand way too long..and thank God I finally got the truth..sometimes we need to know to help us later
so, maybe you just need to process it all now
and sometimes we need to let it all go and snoop no more
I got on this kick post D..I wanted to find out who OW was so I hired a PI
he basically cam up with nada , but I got her name age and figured out she was his former secretary
it really hekped no one in the end
so continue taking care of yourself
forgive yourslef for needing to know
you are a smart and strong woman
your H still needs more time and you will figure out your next move..
peace

[Sara]

this stuff is so difficult to see. But it does reinforce the idea that you are better off without him. I'm sorry he's such an insensitive ass.

[Between Tears]

Dawn,

I haven't read any of your history, however, I just read your last posting. As I read it, I had many flashbacks of my own. It's as if we have followed the same foot path along the way... for a long while I had my head firmly planted in the sand, and then for some odd reason, I too, snooped.

Yes, I felt like a fool, yes, I was angrier than hell, I had gone through many of the same emotions you are going through now.... and I have a feeling this is a necessary process for us to go through in order to fully let go and live for ourselves once and for all.

Own your anger, then use it to help propel yourself to the level you need in order to safely let go of the past once and for all... It was after this I finally realized I deserved so much more than that smuck could ever offer, and there's no way I'd ever let myself down like that again.

It was worth the snooping and all the pain I caused myself because I finally let go of my denial. It was very freeing, once I was able to reframe the pain I had found, and turned the anger into the energy I needed to move forward.

I hope this helps....

Cheer up, you didn't cause the mess, you did nothing to deserve it either, what you read was all in the past, a painful past, but one that doesn't need to be living in today. So don't give it space in your life today. His life is the real mess, not yours, your soul is fine, along with your morals, ambitions, your life.

You have so much more in your life now, then you did then, you just haven't been looking. There is a light beckoning you.... You'll find great strength, understanding and hope. This abundance will be found within you... You are the custodian of this light, and only you can and will make it shine.

Make peace with the past, by living in today.

[Dr.mom]

Dawn,
Don't snoop. Resist the urge, so very very hard to do. If you are intent on being open to reconciliation, praying for restoration, the MORE you know, the harder it will be to take them back.

And they DO come back, maybe not now, maybe not exactly when you want them to. But they do come back.

I think I would have been a little more willing to accept my (then) WAS's offer to get back together if I had not snooped into the life he was living while he was out of the home.

I found out how horribly deep all the craziness went, and all the layers upon layers upon layers of lies there were. I had no idea who this man really was, and if there was ANYONE on God's green earth that he was actually honest with.

When he came back, he did not reveal anything but the most superficial of "crimes" to me. He was still lying and in denial.

I wanted no part of that.

If I did not snoop, I might have been able to stay in the bliss of denial and go back to trying like hell to be the "perfect wife". It would have made things easier. Maybe the truth would have come out in counseling, or us getting closer, or something. But probably doubtful.

But when you "know too much", it is really hard to keep forward focused and think about reconciling.

And for the procrastination, don't beat yourself up.

I think I laid on the floor for about 11 months during my separation. Showering and grocery shopping on a regular basis was a huge step forward for me at that time.

Be good to yourself.

Seriously, sometimes separation/divorce/whatever is the needed catalyst to get things going in your life. Be it a "bad" thing, divorce really got me going with my life (again). The "old me" came back. As soon as I got my head wrapped around the fact that maybe I could be, no I WOULD be, better off alone I hit the ground running. I had a game plan, steps to take after the papers were finalized, a step-by-step timeline of goals to achieve. Within 12 months post-D I took my business idea that was always on the "back burner" during my marriage to a more "successful" partner. I was like a woman on fire.

It all comes around.

Dianne

[Dawn of Hope]

Thanks so very much to all of you for your support. I am taking in what you are saying and appreciating it. I am going to pass on responding to specifics right now because I am just so tired, I don't have the energy. Please keep posting to me.

So often I wish I could just KNOW that this would all come out well in the end, even if I didn't see how--I'm still faking it there--then I would be able to have better equilibrium about all of the ups and downs in between. I could deal okay with years of standing if I knew that no matter how long it took, it would be all right eventually (all right by my definition, that is, not anyone else's). It's the uncertainty that gets to me.

The trouble I have is that I didn't have a lot of "happy" even years before the bomb--not for 30 years, in fact--so it's not like I just need to regain my balance from the shock. Being happy, for me, is definitely NOT just a matter of finding the mojo that I lost when he went MLC on me...it is something that would be a totally new experience for me--a matter of finding it for the first time since I was a pre-adolescent. And I've tried a lot of things that haven't gotten me to that point.

I'm really worn out today. I hope things will be better soon, and I appreciate any and all help and support, so please keep it coming!

Peace,
Dawn

[Andabelle]

I'm so sorry, Dawn. I think maybe you are better off knowing the truth, though. Keep posting.

[Dawn of Hope]

Thank you, Andabelle, and all who have posted, for your concern and advice.

I'm back to my normal no-snooping mode; it was just that one episode. Right now I don't even really want to know what's going on with him, because I'm so sure it won't be anything that makes me feel good. Not very conducive to PMA, but it seems to help me, so I'm going with it.

Right now I am feeling very tired and very stuck. I have the impression that there are so very many things that I _should_ do to make things better for myself, or should at least look into doing (like maybe getting a regular sort of job), and I just want to hide under the covers and not do any of it. I think it is because I have NO hope of feeling better anytime soon, so what's the point? I am pretty sure this is my depression talking, but even so, I can't see a better reality, even if the grayness of the way I feel now is an illusion. For now, it's MY reality.

It doesn't help that I found out today that one of my clients is very unhappy about something that is perhaps my fault (depends on your perspective). I am a calligrapher, and last week I delivered a batch of wedding invitations that I had addressed. The client received them Friday, and I was told today (Wednesday) that the ink I used was rubbing off of the envelopes onto the envelope on top of each. I have used this same ink for this kind of thing before, and never knew of any problems. Client apparently tried a couple of different things but was not able to solve the issue, and she ended up mailing out the invitations as they were because of the time factor. There are a couple of possible solutions I could have tried if I had known about this in time, but I was not informed about the problem until the invitations were already mailed.

Apparently the client is quite upset, and I would be willing to do just about anything it took to make her happy, but I don't know what I can do now that the invitations are already mailed out, so re-dos are not an option. This type of issue has happened to me a few times before, but I would never risk using a product that had caused this sort of problem in the past, so if I had had any idea that this would be likely to happen with this particular ink, I wouldn't have used it. Now I'm very frustrated, because I don't know how to fix this so that the client ends up happy. When you are a solo self-employed person, unhappy clients are a Really Bad Thing. Of course I will give her a discount (she only paid about a third of the bill as a deposit, so there's a hefty chunk that hasn't been paid yet), but what else can I do?? I know that turning an unhappy client into a thrilled one is a major factor in success in business, but I still haven't figured out exactly how to do that, even after over 15 years in business.

I could really use a shot of good karma right now!

Peace,
Dawn

[Andabelle]

Oh gosh! Is there any way you can give her back the deposit?