To any newcomer who has arrived here...sad..hurting...frightened...and newly facing the possible loss of your marriage or relationship:
You will be OK.
Those words were said to me by one of my supporters here in the midst of my own crisis. He was right.
You will be OK.
I arrived here in July '06, recently bombed and hurting. My time here is winding down as I find my place and new direction in life.
You will be OK.
A good friend of mine whom I've known since elementary school recently finished going through a divorce with a woman who was the love of his life. They were married for over 15 years and have 3 children. His wife developed a type of post-partum depression after their 3rd child and he took over most of the family chores. He supported a new friendship that she developed over the internet when an old HS friend emailed her. He even encouraged it as she became happy and 'normal' again. One day, on a weekend, he came home from work and asked the kids what they did for the day. "Nothing...mom was on the computer all day." The rest, of course, is history as we all know here. "She simply wanted to replace me...like Darren on Bewitched. She wanted the same house, same lifestyle, just a new Darren in my place." They went thru a bitter divorce. Child Protective Services was involved. They are three years out and only now are 'things getting better' between them..not in a reconcile direction but in a coparenting direction.
So...why the story? My friend told me some very basic thoughts which...seem so easy to say. But...they do mean so much.
"FIB....there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. There is no detour...no right turn or left turn to avoid this. You must go through it and survive. It DOES get better."
"Every time you do or say something against your W to your kids, it is like stabbing them in the heart. Don't do it. Your kids will always love you and one day, they will see the truth."
So...to all newcomers....it is well worth reading, learning, DB'ing and trying your best to save your marriage. At some point though, you must realize that it takes TWO supportive partners to save a marriage. That this is a time of painful growth. Learn from it. Grow from it. Become a better person...a better parent....It's a lesson..not a failure and you WILL be OK. Minimize the collateral damage to your children. They love YOU as well as the other parent. They are not tools to hurt the WAS or LBS. Do your best as you go through this...to keep them safe emotionally.
Stay strong. You'll be OK.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
His wife developed a type of post-partum depression after their 3rd child and he took over most of the family chores. He supported a new friendship that she developed over the internet when an old HS friend emailed her. He even encouraged it as she became happy and 'normal' again. One day, on a weekend, he came home from work and asked the kids what they did for the day. "Nothing...mom was on the computer all day." The rest, of course, is history as we all know here.
Ugh. You're right -- that story is all-too-frequent. It's a common mistake to think that we can just "be supportive" and our wayward spouse will suddenly "see the light" and come running back.
All I can add to that, and the one thing this website and book gave me is:
Change those things about yourself that NEED CHANGING. And hope for the best. It takes two people to want it, if all hope is lost, you've changed for the better.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
"You worked with the tools that you had at the time. You have new tools now. Don't look at this as failure, but, a lesson in life. If you continue to look back on this as failure, you will continue to fail in the future."
Clarity....is the greatest gift you can get here. Seize it...and run with it.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
My best friend gave me the best advice He said each day's a gift and not a given right Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind And try to take the path less traveled by That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life What's worth the prize is always worth the fight Every second counts 'cause there's no second try So live like you'll never live it twice Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above That you finally fall in love If today was your last day
If today was your last day Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars Regardless of who you are So do whatever it takes 'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life Let nothin' stand in your way Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above That you finally fall in love If today was your last day
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
