Well, not sure I should be here....I will be D in another month. Ironically, my divorce date is set for 9/11. My H wants to get the D and then start over.
I just have been having a very hard time with this concept. Why get a D at all without any trial? And ok.....lets just let the argument rest, but how do I psychologically stop myself from feeling bad, not resenting him and moving forward.
This week, I am having trouble sleeping. I am working 9 - 10 hr days and still not sleeping well. I have not had trouble with sleep since that first 3 weeks after he first gave me the papers.
let me just add........that I meant, moving ahead........with H. I find myself dreading his phone calls and feeling more upset after he calls. I am having trouble trusting him. In my head I keep thinking "Why should I care what you say? You are untrustworthy."
I feel at a stand still with myself. I don't know what and how I can do better with my resentment!
To give some background. I asked for separation and to try to salvage our marraige. H said he feels that he has to follow thru with the D for himself, but he is open to trying again after a few months and just starting over. He is not having an affair....he is having a mid-life crisis.....I think. But, whatever it is, he wants to be "in charge" of his life.
Point being - he said, this is the only way I can try again...to first go ahead with the divorce. I agreed and told him that I'm not sure how I will feel after the divorce and that much time off.
I am asking for some advice bc I do want to share my life with this man. But, this week, I think I am feeling and I am actively putting up a wall...I feel this insane need to protect myself....How do I get over this resentment that is starting to set in?
Orchid- I have no idea how to get over the resentment and I need to run out the door, but my H is saying the same thing!! "We need a divorce so we can move forward, possibly together." My fear is if he pulls that trigger, I won't be able to forgive him. You're not alone!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
So it looks like there must be a second WAS Script out there! LOL Okay- see if any of these sound familiar-- *It's just a piece of paper; true love doesn't die *Nothing (meaning divorce) is forever *We can always remarry later *I need a clean slate *Don't you want to know that I am here because I *want* to be and not because I *have* to be? *Who knows? Even if we each find other people in the meantime, in a couple years we could see each other in a coffee shop, start dating again and remarry.
I am starting to think that this is the script for the spouse that knows there is no real reason to divorce and they feel bad for being shmucks. That, and they don't want a big fight on their hands.
It would be tempting to respond to "It's this or it's over" with "It's this AND it's over."
My H knows that I love him deeply and feels very confident that he will always be able to weasel his way back into my heart. Divorcing doesn't really make him worry that he'll lose me because I think he believes that if he changes his mind, I will still be here.
You can best believe, I have already started a list of unacceptable behavior on his part that I overlooked in an effort to "save" the marriage. If we divorce, I'm not going to let any moss grow under my feet. And if he tries to come back so we can "date" I don't know that I will. For sure, I'm not going to 'date' him while we head for divorce.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Bingo. This is hitting the NAIL ON THE HEAD Trixi:
Quote:
My H knows that I love him deeply and feels very confident that he will always be able to weasel his way back into my heart. Divorcing doesn't really make him worry that he'll lose me because I think he believes that if he changes his mind, I will still be here.
One time I thought I was so brave to tell my H "I'm not losing you, you're losing me!"
His reply? "I'm not losing you! I'll always know you're out there!"
It took me a long time to figure this one out and several older posters, especially Gucci, wholeheartedly believe that until the man realizes he's REALLY lost you, they won't even start considering the consequences of their actions.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I totally have to agree with you Silver Fox. Tonight I was sitting and really thinking that in a way it does not feel real to him bc whenever HE wants HE can speak to me. Granted I don't pick up that second, but we are talking within 4 hrs or so, I give him a call or a text back. One of my friends suggested that I cut off all communications until Divorce day and then just meet him at the court. Make it a 45 day program! Right now, he checks in with me once a week to make sure all is well and I give him this "fun" me and we talk for an hour and well, that is that. He has been calling a lot this last week, but I am really thinking that I just need to really show a break myself. I am emotionally giving him a crutch.
Trixi !!! OH MY G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has used every single one of those lines and at first I thought "well, ok, I guess he is confused"..........as time goes by, I am thinking "you're confused and you have no idea what you are doing".
On the one hand I do know and have accepted that we are getting a divorce. A part of me just wants to stop trying all together. I mean how much worse can it get. I will be divorced in a month and a half! He is kidding himself if he thinks we can just pick up and brush ourselves off and start over. Yesterday morning he called and said I should be careful not to have male co-workers coming over to my home......cuz things can get confusing and intimate very quickly.
I had half a mind to say............and so? You want a divorce, but I should be faithful to you? Not that I would or could even think of a R right now.........but, who is he to tell me anything when he is filing and following thru on Divorcing me!
Sigh. Anyways, it was really nice to read your responses. Thanks for the input.
I am going to go the next 45 days without initiating one phone call or email or any contact. I am going to try to not be so available. And I will not fear this Divorce anymore! I have spent the last few weeks in fear of being alone...but truth be known I have been on my own most of my life.
Other than that, I wish you all a good day tomorrow!
OK. I couldn't NOT respond to this. I haven't been on the boards for awhile, but my husband is saying THE SAME THINGS. He says he hasn't shut the door on us remarrying after the divorce. But, he says he's going through with the divorce, because he "said so" and "is a man of his word". Well, way to be a man of your word, even when it hurts your family!
Oh, and I forgot, another reason he's going through with the divorce is so I will start to take him seriously. Well, seriously is costing us about $20,000. Hope it's worth it.
Meanwhile he wants me to move to another town with him (seperately, of course). With no promise of reconciliation, no commitment, nothing. And, a big part of me is thinking this is OK, and that if I take a leap of faith, my family may be whole again someday. ..
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I just don't know what to tell you. I did tell my H that if he wanted to be with me, he will have to move near me. I am no longer willing to move for......anyone....let alone him. Do what is best for you. Can you find a job in this new place? Will you have emotional support nearby? What are you giving up and are you sure u are willing to give those things up?
I am new to this board and not really doing as well as a lot of people......but, this is what i thought and told him when he asked about moving. For me, I just no longer feel comfortable Doing anything active for him.
You guys have been separated for a couple of years.....so, you may have a better grip on this than I do. My H served me papers on 4/28/09 and our D hearing is set for 9/11/09.
I have been posting over in the Surviving Divorce thread, but I thought an update here would be good. Maybe it's something that you'll want to consider. I CAN tell you that we have been "dating" eachother on and off for the past 2 years and it hasn't worked, so time to try something new. darkness. But an agreed up darkness...THAT, actually, might be a HUGE problem because of the fact that H assumes I will always love him. The only upshot is that in the letter (that I reference below) I really listed out some crappy stuff he had done. Anyway- reposted from the other forum:
Originally posted July 27th, 2009: yesterday (our 12 year anniversary)I wrote a 4 page letter to my H that I read to him today in counseling. But first, I finished up a guitar strap I made for him (belated) for his birthday. So, today when he came over I gave him the present; (I tooled a dragon onto the leather strap- and it turned out pretty awesome if I do say so myself). He was a little weird (subdued?) about it. But when we got to the counselor he really gushed about it.
Anyway, I gave him props for being "brave" enough to sit thru all that I was about to say. There were several points where I really let him have it. The counselor made sure that he mirrored back what I was saying so that I could know that he heard me.
At the end he said that he didn't want to get a divorce right away. He was thinking that IF we did, to wait until the first of the year. And in the meantime, that maybe we shouldn't see each other. (since clearly "dating" isn't working for us.) He was glad that I expressed all the things I am angry about. I gave him the printout; and found out that he has kept all the letters I have ever written him. wow. I had no idea.
He feels "bad" that he has been taking a back seat in this relationship, but he doesn't want to change right now either, so.....
His hope is that some distance will help him figure out what he wants; I said I was afraid that if all we had was "time" apart, that we would be in stasis until we met up again; in other words, nothing would be different. He has agreed to seek his own counselor so that he can work thru his ambivalence and aloofness (to everyone.)
I will take this time to go to counseling; work on boundaries; get my mind and body back in shape.
I warned him that if he does come back, we won't be "dating to see how it goes"--he would have to have a plan; he would have to prove that we are moving forward. He agreed.
He thought we should meet at the counselors around December 1st. (Later changed it to November 1st, so now I don't know.)
he was trying to figure out a way for us still to go camping, but there's really no way to go camping and not be seeing each other-lol. He suggested that maybe we could at least go to dinner sometimes and I said no way. He doesn't get to have mini-fixes of me. He needs to know what it would be like to not have me in his life. Not to mention, we are drawn to each other. I said "look, we know we can't keep our hands off each other. I'm not going to say I think it's "bad" because I think we're lucky to still feel that way after 14 years together; but I do know we have a hard time controlling ourselves." He laughed and agreed.
We decided we can only correspond via email. No IMing, no texting, no phone calls.
The counselor wanted us to agree to keep our marriage vows during this time. he readily agreed. I'm fine with it..BUT, I don't like that my H gets to still feel like I am "waiting" for him to make up his mind. KWIM? Not that I wanted to go out dating, but I would have liked for him to have to worry, just a little bit. Until this point, he has never worried that I would leave him.
But I did make it clear that he has really been a jerk. He said that he knows it; he feels bad about it. But, he doesn't (right now) feel like doing anything any different.
The time off will give me a lot of free mental space.
Has anyone (besides Miranda and Steve in the SITC movie) done a controlled break and had it be successful?
Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention. He told the counselor that there was a big part of him that really hopes we work out. The only problem I see with that statement (and based on past actions) is that he acts like *he* isn't part of the equation that makes it work.
All I can do now is hope and pray that he takes some ownership in his part and steps up to the plate.
You know how when you don't see a kid for several months, when you finally do see them they look SO different? Well, I am actually glad for this time apart because not only will I get to just focus on my mental health, but I will also focus on really getting my body rockin'. And as immature as this is about to sound, I would LOVE for him to have his jaw drop on the floor when he next sees me. Regardless of what he decides.
Got into huge fight with my mother who was "sad that I was sad, but also glad that this situation would finally be over. but now was ticked off because H was 'dragging it out'" I tried to explain that I get to have choices too, but it just turned into a big fight. Annoying.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
