Some states, like my own, NY, require you to point a finger and find fault with the other spouse in order to get a divorce. Our system is broken. Many, like myself, will find yourself stuck...forced to stay under the same roof until the process is done.
Do your best to save your M but should things lead you down this path, be strong and keep your head high.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I live in NY also but I don't think the system is broken.At least besides grounds they will tell you to stay separated for a year before you could file.That gives people time to think before finalizing it.I think the problem is with states that make it so easy.Hey I don't love this person so they get a quick divorce.When things are so easy ,marriages become expendable.
Thanks eye. Adultery is NOT grounds for divorce in the state of NY. It is still on the books as a misdemeanor. As my L told me once, if everyone went to criminal court for adultery, the court systems would be jammed and come to a stop.
Separation, for most WAW's...is not a means to 'mull it over' for the most part. If you read, most separations occur because there is another man in the picture and/or, the WAW aims for a slow death for the marriage. Once separation occurs, the majority go on to divorce. Separation...is NOT a postive.
In addition, if the H is the main bread winner, separation is a disadvantage as you will most likely end up paying MORE than in a divorce decree. According to my L, those divorces that start with separation, are the ones that last forever and drag on forever. The total support award is usually so high, that most WAS's don't want it to end. The only reason to either agree to sep or file for sep is a serious indication that there is hope for reconciliation...one of the biggest forms of denial here. Food for thought.
Bottom line..if your W wants a separation, chances are extremely high that there is or was an OM out there.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Faithful, I know in my case there are other men in the picture.Adultery is still grounds but is generally difficult to prove that iswhy most people don't go with that ground.As for sep.i know what you are saying.I don't know financial aspects of your sitch but in mine W would end up paying me.Every sitch is different.I know that seps.a lot of time do end in divorce.But to divorce right now would pretty much rule out any chance of reconciliation.No body gets eveything they want in a divorce.Both parties end up losing in the end.Divorce also is NOT a positive.
FIB, I also know that there is an OM in my sitch, and that he is most definitely not "just a friend". There may have been multiple OM over the last 10 years. What I was told is that her separating from (i.e. abandoning) the family and moving overseas with the OM pretty much puts me in the drivers seat as far as custody, child support and the like.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I downloaded the pdf and it was one of the primary reasons I opened my eyes and filed.
Divorce is NOT a positive Eye..but neither is being cheated on, lied to, disrespected...and even worse, not drawing boundaries as a man.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
My W is in total and complete denial about her recent affair and her affair from 10 years ago. She gets violent (to the point of self-mutilation) if anyone suggests that she has had any infidelity. Of course, the facts are so completely against her:
From her affair ten years ago: * Her affair partner's friend told me directly that he had bragged about "bagging" her. * She called my mom and sister bawling and hysterical that she might be pregnant or have contracted an STD from her liaison with the first OM. * Her mother denied that anything like that had happened (Her daughter was a good girl) and that the phone call to my sister had been a ploy that my MIL had orchestrated to make me jealous. Later, she retracted the claim about orchestrating the incident.
From her recent A: * She meets OM in Germany while on vacation and is gone for days at a time. No one knows where she is. It is later discovered that she has been staying at his house. * She lies and tells me that he is gay so I will agree that he can come and visit with us for 10 days last September. While here, they stayed at a beach-front hotel together and a cabin in the mountains. My kids also phone-cam'ed them snuggling on the couch watching movies while I was away with my S13 launching rockets. * She calls and texts him incessantly for two months straight. Sometimes for hours a day, in the privacy of her car. * She tells me she wants a divorce, then settles for a separation when I agree to give her a large sum of money. The OM is enlisted to fly from Germany to "hold her hand" on the plane ride. What a nice friend, eh? * She goes on a long weekend getaway to Nuremberg for KristkindleMarkt. She claims that he was not there with her. Her sister claims he was not there with them. His WerKenntWen status, at the time, said he was on his way to Nuremberg for KKM. * She moves into an apartment that is 5 minutes from his, and in the same town. She had previously been staying with her parents which were 30 minutes away, and in a different town. * She started a wonderful friendship with the OMs' sister. * She comes back to the US "to see the kids" and starts making like Robin Hood and buying stuff off the net and shopping on my credit card. Many of the things are for her new "best friend". * She claims she hasn't had contact with the OM "for months", despite that I had only 5 minutes earlier seen her entire sent-email directory with messages to him having been sent only 2 days earlier. * She freaks out that I would impugn her morals and slashes her wrist.
Lots more, but the pattern is unmistakable.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
PD...you made the right choice to file. You cannot live like this. Marriage is 2..not 3. At the worst, you could contract an STD. As I've posted to others, filing is not a D although it certainly takes things in that direction. It's an LRT...advocated even here by Michele...last resort technique. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
