3 1/2 years into MLC

[Holly06]

I have had a few interesting developments lately, encouraging really, and I thought I would share with anyone interested what it can look like 3 1/2 years into the MLC tunnel.
We are divorced, OW is gone, and TJ seems to be surfacing somewhat. My IC says it looks like reconnection. I am not so optomistic, but it IS encouraging.
Since OW is gone,I have had several + contacts with TJ. We attended D22 college graduation together, and he was uber polite. Eyes looks haunted, and he was nervous.
He sent pics of event 2 weeks later.
Had a text for mother's day. Very sweet.
Sent a text for father's day. nice reply.
Had to contact regarding a financial bit, and he responded very kindly and upbeat. Ended the exchange with Good luck!!
He had the kids for the fourth of July. I sent a favorite dish. I got a very nice thank you...it was great...been a long time.
Acting on some prompting from some friends here on the board
I sent a silly email about 2 weeks ago. I got a + reply.
All his written communication has had !! ending it.
Then last week.
My birthday. I was expecting a text. 2 days before, I got a present in the mail from him. He attached a big note, in the style of his birthday cards when he loved me,
Happy 52nd Birthday Granny!! TJ
He framed a pic of D22 and I from graduation, that he took.
I was floored.
I responded in a voicemail, and teased him about calling me granny and thanking him. The next day, on my birthday, he text me ur welcome... have a great day!
I have only received one gift since this mess started, and that was when we were reconcilling. Only text, and not always. (OW put her foot down).
It is so nice.
He is taking up golf again. I know because he used paper from his new golf club. Must have joined.
His sister has seen him and he seems more relaxed.
Lots of contact with the kids.

I have several other friends who are about the same time frame, and there has been a change, progress with all of us. Mostly good, but progress nonetheless.

It feels so good. Like the old TJ.

Now for the disclaimers.
TJ has never gotten nasty. No monster or ugly behavior.
He has moved 4 hours away. Contact is limited.
We did attempt reconciliation. dismissed the divorce. He got spooked, the only reason I can honestly say, is it was too good. Naturally, we did not attempt any of the issues, but I did demonstrate how I could be gentle, and forgiving. Just enjoyed each other. Very few R talks, but we had to get reacquainted.
I have never whined, pleaded, or acted needy. I have gotten on with my life as best I could as a single empty nester.
I have a career I love, but it does not fill me up.
I miss being 1/2 of a marriage, but he does not know that.
I am a bit mysterious.
I try to let him make the contact when ever possible.
I did not interfere in his affair. It ended a natural death. I even wished him well in the relationship.
It was easier for me to detach, because we did not have many issues to keep in contact over. We have none that we have to be in contact with now. His living 4 hours away, starting a new life in a new state was heartbreaking but in the end an advantage.
I feel very positive about my sitch right now.
Of course, it can go either way, and then many possible outcomes.
I have been able to intuitively know the direction this is going in. History bears this out.
But if anyone is interested to sit on the curb and watch this unfold, I will share the sites, insite and out!

[mdoodles]

i am very happy to read this! i am in this for almost 3 years (not knowing it was mlc until almost 2 years into it)....if u have a moment, please take a look at my situation and offer me some advice? i would greatly appreciate it.

[snowmm]

I would love to be able to sit on the curb and watch someone elses show. I just got back from the store and I bought some popcorn.

I remember some of your situation. But can you tell me how the OW goes away? I'm just so tired of the OW. It's been almost three years and I know that's nothing compared to some of the OWs on this site. Can you tell when the OW is on her way out?

We need some encouragement. Thanks for coming back!

[mdoodles]

im tired of the ow too...i like to think she is on the way out yet everytime i think so, she is still there!!!

[snowmm]

There are people on this board who are going to tell us that we are giving the OW too much time and thought but it would just be nice to know if there is any way to tell.

I'd update my sitch but I'm afraid that the OW is lurking.

[forward]

Holly, Interesting indeed. Such a long time, sigh.

I have a hard time imagining a present. That must have been wonderful.

[Holly06]

I hope I can help. I also hope that I can post enough of this reconnection (if it is that) so that everyone can see at least the pattern in 1 sitch. Aside from the fact that I want my marriage back.....

OW. I would love to give you the skinny. I am afraid I just dont have it. I will tell you this. It is about trust. Trust in that all things work out for the good.
I let the world do the work for me. I trusted the process. I let it go. I trusted that all relationships built on cheating and broken trust only had one place to go. To the toilet.
If I would have interfered, I believe I would give them a common enemy. I wanted the relationship to die a natural death. That one has a better chance of staying dead.
Do you want a timeline? I left them alone.
This is a crazy part of the story.
I have not had any contact with TJ. I was blind. But one day, as I was on the phone with a friend celebrating a possible new dating relationship for him, I started crying. I dont know where it came from. I was just sad. My friend worried that he had caused it (NO WAY) but all I could come up with that something was terribly wrong. OVerwhelming saddness, when I really was happy for my friend. I finally found the words for the sadness, and I told him that I thought something was wrong with TJ. He supports me in my quest to restore my marriage. I didnt know what but I was just tearful.
I had a horrible sunday afternoon, not able to shake it. I was genuinely worried about him. I hatched a plan. Waited to execute (24 hr rule). On my way to work Mon. morning I text TJ's sister. She supports me but we had not spoken for several months. I told her that she did not have to respond to me, but I had these feelings and I would rest easier knowing that someone would check up on TJ since I could not shake those feelings. Later that day she said that was weird that TJ had been down and she thought that he had finally reached the bottom. He spent the weekend with them, did not drink and said he wanted to go to church, he felt he needed to be there.
She ask me if I still loved him? Had I told him?
We went back and forth, and several weeks later she told me that that was the very bad breakup weekend. Something horrible happened, and to this day she will not tell me. My kids know (I believe) but it is a kindness for me NOT to know. I knew all I needed to know, and that he was OK. Well, sort of.
Then came the Graduation set up (by TJ) and you know the bones of the rest.
I want you to know that I will find out without seeking this horrible incident if I need to know. I have experienced again and again what Snodderly refers to "falling in you lap" when I am STILL.
If TJ and I reconcile, and he wants me to know he can tell me. Other than that I do not need to know.

Years ago, I would have never been able to trust this process. I would have contolled, fixed and manipulated it. Now I just trust.

I know that his family thought she was awful. They did not interfer,but really they SO disapparoved. My girls handled it their own way. I do not think that they were easy on him.
I will tell you what D25 told me. The fact that I did not bash or belittle their dad allowed them to have a relationship with him. NOw I see that this is a wonderful tool NOW. If they are reconnecting with them it is "win win". The man I love has some family and comfort: my kids have a dad (flawed as they now know him to be) and he knows me to be Graceful. Now the opposite of clumsy, but full of Grace.
If I have any advice at all, it is to know what hurts the most now will become an advantage to you later on. You can fight these little wars and hurts and injustices. Do what is right. Take care of yourself and your children, be kind, BE STILL. Do protect yourself, because you can not become so bitter that you are damaged. You are making points and victories to win the WAR not the battles. Lose battles. Lots of them. Let them work themselves out naturally.
Natural consequences of their choices. That is where you need to be.

[snowmm]

Thanks for that insight.

Trusting the process. I believe that I am doing that. Just have questions and those who have gone through it are the best to ones to ask.

My girls rarely talk to him but that is more his choice than theirs. They are 32 and 22. His son (18) talks to him and is good friends with her sons. Even when he and the OW break up his son will still be friends with her kids.

I try to be kind to him and to keep my mouth shut...duct tape. I believe because I stay out of the way I can see things are changing and moving in the right direction...ever so slowly.

Did you have in your mind a set time? That it would be over or that you would give up? I know - I'm asking questions that have nothing to do with my situation...just wondering what other people were thinking.

It's hard to leave them alone when he lives here (and I don't want him to move out). We watch tv together several nights a week. We laugh together. He brings me gifts (dessert that we used to share when we were dating). He e-mails me during the day to check on how I'm feeling. He let's me know when he's going to be home late. So leaving him alone to have his relationship with the OW is hard...but I try.

So please keep us posted on the reconnecting.

[Holly06]

Good for you SNM.


If you put a deadline on your "stand" then Lucifer knows what he has to do to defeat you.

[snowmm]

I wish Lucifer weren't so smart.