Thought I was over this

[C-Bart]

I'm not really sure were to start. I've been reading the forum at DB for 8 months or so and have appreciated the great advice and hope offered. The reason I am finally posting is I am really lost. My W gave me the typical excuses for wanting to leave for 6 months. During this time I tried everything and we actually seemed to make some progress. Looking back I can see that nothing was as it seemed. In December she finally made the leap and got her own place. However, she didn't move out until I pushed the issue. Didn't seem to make sense for here to have a house and not live in it. So technically we have been separated for 6 months. During the first 5 of those months I took it as my duty to change her mind. To make her see she was making a mistake that our entire family would regret. That all stopped about three weeks ago when I finally decided to let go. In fact I have now taken an active role in moving the D forward. She did the initial filing and then did nothing else. I think I may be giving her a way out of her guilt but at the same time I am giving myself some control. This sitch seems similar to many I have read.

Here's were things are starting to get confusing. I'm starting to get some very mixed signals. She is really opening up or at least I think she is being more open. For example we had a conversation yesterday and she talked a bit about her parents (both gone now) and her lack of connection to them. Additionally, it seems like she starting to see some of the ramifications divorce has on the children that live in her new neighborhood. She has never been very direct or open so this seems to be a big step. I am afraid that this is all to little to late. I really don't think I'm ready to be sucked back into the emotional roller coaster that was my life for the past year. That being said I still have strong feelings for my W. Did I mention I was lost!

I guess the best thing to do is to keep on my own path. Regardless of what happens I have made great strides in my relationships with my children, family and God.

[lonelywolf]

I guess the best thing to do is to keep on my own path. Regardless of what happens I have made great strides in my relationships with my children, family and God.

That's what is holding me together. Keep on your own path. At the very least, become the best person you can become. That's one of the messages I've taken from the DR book.

[givingitmyall]

Hi C.

Sorry you find yourself here, but, as you appear to already know, this is a great place to come for advice, support or just to vent.

Can you tell us a little about your marriage? How long were you married, any kids and if so, what ages? It helps to know a little about those aspects to be able to give you input on your situation.

What do YOU want at this point?

[Dia]

Hi, C, and welcome.

[C-Bart]

Wow that is an interesting question. What do I want? That is honestly the first time anyone asked me that question. I was under the impression I didn't have a choice. I'm not even sure anymore. When this all started I just wanted my W back. From my vantage point we had shared a successful marriage.

Now I want to do the best I can for my 3 kids (D11,S9&7). The statistics around D and kids have me scared to death. When she left in Jan the kids stayed with me and we now split 60/40. Nice thing is I get to keep all the bills and debt and she gets to start over. In exchange I get to keep the house and not pay support. That may change.

What I want is someone who is able to step up when things get hard and work through issues directly. I want someone who I can relate to at an equal level. Someone who is interested in working towards a shared goal and future.

I also want to let go and get on with my life. My therapist says this M is over. Maybe I should except that and move on. That works for a while, until I see a glimpse of hope. Then it all comes rushing back.

[C-Bart]

Wolf, What is last resort? I read DB book a while ago. W took it along with a half dozen relationship/SH books.

[givingitmyall]

C,

Now I want to do the best I can for my 3 kids (D11,S9&7). The statistics around D and kids have me scared to death. When she left in Jan the kids stayed with me and we now split 60/40. Nice thing is I get to keep all the bills and debt and she gets to start over. In exchange I get to keep the house and not pay support. That may change.

What I want is someone who is able to step up when things get hard and work through issues directly. I want someone who I can relate to at an equal level. Someone who is interested in working towards a shared goal and future.

I also want to let go and get on with my life. My therapist says this M is over. Maybe I should except that and move on. That works for a while, until I see a glimpse of hope. Then it all comes rushing back.

Whether you decide to work on your marriage or not (sounds like you have decided or ar leaning very heavily on ending it, which is fine), you need to work on yourself, FOR YOURSELF and your kids. What part did you play in the problems with the marriange (we all are responsible for 50% of the reasons for the break up/issues)? Are there things you need to change in your attitude/outlook on life? Part of the DB process involves getting your self esteem (your ba!!s) back. This will be huge for your next relationship, whether you chose for that relationship to be with your wife or someonelse.

Now comes the fun part. In vconjunction with working on you, what are some things you have always wanted to do but felt you never could? Things you can do that make YOU happy. Do them.

For me, exercise is a HUGE part of getting me happy. If you do that, great. If not, get into it. It is great for your long term health (you need to be there for your kids) and is a healthy way to relieve stress.

Don't worry about what your marriage counselor thinks. If you trust him/her, then fine. But at the end of the day, only YOU know if the marriage is over or if you want it to be over.

There are a lot of folks here going through the same thing you are. Keep posting to vent, for support and for advice. One of the themes you will see is that DB'ing really isn't about saving your marriage. It's about saving and improving YOU for YOU. If the marriage is saved in the process (and you want that) then great. But, the point is, YOU need to be healthy physically and mentally for the most important people in your life - your kids and YOU. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Entangled]

Wolf, What is last resort? I read DB book a while ago. W took it along with a half dozen relationship/SH books.

C-Bart,

Sorry to hear you're going through this too.

The Last Resort is a technique that is used when one spouse had declared that they want out of the marriage. I'm using it myself right now, and have seen some definite results in only a few weeks time.

Basically, when one spouse declares that they are "done", the reaction of the one who wants to keep the relationship alive is understandable and predictable. Anger, pain, sorrow, emotional, begging, pleading, .... none of which are attractive to our spouses. Our natural reaction to try to convince them they are wrong, that things can and will be better, to remind them of all the good times in the past, to convince them of how bad divorce will be, to try to win them back with notes, flowers, gifts... actually have the reverse effect. This is important to understand - IT ACTUALLY PUSHES THEM FURTHER AWAY AND FASTER OUT THE DOOR!

The basic technique is to STOP PURSUING IMMEDIATELY, Get a life for yourself, and set goals and find solutions that work. This gives your spouse the time that they need to calm a bit and not feel pressured. Once that happens, other changes become more possible, including them starting to wonder and think about you and the changes you're making. That's part of what needs to happen, she needs to be thinking about you and what you're doing.

Do yourself a favor and go out this morning and get Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy, read the chapter on the Last Resort Technique, and then make sure you read the whole book! Good Luck!

[C-Bart]

Been down the road of pursuing, bad move. My problem at this point is I have moved to GAL and find myself seeing an interest from W or at least less contempt. Now I'm fighting the instinct to jump back into an all out pursuit. Guess what everyone is saying is hold back for now and let her come to me? This really is counter intuitive.

GAL is excellent advice! I've been in that mode for a few weeks and notice differences in my entire family, especially the kids.

[C-Bart]

Had to pick up the kids today on my way home from breakfast with a friend. W went out last night with friends to a community dance. Thought dances ended in high school. Sounded like she had a good time. One thing she said is she spent a good deal of time "crying her eyes out". Asked her why she was crying and she just said she was drinking to much. Left it at that. She is still being very nice to me. Told me yesterday I should move into the house across the street.