I am starting to think my life resembles an old SNL sketch. It was Phil Hartman as washed-up B Movie actor Johnny O'Connor, and John Lovitz as his Agent, Harry. Harry is trying to tell Johnny his career is over, but Johnny can't seem to hear it...
Johnny O'Connor: [ reflecting ] Maybe I've made too many of these war movies. Maybe I should take a rest, huh, Harry?
Harry: Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Johnny.. I was thinking you should take a rest, too. A permanent one.
Johnny O'Connor: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Harry: I'm letting you go.
Johnny O'Connor: You mean..?
Harry: Yes. Your contract isn't being renewed.
Johnny O'Connor: But, Harry, I..
Harry: You're finished, Johnny!
Johnny O'Connor: Don't mince words!
Harry: I think you stink!
Johnny O'Connor: Listen, Harry, if you're unhappy with my work, tell me now!
Harry: You're through, do you hear me, through! You'll never work in this town again!
Johnny O'Connor:Don't leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!
Harry: I think you're the worst actor I've ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O'Connor: What's the word on the street?
Every so often after one of my exchanges with Dan, I picture myself as Johnny, still asking Dan where we stand after 2 years of this...
I've been a lurker for a long, long time. On occasion I have thought about commenting to you. Tonight I will.
My journey has been 13 years. My H was transfered to another city when my D was 3. I stayed back to finish up my work. While I was juggling "our" old life, he was setting up a new life. He hired a assistant that left her small D to live with a father that she claimed was abusive. Why? Because she wanted out of the marriage so she could marry a wealth client. Yet, when her new H got cancer she left him. She was broke and needed a job. Basically, he hired her to save her and his new life became movies, dinner, and entertained clients with her. Surprise, within days as starting as his new assistant, she started to hit on my H. She propositioned him and he said he said no. In spite of all of her history, he saw the good in her and the bad in me. He wanted me to be friends with her. I said no. He saw her gesture as kind, mine as bitchy. The pattern with assistants continued for years.
For 12 years, I thought I did what was best for my D. I sped up my move to "save" my marriage. In short, I gave up my career. For 7 years I put up with one EA after another. I finally announced that my D and I were headed for home with or without him. He agreed to move closer to home.
Last year, in front of my D, my H said some very horrid things. I told him he needed to leave. Drama followed, but for the first time I stuck to my boundaries and he left.
Once out of the house, I asked him to pick times to see our D. He picked every other weekend. I begged him to add, at the very least, one day during the week for dinner. He just couldn't commit to an additional day. She refused to sleep at his new place. Again I was in the middle so I offered to leave the house on his weekends. So it was. I left every other weekend so he could take our D.
What else happened? Most nights on his way from work he offered to stop at the grocery store for me. I told him no, but for my D, I invited him for dinner. He came. He came to put the garbage out every week - his only job at the house. I told him to stop. He didn't listen. I GAL. When I came home from GAL, he was sleeping on the couch. I tried to set the boundaries. He couldn't hear.
One day my D said at dinner, "You want your cake and to eat it too! You left! Now go! You want me every other weekend, so be it! Stop coming here when it is best for you! We have moved on"
He was devastated. I was humiliated. She said what I thought. She said what I wanted to say, but didn't have the courage to say. I thought I held my tongue for her. In fact she said the truth! It was at that moment I realized I raised a great girl. She had what I failed to get. She had a sense of boundaries. He moved back home.
For 13 years our marriage has been mostly down hill. Last week at his birthday party I looked around for family -- mostly my family and not his. His friends told me what a great kid my D was. Many of the same friends noted the strong bond between my D and me. While all this marriage drama strengthened his relationship with our D, it still is lacking and I'm still in the middle. I will probably leave when she leaves for college.
Thanks so much for sharing, I always appreciate input!
Last night Dan came over at 9:15. He wanted to see the kids since he didn't go to Canada, and I told him sorry, they were going to Bible school until 8:30.
Sydney got up in his lap and asked him the pajama thing again (when are you going to bring your jammies and toothbrush home Daddy?). He said, "Maybe someday, honey". Wtf way to screw with her mind.
He put the kids to bed and came out. I asked him about counselor's suggestions for Nathan--Dan took Nathan to counselor Saturday and he wanted to talk about how he was afraid to sleep in his room, afraid of monsters b/c daddy wasn't there to keep him safe.
Anyway we got on a tangent about Sydney wanting to sleep in the basement (the playroom downstairs is a third bedroom, right now she and Nate sleep in same room upstairs). He said, "Who told her she could? She doesn't need to yet." Then he said, "If you told her that she could someday then she doesn't understand that, she is too little...she will think it means now." I just said, "Oh, I noticed you told her you would move home 'maybe someday'..."
Anyway it degenerated to him saying he couldn't even look at me anymore, he would love me till the day he died but he couldn't forgive me for not supporting his desire to buy the piece of the farm 3 years ago--right before he started his A. I told him forgiveness was a choice. He said he couldn't trust that I would be there to support him b/c I wasn't there the ONE time he needed my support (the farm thing).
I said I disagreed w/his decision but it was his decision to make. Then I asked him which address he wanted on kids' registration forms for school as I have to register them on Friday. He said, "Just write 'Dad-Homeless'" and then went on about how I didn't get it, it was going to rain overnight and I was in a nice dry house, meanwhile he was worried that his piece of sh!t renovation was going to leak...
I just told him that he chose to be homeless and to have a leaking p.o.s. house, he had children and a wife who wanted him and a nice house to live in and he chose to leave it. Then I just had to ask, I asked "What do you gain from refusing to forgive? From holding a grudge? You get to be homeless and have a p.o.s. house, and be angry and depressed. How is that worth it?" I think I struck a nerve...
So he got up and left and as he left he told me "You just think I am a pedophile rapist. You're crazy"--referring to the porn addict info. I had given him awhile back. I never said anything about pedophile or rapist, I said he had an unhealthy need for porn and strippers.
It is what it is. The guy just texted me to chit-chat on Friday and on Saturday. He took me out to dinner last Friday and paid. Yet he can't even look at me? And I am the crazy one...
He hasn't talked to me that way before, ever. Except for immediately after I busted him with his affair partner, when he snapped at me "We ARE getting divorced". But he never called me names.
On the plus side, that exchange last night did it for me. The rope isn't dropped, I cut it. Detachment is a strange thing. Thought I had it a few times before but now that I know how it feels, I realize it never did...
Last edited by BobbiJo; 08/04/0903:07 PM. Reason: added something
Yeah BBJ...detachment takes longer than most of us believe. If I may; "I just told him that he chose to be homeless and to have a leaking p.o.s. house, he had children and a wife who wanted him and a nice house to live in and he chose to leave it. Then I just had to ask, I asked "What do you gain from refusing to forgive? From holding a grudge?" You have not cut the rope yet BBJ....not even sure you dropped it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. By the way, I still can not believe that he puts the blame on you for all this because of a farm?? Anyhow I just read something on kalni's thread that sure hit home with me...because believe it or not, due to the contact I have with my ex, sometimes I do drift a little.
John, I hadn't cut it yet, it happened sometime after he left when I looked at the conversation from an outside perspective.
*He cheated on me not once, or twice, but with three different women. (That I know of)
*He moved out of our house, left me, even when I forgave him for cheating
*He blames me for his not buying the farm, said it was the one time he needed my support and I didn't give it to him. Yet, how many things has he done that I disagree with? If he wanted it badly enough he would have gone and done it. Don't recall him needing my permission to carry on a 20 month affair...
*He left me, but wants to throw a pity party that he has no home and has a 'shitty' life. He admitted himself that every aspect of his life has gotten worse since he left me...of course he just turns it around and blames me
I read the post @ kalni's thread, too.
The thing that has kept me going this far is my son crying himself to sleep at night and my d asking daddy to bring his jammies home. I know you can't stay married just for the kids. But you sure as hell can exhaust every option (counseling, retreats, clergy, etc) to reconnect with your spouse and have a married life, because you want that for your kids. But then again, I am crazy...
I'd say something, but I'm speechless. He certainly feels sorry for himself, but he doesn't see that he is responsible for his situation. And you have pointed it out to him several times. What does it take for someone to see reality?
