Hi everybody, It has been a very long time since I've posted. But I'm still here and have been reading up on everyone's thread. Well, I have great news and not so great news.
A lot has happened since my last post back in June.
The House First, my wife and I have decided to buy a house together. We found a property and the house is being belt right now. It should be completed by the end of September. The house is completely in my name since we are still divorced and couldn't get the house together in both our names since she still has the other house. The house is slightly outside of Boston, which to be honest I would have preferred something closer to the city, but she likes it and that is what matters to me. She is planning on moving back in with me once the house is completed
The Engagement to be August has always been a special month for us. It is the month we first met, got engaged and eventually got married. We went together a couple of weeks ago and choose an engagement ring. Although not said explicitly, she tacitly expects me to propose on our anniversary this month (which is two weeks from now). I already made reservations at one the nicer restaurant here at Boston. Got us a private room and plan on proposing there. My wife wants us to get married sometime in March and has already told her family/friends about it.
The Overall situation Right now I have really mixed feelings on what to do. In other words, I am having doubts as if I should marry my wife again - or at least wait another year or so. Here's why.
Emotional Gap - I still feel as if there is a wall between us emotionally. It's hard to explain, but I get the sense that she is still afraid to open up her heart to me. I know she still has trust issues with me and I wonder if we need to develop a stronger bond before we get married again. I know I did a lot of damaged and healing takes time. I just think sometimes that we need more healing and bonding before we make the big jump.
Needs Gap - I am very affectionate and audio-driven (love to say I love you). However, my wife's love language is gifts and acts of service. She never tells me she loves me and hates to receive affection. Each time I try to give her a kiss, she acts like it is gross and disgusting. She tells me she is playing around, but that's the thing - she is always playing around and never really serious about getting that need met for me. I really go out of my way to write her cards, give her flowers, etc and do errands and what not to show her I love her. We were at a dinner one night and I brought the topic up of me being affectionate. She told me that I had to just accept that she is not affectionate and that she was not going to change. That hurts. It's like she doesn't even want to try to make me happy in that regard. I'm not asking for sex or anything, I just want to be able to hold hands, have her in my arms, to be more lovely in public and when we're together. She does show signs at times though. For instance, while we're driving she lets me put my hand on her thigh or my arm around her shoulders. However, right now I feel like I can't be hold her while watching TV or something without her making some comment or her pushing me away. I'm very affectionate and I don't know if I can live without that.
Communication/Understanding/Respect Gap - When it comes to serious conversations, my wife either blows it off or gets offended. Here's an example from today. My wife hates my mom and blames her for our divorce in some ways. They have never gotten along. Well, she told me to not tell me mom we are being a house until we actually move it. Well, I told my cousin who then told my mom. I told my wife about it and she had a fit. She told me that I didn't care about her feelings and that I was selfish, etc. That hurts because nothing is further from the truth. We recently started going to church together, and I told her what's the point in going to church if she is not going to work on being a better person. She got in a very bad mood. Later that evening she called and told me she didn't want me to go to church with her anymore. I told her that we needed to work on showing each other our commitment and care for one another. She told me that if I didn't like it that I can just walk out of the relationship.
It seems like whenever we have a serious discussion about money, the relationship, etc - she either never wants to talk about it or gets easily offended.
Confused and not sure what to do I love my wife a lot. Lately, we've been spending a lot of time together and honestly feel like we were bonding these last few weeks. We still call each other by our pet names and have been very playful around each other. However, I see some red flags. I am beginning to doubt her commitment and seriousness towards the relationships. I can just hear Breton39 saying right now "actions, not words." I just don't know what her actions are telling me. Our love language is so opposite and I hate not being about to talk to her about anything serious. At the same time, I feel like we've made so much progress and I want to save our marriage more than anything. I love my wife so much, but it is as if she is afraid to let me in. The few times I've mentioned this to her, she told me that if she didn't love me she wouldn't want to be spending time with me.
If I don't propose on our anniversary, I feel that I might as well call it over because she will be so devastated and disappointed. I want to marry her - but I don't know if she really feels the same about me. She tells me at times that right now our daughter is her priority and that maybe one day we can be close again like we where when we first started dating. But shouldn't we be there first before we get married rather than hope that it happens. I am willing to do whatever it takes. But I don't know if we are on the same page as far as wanting to really bond and be closer. Every now and then she will make a comment such as "I want us to get to know each other better." But other times her words and actions seem different.
I wasn't planning on buying a house and getting married so soon. The initial plan was for us to buy the house next year and to work on the relationship until then. However, we happened to stumble across this property and she really likes the country. Right now I think it would be better to hold off on everything and simply focus on making our relationship stronger - building trust, spending time together, creating that strong bond. Like I said earlier, I don't really care much for the house, but I am willing to go for it if it means being with my family and having a loving relationship. However, I don't want to get the house and find out that we jumped into the relationship too fast. I would have rather gotten a house closer to my work if that is the case. However, if I don't marry her now and get the house now, I know she is going to feel like I am not serious/get very hurts. I think my odds of getting reconciled will be close to null at that point.
I am so confused and don't know what to do. I really need some advise here. Should I have faith and hope everything works out? Or should I tell her that I want us to wait and risk not getting back with her at all? If so, what should I do about the house situation. My goal here is to not just get back with my wife, but to have a strong, intimate and close relationship.
Help...
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 08/14/0905:42 AM.
You definitely need to address these issues. Perhaps discuss them one at a time with your W rather than just offload the whole in one sitting. That way it will be easier to decipher exactly where you both stand and you won't get bogged down or go round in circles.
Hey. I have been a lurker on here & ur story has gotten me the most. I think u should be open & honest with ur wife & try counseling before u guys get married again. I think u have come a long way & was wondering if u could read my story & offer any advice:
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."-Romans 8:28
Thank you so much for the replies thus far. I always take whatever insight/advice you give as I still consider myself a beginner when it comes to this DB thing. That said, this is what's been on my mind these last two days.
When my wife and I were first married, we were very affectionate and emotionally there for each other. This bond was naturally there due to there being a sense of safety and security in our relationship, which I have found to be of utter importance in my relationship. So although my wife (or ex-wife to not confuse any new comers) says she is not affectionate or does what to communicate, the truth is she is completely able to since she did it consistently while we where married.
The problem here is that there is not enough trust there - its growing but still needs time to cultivate. We've made a lot of progress, but I've gotten very needy lately, which has in turn lead to nagging and me being pushy in trying to mold my wife into my image of what a relationship should be. In other words, I'm trying to microwave the relationship into what it use to be when the reality is that restoration is more like a crock pot.
I agree that my wife needs to be more understanding, more considerate of my needs and better at communicating. But I abandon my family for over a year when my daughter was born. In my wife's greatest hour of need, I was nowhere to be found. That type of breach of trust is going to take a lot longer to restore and I need to understand that right now is not the time for me to be getting my needs met. Although that really sucks, I am still in the DB phase where I still need to prove my worth, still show her that I am not the same person. Unfortunately, only time can bring back that sense of safety and security.
What I need to do is continue to love her unconditionally (which these last few weeks I've done a poor job of doing). This has to be about making her happy and me understanding that I have a responsibility to met my own needs. I cannot allow my happiness to swing up and down depending on the emotional state of my wife.
What I can do is focus on the many victories we've made. The fact that there is enough there for her to want to marry me and give me a second try is worth celebrating. In time, she will come around - that is the nature of love, but more importantly the nature of trust.
Paradoxically, I need to focus more on myself - but in the DB matter of being selfish. I need to keep working on making me a better person, on exercising, developing, doing good on the job, etc. Coupled with showing the other person how much you care, that is what makes a person want to be close to you.
Is my wife being selfish. In many ways yes. But I understand that she is simply trying to protect herself. It is unrealistic for me to expect her to suddenly pretend as if what I did never happened. Maybe as I get further in this DB process it will not be okay for her to be selfish, but in this early stage she has every right to until enough safety points can be deposited.
------- That said, my wife and I did have a talk about this on Saturday. In short, she told me that she felt like I was trying to force her into the relationship instead of allowing it to just happen. She told me that she loves me a lot and wants to make it work, but that she is just not quite there yet and that we need time to allow our relationship to grow. That said, she wants us to be engaged and to work on us until we are ready to be married - which she indicated she'd like to see happen next year. She reminded me that I was the one that screwed the relationship up, so I can't expect her to just act like I didn't do anything
So for now, I am going to propose to her but I will not marry her until we've gotten further in this DB process. There is just too much healing that needs to take place before we make that big leap. As for the house, I am going to still get it. Although not the ideal location for me, I like the house and the school district is one of the best for my daughter.
That said, this DB process takes a lot of patience and really does test the upper limits of one's strength. I can't tell you how much I felt like throwing in the towel these last few weeks. However, my family is worth the fight and I am so close to getting them back. I cannot allow the things I cannot control to control me. I need to have faith in this process and keep remembering where I've been and where I'm at now. Still lots of work to do, but nothing great in life is without a sacrifice.
-------- I will write some more later. I know that it seems like I take forever now to reply, but with work and spending time with the family, exercising, etc - its not always easier for me to make time to surf the net but I will make a better effort.
Hi Prvbs31, I will read your story and see what advice I can offer. Most likely, it will be later this week when I am not half asleep.
Thanks
PS love to hear from Breton39, FaithfulH and Lodo - your words of wisdom of this last year has really gotten me through a lot
hey lnmw - haven't posted much the last bit but have kept up on your sitch. I actually wrote a pretty long response to you regarding your post, but it kind of ripped into you more than was fair, so I trashed it.
You know, we all are just doing the best we can. If you're like me, you come here hoping someone can give you that magic phrase or particular outlook that will free you from the emotional turmoil. But really those things are just suggestions and it all has to come from within you.
I probably tend to think more along the lines of how your wife feels because she's in a situation I was in. Not exactly, but close. I know how difficult it was to open up again. And I got burned one more time. But my sitch isn't yours, which is why I deleted what I was going to say the other day.
DanceQueen wrote you some great advice awhile ago. Your wife is in an intensely protective period of her life right now. You'll have to just accept that if she's the one you want to be with. You have to accept it warts and all. And if that isn't for you, then it isn't for you. But don't be untrue to yourself. It has to come from within or it'll never work. Beware the flip side, though - there isn't necessarily greener grass out there, only people that are different, with different issues at stake.
take care man. lodo
ps - one thing i will say, i couldn't believe what you said to her about the church thing and being a better person. it struck me as self-righteous and hypocritical. if I were her, i'd never step foot in church with you again. if you really did say that, lighten up a little. it isn't your place to judge. it's your place to learn how to bridge gaps and communicate, to listen, to hear the space she's speaking from and better understand the space you're in. That is, if you want to build something with her. if that isn't for you, then you should feel okay about moving on with no regrets.
but, it's all about communication. And you need to ask yourself if you really understand why she says and does the things she says and does. And you need to ask yourself if you really understand why you say and do the things you say and do. All too often we project one problem into other areas until it all becomes a muddled mess and is hard to unravel. So just talk to her. And listen. And don't respond right away - wait 24 hours. And if you really want to be with her, never ever let her feel like she isn't special.
Sorry...I lost track of you. I had marked your lost thread but never expected you might start a new one since your old one was far from locking up. At the rate you were posting it would have taken you years.....but I understand and support your reasons for not spending alot of time here.
First off....big awesome congratulations on the progress you and your W have made in your healing. It appears your W is right with you regarding your need to heal and grow before you remarry. I think I have told you before but I will remind you....the minute you believe you are healed and have reached the end of the process....get VERY worried. This is a far longer process than most people realize. I have found that it is only long after you leave a period in your life that you can look back on it with better (never perfect) clarity. You will be surprised to later learn how much pain, hurt, and wounds that you and your W still carry. I can relate to your need for touching (holding hands, hugs, etc) as I am very similar...and like your W, my W is far less into it. I look at it like this...if we were identical in every way that would be strange and somewhat boring. Some here will tell you not to give up so much for your spouse....I will say that I think that is why most of us ARE here. I found that the more I give to move...the more that comes back to me.
Keep up the great work! Best of luck with the new house and all....Sep is right around the corner!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
You sound as though you've made significant progress. Probably it is best to give things some time. There is so, so much to heal from and reinstate and there are new things to learn.
If things ever got to the point w/me that they have w/you, I would be excited, but I would also be scared. Recommitting would seem very foreign and difficult. I would be afraid of H leaving again if things changed or got difficult.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I'm still here and wanted to give everyone an update. Here's what's happened in a nutshell.
1.) get engaged 2.) Brought new house 3.) ex wife moved back in with our daughter. 4.) she wants to get married in May 2010
That said, I feel utterly confused and lost. I don't know if we should be getting married and even getting back together. I love my wife (ex) so much and I want more than anything for us to be together. However, things are not where I want them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will be. At the same time, we've been making progress and perhaps I need to trust in the progress we've made and hope that things will only get better in time.
My wife wants to get to have an official wedding with ceremony and reception. We never had one for our first marriage, so I can understand why she would want one. That said, we really can't afford it without getting into debt. She doesn't want a big wedding, but our estimates is at about 5-6k. In addition, I have been really tight since I brought the house and a part of me is frustrated and resentful about the house. The thing is that I really didn't want to be the house because (#1) I didn't like the location since it is really far outside of Boston and (#2) I wanted to wait another year until my finances were better off since my rent payment was nothing compared to my mortgage. I also wanting to wait because I felt that we still needed some healing and work in our relationship before we made the big move. I am honestly really stressing out about my finances and I hate living so tight. Whenever I mention finances to her, she thinks that I am complaining and seldom wants to talk about it. This has lead to several large arguments.
At the same time, I feel like I have resentment. During this whole DB process, I've focused so much I trying to win my wife back, to putting her needs first and my needs last. A part of me feels like saying "when our my needs going to get met, what about what I want, etc." I don't want to be bitter, but it the same time I don't want to just settle. I want someone that is going to really love me, to really try to please me and make me happy - to go out of her way to make it known she enjoys being with me. We've made a lot of progress in this area. She is slowly starting to say "I love you" to me, something she naturally doesn't find easy. I also see that she is letting me be more affectionate around her. That said, she still feels that being affectionate is gross and it is frustrating to not be able to hold her hand in public or have her initiate affection. Sexually, she tells me she hates sex and that really bothers me as that is a big deal for me. I also feel that my whole life is on hold. Since I've graduated from college, I've never really done anything for myself. I feel that all my money has gone to helping the family and even if I wanted something, I would always hold back most of the time. And now with this new house and her wanting a wedding, I really can't get myself anything I need.
In addition, I feel that I have little voice in what goes on in our relationship/family. If I disagree with something my wife says, she gets defensive and doesn't try to understand where I'm coming from. I feel like as long as I go along with everything she says and suggests, things are fine - but if I have an opinion that is different, she gets upset. I feel like it is her way or no way. And I guess this really ties back to me feeling resentful.
I am also upset about her best friend and the situation. For those new, when I abandon my family, her best friend pretty much stepped in and helped raised our daughter. Now he is seeing her almost every week for at last a day and he calls our daughter up almost every day to tell her he loves her. I really do hate this and yet that is the bed I made. My daughter also loves spending time with him. I wish things were different, but those are the consequences of my actions.
That said, I have moments that I am really happy being with her. It feels great to wake up in the middle of the night because she wants to talk about her day and simply wants me to rub her back. We've been very playful together and overall I do feel like we are getting closer. But I don't know if this is because I am simply being a doormat and letting her do whatever she wants. I feel so lost. A part of me feels like this isn't working out while a part of me sees all the progress we've made and thinks that things are only going to get better. I also need to deal with this resentment I have or else it will tear me and ultimately our family apart. This DB process is tough and I don't want to give up on our family. I love my wife so much and yet I see so many incompatibilities between us. I don't want to settle, but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. I think I will be posting more for now on as I really don't want to screw up my family.
