Hi. I'm new around here and have been reading like crazy for several weeks. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's going on and with my W and will probably start a thread with my story in the near future. But in the meantime, I have been extremely curious about the subject of exposing the affair as a means to end it and reconcile (as opposed to being spiteful or getting revenge). In general terms, what are everyone's thoughts about exposing the affair to family, friends, co-workers (hers), employer (hers), especially if the OM is already divorced. Does it work? Does it hurt the chance to reconcile? Thoughts?
I'm a proponent in general terms. It may hasten the end to the A, but it may not depending on your situation as everyone's is unique (for example the mental issues involved in my case).
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
In my case, his Mom, even though very hurt by her son's actions, refused to say anything which might upset him in case he decided to not see her anymore. No blood isn't thicker than water since he is adopted. Really his parents aren't in a good marriage themselves and she feels he is all she has. She lost me so maybe that is now true.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You've just asked one of the most debated questions. I strongly feel it can be perceived as an 'act of war'. I won't debate it further, but I did bump one of the 'debate' threads.
If you do it, you can't take it back.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You've just asked one of the most debated questions. I strongly feel it can be perceived as an 'act of war'. I won't debate it further, but I did bump one of the 'debate' threads.
If you do it, you can't take it back.
Some would consider the affair itself an act of war.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I think if OM is divorced, it's a tougher call. Ordinarily, I would say that the OM/OW's spouse has a right to know, as they would otherwise be the ONE person in the equation (of the four) that DIDN'T know what was going on, and I think they have the right to know the truth and make their own decisions accordingly.
Re: her family. Do you think they would be supportive of the marriage?
What was your previous (pre-her-affair) marital style -- overly controlling, or overly accommodating/pleasing?
Exposure doesn't guarantee the affair ends, but depending on who the affair is exposed to (like, for example, OP's spouse,), it may add some stress to the affair. Affairs typically flouish in secrecy so exposure could potentially have a negative impact. It deflates some of the fantasy. The feeling of two people secretly in their own little world.
Long term, I think a lot would depend on where the affair is, how strong the bonds are, are the people involved risk takers? What are the gains and losses? Where are needs being met? Even if the A ends, it doesn't mean that reconciliation will occur. It definitely provides opportunity, but other factors could hinder the opportunity (i.e. blame, fear, a lack of patience, etc...).
Regardless of how carefully and calmly it's done, exposure often provokes intense anger and elicits blame. More then likely it will initially be seen as hugely spiteful and revengeful. Motivations will be twisted to help validate choices.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
