There are def. 3 sides to every story. I assure you..it is the honest to god truth...It makes me look bad if anything. Really...I have had plenty of witnesses to it. I felt as if I deserved it however. I am not trying to be martyr here..I really am not..I have made plenty of mistakes..but I realize that I have faults and I am doing my best to fix them.
I do feel so bad coming on here bashing him like he is some monster. He is not. Really. He has a lot of baggage. He is a highly intelligent, athletic person and without all the baggage getting in the way he has a big heart. I believe in him 100% and I always will. I love him. I am just very mad at him right now. I wish he would get it together and see what he is missing. If you walked up and met him tomorrow you would think he was the nicest guy on the planet. He is very charming. I really do want everyone to know that I have not once told him he is a bad father or husband. I have the utmost respect for him. I have said in the past that I was nag. I accused him of cheating at almost every job he was at. I did not feel confindence in myself but in retrospect he did not help the issue. I am not perfect. I am not a victim. I just want to turn my marriage around. I want him to see that it is not all my fault. So, I guess if he read some of the stuff I wrote he may be hurt by it and I feel so bad and guilty for that. I think he is a great man. I do. He is just lost.
I did not feel confindence in myself but in retrospect he did not help the issue. I am not perfect. I am not a victim. I just want to turn my marriage around. I want him to see that it is not all my fault.
He won't see that it's partly his fault given the situation he is in. It's not going to happen so I'd forget about that for the time being. Accept that, forgive him (for you, don't tell him you've done it) and keep GALing and doing the 180.
The man that you have their just now HAS a lot of problems, a lot of issues and a lot of baggage as you said. Bear in mind HE made his choice and HE must live with the consequences. HE needs to stop wallowing in his own pool of self-pity, stand up, be a man and get on with his life with you (or without you). Until he get's help for his problem and stop feeling sorry for himself you won't be able to do much of anything with him. But remember HE has to do that, not you.
Last edited by P17; 11/20/0911:11 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
if half of what you say about your h is true, you are REALLY better off without him. I don't know if I have ever said that here before. But he's an abuser. And you are into victimhood. Yes you probably did strike out at him emotionally b/c you were needy and I'm NOT even discussing the ppd b/c that's real and too damn bad for HIM if you were sick then. So what? He sounds like the single least responsible man I know. You BOTH got into financial trouble when HE went to law school and didn't work. I had a JOB AND A BABY when I went to law school. Jesus, don't let him whine another minute about that. Tell him to join the Army if he wants and they can pay for the schooling. What a baby and you enabled him! That's what I see. A LOT of enabling. Are you someone who never dated anyone else and thought you should be grateful that a cute guy was marrying you? The crap he has said and done is inexcusable. So yeah, forgive him so you can release yourself from the pain.
But why on earth do you want to be married to him? you can love someone and know they are not good for you (although I personally think it's unhealthy over time, to "LOVE" someone who isn't lovable or loving or respectful to you)
He's not good news for you. He isn't even a great dad. So my gut tells me this is about a really low self esteem on your end and probably on his as well. But you only control you. Be the author of your life's novel. IS this how you want your life to go? Is this CHAPTER going as you hoped? Write the rest of your book yourself and take him out of this chapter of your life. IF he shapes up and mans up, HE can work on getting back to you....you have enough on your plate. Are you seeing a t or c yourself?
You have to and that is NOT a judgment. God knows I needed help and I got it and thank God for that....
Stop asking him about his feelings. Do NOT initate any R talk. IF there's a chance of this M (sigh) getting restored, it's by you getting healthy first. THEN maybe he will. Until you take care of yourself, you won't be bringing anything to the table. Stop taking ALL the responsibility for the failiure of the marriage. The financial part--um, what about his role in providing for the family? If HIS self esteem is as low as I think it is, you are not helping by reminding him of how YOU failed financially b/c the reality is most men know or feel they should be doing it. So his lashing out is his way of blaming you for all...and who wants that in their life?
Get healthy. Be the best mom you can be. The rest will follow but for now, I'd go dark on him big time.
Have you spoken to a DB coach? I found them very helpful. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do love him very much but I think tough love at this point is the answer. I can no longer control what he does or thinks. I have to be happy on my own. I went to a race on Thanksgiving alone w. my mom and sister and my kids and I also went to Thanksgiving at my parent's without him and I am fully prepared to do the same for Christmas if need be. I cannot stop my life for him...I cannot wait for him to decide what he wants from me. I have to respect him and give him the space that he needs. The last thing he needs is a nagging wife..In return I feel SO much better about myself and confindence is finding its way to me. I have a few kinks and issues that I need to work through with myself but he has told me he loved me in a drunken stupor twice this week. I wonder if he is getting scared to lose me..who knows..Honestly...the same goes for cheating..I am starting to learn that I cannot control him..if he wants to cheat then he has SO much to lose...the only person I will allow him to hurt is himself. This is where we are at now..I am giving him respect...space...and time. In the end the decision is his..I will not make this decision for him
STRONGER!!! You are back! I am SO glad you are back..H has said ILY to me while drunk a couple of times..and things like you make me happy or you make me smile. But...I just do not know..Part of me wants to trust him and part of me cannot. I do mean EVERYTHING I said. I am getting SO much stronger. I am almost over the OW thing..I have my good days and bad..but I NEVER mention it to him...I try to stay upbeat and positive. How are you Stronger?? I hope you are doing well!
I am ok. I'm going to post on my thread an update. But I wanted to check in with you. All good things...take it with a grain of salt. Who knows why they say or do what they say or do? It could be a sign he feels he's losing you and wants you back under his thumb.... It be that he means it.
Yesterday...after ALL of this...we had a little financial problem that I got us into. I since have resolved the issue but he said yesterday that this is why he cannot trust me and he will never trust me. I said I will hand all the bills over to you..whatever you want. He said I just cannot trust you. I am not trying to save this marrriage...I want a D and I have been thinking about it for years..he was very sober..he said I thought you had changed but this just proves I cannot trust you. I am SO sick of this crap. Really. I said you said I love you and we have ml and slept in the same bed/couch..he said was I drunk..I said bs. really. bs. Why does he want out of this marriage so bad. I did tell him that I hope he finds someone he can trust and knows wont cheat on him or leave him...I mean really. I get the finance thing but come ON..if that is the ONLY issue...it can be resolved. I just feel like I continue to try to be perfect and make sure NOTHING goes wrong..and when it does..he gets mad..If he has been thinking about d for years why buy a house with me and have another baby 2 years ago?? really?? I am SO confused! What do I do now?
