Do the differing opinions here or with your family and friends cause you much confusion?
Katie provides a very balanced view of things. I however dont believe your H has the honor and will to rebuild a strong relationship from scratch. I would love to be wrong on this.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. ® (FDR)
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. ® (Yoda)
I must have missed the posts that pointed toward K acting (or non-acting?) out of fear. She doesn't seem afraid of anything right now except closing a door that she may want to keep ajar for a while.
I see her as a strong, confident woman. Wiser for the pain, and ready to drive....suddenly faced with a "fork in the road." Maybe there are some beautiful flowers to take in for a while at those cross roads and she just wants to wait a minute before she chooses a direction. ::Shrug:: Maybe "limbo" is there for a reason 'cause some of us should wait there a minute.
Sometimes it's scarier to forgive and let someone who hurt you back into your heart.
Sometimes it's acting out of fear when you don't take the chance of getting hurt again.
Every time you love you take that chance.
She has not been stuck in a cycle. She has actively moved forward, using the information available to her at the time.
I wonder what I'd have done if that chick with the baseball bat, bashing out her cheating boyfriend's headlights, would've been singing that song (Kelly Clarkson?) when I was at similar crossroads?
Now this is something I can't even say out loud: My H had an affair. He moved in with OW, he lied, he lost his job over her... he was a despicable excuse for a human being...and I forgive him.
It would've been much easier for me, emotionally and financially, to kick him to the curb and take the opportunity to explore the roads I'd given up for a life with him. 2 1/2 years later, I can finally say, with certainty, that doing what was hardest, for ME, was worth it. We have never been more together, in love, and happy-- and it's been the most HORRIFIC financial downward spiral imaginable.
Once they see that man in the mirror, believe me, they can change. Once they "see" what they are giving up, they can change. Like Ali, this is the feeling I get about Mr. Sunshine.
I once had a poster tell me my husband didn't deserve me. He was right. Then. But they CAN change, and people on this site, if anywhere, not only have to acknowledge that, they have lived it.
Saving a marriage after infidelity is HARD, but our journey here makes it easier for us than most because we learn who we are and what we need along the way. We learn how to lead. There are loads of resources for that stage when given the choice instead of just stuffing the behavior under the rug, thus inviting repeated cycles of mistakes on all sides.
IMHO, it's too soon for K to have processed the incredible hurtful, horrible things she read and saw, confirming her suspicions. Knowing your H had an affair is one thing, hearing/reading the "pillow talk" is MUCH harder to handle. There were times I thought I'd never get over that and I saw FAR less. But enough to know.... <must not go there>
That said, a whole lot of WONDERFUL ladies and gentlemen on this site are married to someone who will not change. Will K's H change? No one knows. I don't think K knows that either?
Guys, fear? I am afraid of the unknown, with or without him. Dont you? Fear of "making it" alone? I can say no, without hesitation. Fear of him doing it again? Weirdly, not so much. Hurt because of the past? Yes, still a lot.
Confusing me? Actually my instict says to go ahead and try/do. So, I did. Laid out some specific things today and asked for an immediate response, max in a few days. If he agrees (which he did to some already), then I am doing it. If not, I am filing. I am NOT filing to reconcile. Nope.
I am holding on to myself. What I want and need. Who I am and who I want to become 5 years from now. Today I had this very clear vision of myself. I am holding on to that. I will go parallel to him and stick to my new self. If he wants it to work, he has some serious thinking to make and do some serious actions. It's all crystal clear and as I told him, pretty simple too. Sometimes in life, there is a decision to make, a yes or no decision. His decision is to figure out what he wants. If he wants me in his life as an equal partner where love and compassion and respect exist. If he does, the rest should be very very obvious to him and pretty easy too. It is a decision. It's time.
I am not a weak, troubled martyr any longer. I am in a better shape than years. Mentally and physically. A bit tired and fed up but still a lot stronger.
Dont worry about me. I am doing it my way. If it works, it will be great. If not, I will be ok. The uncertainty and the doubts will be there with a new guy or with stbxH. The hurt will be there. My goal is not settle with him. If he agrees (and that involves actions, not words), my goal is a good solid marriage where both of us will be happy. K
DD, you said it perfectly. For a while now I have been going over the hurt and my fear is/was that I lose the chance to have a good relationship with him because I gave up the crucial moment. And my biggest fear is that he will not change enough, or soon enough. It is a risk. I am not a fool or a 20yr old. Everything I have learnt and been thru, will fall now in its place. EITHER WAY I decide to go. And FG, guess what? When last night I finished Passionate Marriage for the 3rd time, I realised something: I AM a "leader". At work, in my relationships, everywhere. It's who I am. It's who I will be. I know how to control it now, or better even, I know that being a leader doesnt mean to control. That's part of my growth. I was too hurt to realise that by sticking to this "circling" mode I was NOT holding on to myself. I am ready now. If he is in, I am can do this. I know it's hard. But I am feeling good. K
K you sound fantastic!!!!!! So glad that Sunshine is shining again. Good for you to tell it like it is with your H. There is a line from a movie "Shawshank Redemption" that says basically "time to get on livin' or get on dyin'" and you decided you are ready to get on living!
Not that you haven't been, what with the painting, the jewelry, nights out with girlfriends, etc. But in terms of your marriage, you have made your decision, chosen a path to stick with. That has to feel great!
I have some more good news but they are not so...real yet, not confirmed. The drug me and my brother decided to give to my dad, "seems" to be working. After 2 concecutive rounds of tests (3 months part), last night I got the blood result for the third round. The cancer indicators have stopped rising and actually dropped 20 points. It could be a coincidence but I am hopeful it isnt since between round 2 and 3 we started giving him the dca. We are waiting for the scans to come out. K
Hey M.. thats wonderful news! Your Dad is so sweet, I really felt for him, I hope he is feeling a little better in himself as well as these good results. Going in the right direction at least. And..
Quote:
Actually my instict says to go ahead and try/do. So, I did. Laid out some specific things today and asked for an immediate response, max in a few days. If he agrees (which he did to some already), then I am doing it. If not, I am filing.
Bravo! Good for you. I am glad you were able to follow your heart and take that risk with him, although like you say, see what his response is first hey! Balls firmly in his court...
But at least he agreed to some things straight away?? Wow, all this 'good' news, or things looking up and on the day that Jupiter (our ruling planet) went direct! And now its speeding towards us (Pisces) by Jan 2010. So 2010 will be our best year out of the last 12 and the next 12 !!!
Sorry to have been so verbose/honest today. Oh and I was in a shop at the weekend and bf bought over a large.. dinosaur game and said.. what do you think?? I got what he meant and said, it looks a little too large for posting ! He then went and found another one and said, well, how about this one? Bless..he was picking up things for your son !!!! He really made an impression on him. I got something flat instead... xxx
Dont worry about me. I am doing it my way. If it works, it will be great. If not, I will be ok.
And that, my friend, is all any of us want for you!
Bravo on coming to a decision and stepping forward with it. I'm quite proud of you. You're right, circling wasn't doing you any good at all. Now it's a straight path.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
LOL, lazy you, didnt want to package it huh? Flat instead? Remember when I said about you being "flat" (moodwise) and bf couldnt stop laughing? Hilarious!!!
I told him he needs to make it clear to her he loves me and will fight for our M and therefor she should stop contacting him. Completely. I told him if I find out that she so much asked for her cds back and he didnt tell me, I am filing next day and he shouldnt even bother to talk to me. He did say why is that so important to you? I replied it is extremely imrpotant and since I am the woman he loves he should do it anyway, humor me, you know? He said, OK, I will do that then if it is so important to you because I guess I need to prove to you who is precious to me.
I told him, he needs to decide what he wants. Does he want me? Does he want our family full time? How does he see himself in 5 years? If the answer is yes, he wants me, then he should figure out a solution about work. He asked, why cant I understand that providing for us is very important to him. I told him I do unerstand but we will NOT have a money problem anyway. And I dont want him to quit, I want him to be present. If he can do that with other ways, I dont care. He needs to "hold on to his priorities/desires" as well to be happy in this marriage, but not on our expense. I told him it is either that, or his fear of financial insecurity would have to measure up against the risk of loosing me. Simple. He agreed and said we should find a commonly agreed solution.
Lastly, I told him my previous request of commitement was totally wrong. I want him to decide what kind of person he wants to be. After what he is been thru, he should know what feels right and what not. And I told him he needs to decide to commit to HIMSELF about integrity, honesty, morals. If he is willing to do that, then he would have to LIVE that way. And if he does, I will be perfectly happy.
I pointed out, I made my decision to be honest and true to myself. I decided I will not let him or anything else, throw me back where I was 3 years ago. And that I decided to stand out as a good person. And that includes finding the courage to forgive him. I am willing to LIVE that. I then said, if he decides, me is what he really wants, time, jobs etc should be easy to joggle. No grey areas. No exits out, no excuses. He agreed and seemed to understand.
The vision of myself today was one of me being content, happy, growing, sharing, learning, feeling equal, balanced, satisfied. And all that not in a fairytale setting. All that in REAL LIFE. And I can fight for that and work and listen and compromise. But the goal now for me, is to keep improving, facing difficulties with strength, being a good mother, growing up with my kids, being a good friend, an exciting lover, a compassionate partner. That is how I see myself.That's my goal. K
