Well I have now been separated for four weeks, OH has now got himself some rented accomadation, I found out today and it knocked me for six as he phone message last night sounded a bit fed up and I became hopeful that he would come home again! I am trying to stay out of his life, letting him contact me and keeping busy myself, started looking for a job as I was a stay at home wife for the last few years! Only trouble I have is we have a twenty one year old son and so he finds out what I am doing through him, even though I have asked him to not say anything I really dont want to put him in an awkward position but cant keep much mystery up if son keeps letting the cat out of the bag! Also OH thinks cos he is still paying for the house that entitles him to come in and out of it whether Im here or not, found out he planned to do that after I had told him I was busy tomorrow and couldnt meet up with him, it makes me feel a bit violated (too stronger word really) trouble is I no longer trust him and dont want things going missing or him doing things without me knowing.. we are still sharing a joint bank account as I dont have a job so dont have any financial backing of my own! any advice much appreciated.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hi Rabbit Just wanted to jump in here to bid you WELCOME - even though it is a travesty that we find ourselves here. If you have time, read my posts, as I am in a pretty similar sitch to yourself.
It really kicks you in the guts when you find out that WAH had found himself somewhere else to live but it doesn't mean that you have to lose all hope! My H has had his own place for about 6 weeks now and I have really tried to help out as much as I can in letting him take stuff from the house, as long as it doesn't leave me going short. I even emptied out half the pantry for him but he complained that I know he dislikes wholemeal spaghetti and cous-cous, so why did I give it to him! Whatever!
I have asked that if H takes anything from our home, he is to please let me know as otherwise I am running around looking for it - which is completely futile! He has agreed to do that.
My WAH also pays for everything here, although lately he started to demand that I pay half for everything when he found out that I had a job for just 5 weeks, via an agency. I have paid for what I can but I have also now told him that the well is dry. I continue to actively pursue a job so that I can get some financial independence.
With regard to your WAH entering the house, unfortunately, if he is paying the mortgage and/or his name is on the Deeds, then he has every right legally to enter the home. I would perhaps use the 'indiscretion' of your son to get the point across to him that whilst you don't mind him coming in to the home, he should not take things that you have not discussed but that it would be your preference for him to not come whilst you were not there, for your security and safety. If he has chosen another home, that's his choice. For him to stay out of your home is yours. However you get that across, you really do need to although to 'use' your son in that way may actually not be right!! Your son is a man in his own right and how would he like you interferring in his relationships? You need to sit and have a good heart-to-heart with him, I think.
Just incase WAH won't adhere to the request of keeping out of the home, try to get yourself a small electronic safe and put things away - confidential and personal stuff, like bank and credit cards, PIN numbers and jewellery. That will protect you and give you some peace of mind.
Something went missing from our home a few weeks back and I called H calmly to say "just checking on whether or not you have taken X and Y because if not, I have to ring the police and report a burglary". That stopped him in his tracks!!
I'm fairly new here myself and I am struggling with lots of answers. I really just wanted to say hi and to give you some support, whilst encouraging you to journal here each day ... there's a font of knowledge from very experienced DB'ers and they will help you, as they have helped me. I would suggest that you post in NEWCOMERS as you will get more response than this forum. If you don't know how to do that, come back to me and I will guide you.
You are such a 'newbie' and all I can say is don't panic or give up. Are you reading?? DB; DR and 5 Love Languages are all great books to start out with.
Welcome to our forum - most of us are here to save what we can of our marriages and I know that people will pull together to help you. Just let us know what is going on .... there are no guarantees, as everyone will tell you but what my friends have noticed most about me in the three weeks or so that I have been here, is that my self-esteem is rising slowly and that I sound stronger and more positive than I have since my H dropped the bomb late May.
Look forward to catching you soon ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
