Tricked into seperation

[lonelywolf]

Thanks Lfw for the encouragement and kind words.

I'm talking with my lawyer tomorrow. From what I gathered talking to her legal assistant today, unless there's imminent danger of harm, the court will schedule a hearing and I can participate in that.

However, the standards are so loose, that even getting angry with your spouse can be considered abuse if she perceives it as emotionally damaging. So, she'll just have to bring up every argument we ever had, ignore her anger, and claim it was a pattern of emotional abuse.

Her parents have told her the only way to get happy again is make sure I am totally out of her life and the kids lives. Basically, I think just wants the courts to pass a resolution stating I no longer exist, except as an impersonal force that deposits money in her bank account (did I mention she de-listed the bank account from our paypal account and started her own paypal account with it. I'm going to have to change my direct deposit ASAP).

We'll see what the lawyer says tomorrow.

I've also signed up for some DB counseling, because even if the marriage isn't saved, I really need some counseling to make it through this.

[BeginningAgain]

Her parents have told her the only way to get happy again is make sure I am totally out of her life and the kids lives.

Well Mommy and Daddy are going to be disappointed, because unless you have been physically or emotionally abusive (based on facts and not on just heresay) the only one who can remove you from your kids lives is YOU. Do not give up your rights. As you describe your in-laws they seem like arrogant, evil, and manipulating people.

Sorry you are going through this, but in your case specifically you have to be careful with EVERY thing you do and don't do. Keep the scheduled phone calls, don't give them the opportunity to say you haven't made an effort to contact your kids. If I was you, I'd still make plans to get down there to at least visit them on a long weekend. Just to make sure you stay in the picture.

Best of luck.

S4H

[lonelywolf]

Thanks for the support and comments S4H.

Just had my first session with a DB counselor. Amazing. I realized just how I have been doing "affirmation" wrong and that I've been doing exactly what she expects - I'm too defensive in what little communication we do have. He also explained that a lot of her behavior can be explained as a reaction to the good things I've done - he said when my behavior conflicts with the justification she has in her head, she will try to push my buttons in order to provoke a defensive reaction in me. This will then restore her mental equilibrium by showing that I haven't changed.

Even if I don't save the marriage, I will come out of this a better person.

[lonelywolf]

Been out of touch for awhile.

She cut me off after 25 minutes with my son, and didn't let any of the other kids talk (I even heard the next to youngest saying "I wanna talk to him" in the background - she had it on speaker phone).

Well, the conciliation/mediation is in two weeks plus a day or two. We'll see how it goes. I can't pin much on it, though. I just have to hope we can work something out.

Though from hints and odd aside comments she's made, I'm guessing she's going to try to argue that my father's conviction for disorderly conduct (which was "set aside" by the judge) over 12 years ago means that I shouldn't be allowed to have the kids or something.

The fact she even found out about that means she's been trying to find some dirt about me or my parents online, and she's been digging long and hard. Or her parents have.

[Lostforwords]

LW,

I thought the "conciliation/mediation" action was supposed to be a peaceful step towards divorce? It sounds like your wife is not taking a peaceful step...more a delay tactic. I would get with your attorney ASAP and bring up your opinion that it appears your wife is trying to dig up dirt to control the situation. Your attorney may advise another course of action to defend your interest.

From reading your story.....it appears that your wife and her parents just want you gone from the family other than money. I would call that aggressive hostile action and you will need a strong defense to counter that. I have seen many times on here WAS's come up with ridiculous accusations in the courtroom....to be effectively countered with the truth by prepared LBS's. The key word is "prepared" because there is also examples of LBS's not being prepared and getting destroyed in court.

Be prepared....the best offense is a good defense.

[lonelywolf]

Well, I have been keeping a faithful journal and printing out all important e-mails (just in case she decides to hack my e-mail account - I changed the security questions, but who knows?)

I'm not sure what else to do, but my lawyer said what I was doing so far was good.

[Lostforwords]

I would trust your lawyer until they prove otherwise...be strong wolf!

[lonelywolf]

I want to be strong, but ...

Well, mediation was today. Nothing was accomplished - she refused to compromise on a parenting plan. She was willing to allow me a month with the kids at most "to limit the damage you would do to them." She has convinced herself that all of our oldest son's problems were my fault and the fact that he has improved has nothing to do with him getting older, finally having a separate bedroom, or being able to get more sleep due to a later school start time. Nope - it all has to do with my absence (never mind he keeps asking when I'm coming back).

She said she's discussed the divorce in "general terms" with the kids, and they are all fine with it and think its okay (which means she's said very little and the kids are find because they still think I'm coming back at some point).

Anyway, the mediator had to send back to the judge a report that "nothing was decided" because she refused to allow me any right to any custody at all.

[lonelywolf]

I've been so busy lately, I haven't spent much time online.

Got the actual divorce papers this week. She claims in them the separation was my idea and is due to my actions (my lawyer says she claims this in order to get a better deal on the custody, since if it was her idea and due to her actions, I might get a better deal).

Anyway, it was depressing reading. She also accused me of abuse and a host of other things - as my lawyer said, this is fairly common because it will make the court more sympathetic to her.

Well, I have 30 days to file a response. But I have to get a tone of paperwork in order to do it - and I have to work.

Somewhere, and I hate to admit it, a switch was flipped in my brain. I finally became convinced the relationship is over. I'm still DB'ing and GAL'ing and all that and trying to act as if there is still a chance to save things.

But her parents keep telling her that I'm this evil, selfish con artist and that the changes I've made are all lies to trick her into liking me again. And she's with them 24/7.