I have friends like that too - who keep telling me that H is just a jerk and I need to move on. I struggle with that b/c I'm a people pleaser, but I've followed other peoples "advice" for too long (that's part of what got me in this mess in the first place), so I finally just had to say to myself, this is MY marriage and I want to save it. To my firends, I just tell them that they need to be open with me doing this b/c I need to know that I tried everythiing possible to save my marriage (esp when a child is involved).
It's good to hear things are going pretty smoothly. Just keep showing him the woman he fell in love with!
Regarding holidays, try not to worry about what "might" happen. You can only live in the now (my C said there was some book by that title that was supposed to be good on that subject). Obviously don't be naive either, but don't worry about it now, but instead find things that you can do NOW to keep him focused on u, the R, and your family as a whole.
One last note, if H does suffer from clinicial depression, just keep an eye on it cause it can be very cyclical (good for days, weeks, moths at time, then back to depressed mode). Just a heads up (been dealing with H's depression now for 1.5 years now & watching all the ups and downs).
Good luck! Keep us updated!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
BTW - "Stronger" - Thank you for all the great advice thru-out this thread. Even though it was aimed for "Overwhelmed", it really gave me a lot to think about in my own R (especially regarding detaching). Thanks!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
You can only live in the now (my C said there was some book by that title that was supposed to be good on that subject).
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, perhaps?
Originally Posted By: Lucky11too
One last note, if H does suffer from clinicial depression, just keep an eye on it cause it can be very cyclical (good for days, weeks, moths at time, then back to depressed mode). Just a heads up (been dealing with H's depression now for 1.5 years now & watching all the ups and downs).
Whether H is on meds or not, you may want to look into The Ultramind Solution by Mark Hyman. Depression doesn't happen because the brain is deficient in Zoloft or Lexapro or Prozac. Ultramind solution's quizzes (and subsequent blood tests) proved in my case deficiencies in certain amino acids and their affects on certain neurotransmitters. Buying Amino acid supplements worke wonders and are inexpensive, too. Also check out Testosterone levels. Big factor in middle age depression.
Anyway, my $.02 +,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yeah, that sounds like it - have you read it? Worth the read?
Quote:
Whether H is on meds or not, you may want to look into The Ultramind Solution by Mark Hyman. Depression doesn't happen because the brain is deficient in Zoloft or Lexapro or Prozac. Ultramind solution's quizzes (and subsequent blood tests) proved in my case deficiencies in certain amino acids and their affects on certain neurotransmitters. Buying Amino acid supplements worke wonders and are inexpensive, too. Also check out Testosterone levels. Big factor in middle age depression.
Thanks! Great suggestions. H is completely anti-med, so this may be an interesting way to go.
'Overwelmed' - maybe this could be helpful for you too, since you were thinking your H is suffering from depression too. Also still check out www.amenclinics.com. Men seem to be a little more interested in the scientificness (is that a word?) that brain scans give as compared to just the usual meds/pyschotherapy.
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
So things are going really well...seemingly. I still don't feel like anything is actually RESOLVED though. I keep feeling the need to talk about everything that happened, how we got to that place, and how to keep from going there again.
It still pains me to know that the only reason things are going so well is because OW took herself out of the equation...against H's wishes. He still contends that they were only friends. That may be true as far as what transpired between them, but his FEELINGS were obviously way more intense. It was written all over his face, and in the words he used (she's "the ONE bright spot in his life"?!?), and in the number of hours spent online and on the phone.
So where do I go from here? How long do I wait for him to bring it up?
Actually, I think I'll wait and see what, if anything comes up over the holidays. It seems natural to talk about the future when you're looking straight into the new year, does it not?
Well, OW is back. She sent him an email last night apologizing for flaking out on him and cutting off contact. Apparently, she wants it to start again. He hasn't told me about it but I don't think he's replied yet.
And, she's back. I don't know how to deal with a woman who is obsessed with my husband. This is her most recent blog entry...out there, for all the world to see.
The Girl of 1000 Apologies We met in the fourth grade. I wish I could say it was love at first sight, but honestly, I always got you confused with this other guy in our class. Really, we never spoke much back then.
Three years later that would all change. Just by coincidence, we had to get to school early in the morning - you for football, me for band. We sat on the cold stone benches while you waited for the bus and I waited for the building to be unlocked.
As our friendship grew, we got to school earlier and earlier so we could spend time talking and joking around. Then we started talking on the phone too. I remember my dad saying I was too young to have boys calling. For some reason, my mom always liked you though. She never liked anyone, but she liked you.
Through junior high and high school, we were together off and on and we dated others in between. Sometimes we would fight and shun each other for weeks at a time. We both said cruel things, but then we'd always end up back together again. Like my junior year when we hadn't talked in months over some stupid thing, you were right there for me after my ex-boyfriend hit me though, like a soft place to land.
You dated so many girls. So many! Don't deny it! But I loved that you would swing by my house after those dates. We'd pull down the tailgate of your truck and sit for hours in my driveway talking under the cover of a dark sky. The best nights were out at the lake enjoying the solitude away from town and soaking up each others philosophies on life and dreams to get out of that small suffocating town. Those are the nights I will always treasure. They are really the only happy memories I have of that nowhere place.
It was finally graduation time and we chose different colleges. That first semester, we were so good at staying in touch through phone calls and weekend visits. Even though we were both seeing other people here and there, we just got closer and closer.
But, the change and pressure of college got to us both. You coped with alcohol. You skipped classes. And, you drank more. You went to an incredibly dark place where even I couldn't help. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I was scared for you and I was scared for me too because I was so afraid of giving in to the overwhelming desire to fall deeply in love with you. I've never been so scared.
It all reached a boiling point in November though. That weekend visit, you slept in my dorm room bed with me, but we just talked. That was our special thing after all.
But then you broke down and confessed. You were quitting school. You were joining the military. I was devastated that you were going a different direction. I wanted to just grab you by the shoulders and shake you until you changed your mind. But more than anyone else, I knew you and I knew it was futile. This is what you had decided. It was done.
I was terrified for you. How were you going to make it out of that wretched place if you didn't finish college? Would you end up in the Gulf War? Would you die?
And after telling me all that, with all that fear swirling around in my head, you asked me to marry you. You asked me to take that journey with you.
After all we'd been through for all those years, I let you down. I abandoned you. I said no. I was 19, stupid and so very scared.
We stayed friends for about a year after that. But I was cruel. I wanted you to hate me. Every time I saw you, I wanted to give in to my feelings for you and ignore the fear. I wanted you in my life forever, but the fear kept growing and the desire to get out of that town grew even more urgent.
So, I pushed you away in every cruel way imaginable. I guess I thought that if you weren't around or hated me, then the temptation for me to fall into you would go away.
It didn't. It never has.
We stopped speaking. For years, I wrote so many apology letters to you. I never sent them. They sat in a box in my closet sealed and stamped to go in the mail.
During the following years, life happened to both of us. We married other people. Our paths completely diverged for 18 long years.
I thought about you all the time. I worried for you. I longed for you. Most of all, I missed my best friend.
I can't write yet about what happened two summers ago. I finally got my chance to apologize to you and beg your forgiveness for being so cruel. You were so gracious and welcomed me back as your friend as if nothing had happened, as if 18 years hadn't passed.
The timing was terrible though. I still ache thinking about how it all fell apart once more. I wrote you yet another apology letter and actually sent it this time. But, we haven't spoken since.
I don't know if you have forgiven me again. Many days I don't believe I deserve to be forgiven. I feel like there will always be apologies I owe you.
I don't think you know how hard it was for me to ask you to go back, to cut ties with me. There wasn't a single fiber of my being that wanted to push you away. I wanted to grab you and pull you to me and make you mine for once and always. I wanted that. I wanted you.
But sometimes what we want isn't what's right.
I swear to you with all my heart that I truly believed I was doing the very best thing, the right thing for you by pushing you away again. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And, even though it was the right thing to do, the honorable thing even, I regret every single word that did the deed.
I wish for once in my life I hadn't done the right thing. I wish I'd done the selfish thing. I wish I had grabbed you and pulled you away with all my strength. I wish I'd fought for you. But I was a coward once again. I gave way to fear once again. I gave in to being the good girl who doesn't take what she wants regardless of what's right. If I could go back to that summer two years ago to do it all over again, I would never let you go.
Sadly, that's not what happened. I'm here. You're there. And all there is to do now is cherish the time we had and miss you ever single day that passes.
