Some are soon bagged, but some reject three dozen. 'Tis fine to see them scattering refusals And wild dismay o'er every angry cousin (Friends of the party) who begin accusals, Such as - "Unless Miss (Blank) meant to have chosen "Poor Frederick, why did she accord perusals "To his billets? Why waltz with him? Why, I pray, "Look yes last night and yet say no to-day?
Don Juan Canto XII Stanza XXXIV
I would like to ask for some assistance in developing a playbook, an effective solution, in dealing with my wife over the next couple of weeks.
It seems my dear wife did not take well to my 'social interactions.' In fact, I feel that it has 'shook up her world' to realize that ol' Steve was tired of waiting around for nothing. She has exhibited a range of emotions and attitudes towards me over the past few months, ranging from anger and questioning, curosity and confusion to down right persuing behavior recently.
I myself have been enjoying life. I have found that a friend who I have admired for a long time has been admiring me as well. And for those who wish to take notice the chemistry is obvious. Oh the jealously. It seems Mrs McQ is quite upset that the chemistry no longer exists between US. Although, she has done everything she could to destroy it and failed to take notice of that for years. She is now scrambling, trying to do everything from keeping the house spotless, to making sure dinner is made, to coming up with every excuse possible to keep me from finding something else to do in the evening.
The woman who previously decided there was no relationship to work on came up to me one evening last week to talk about our "dysfunctional' relationship. At a time that I felt was not a good time to talk about such matters. LOL.
Anyhow, she is out of town on some work related training this week, and she specifically asked two things of me over the week. 1) not to have my 'buddy' over while she was gone and 2) that when she returns we spend some time talking about our marriage.
Still she has called twice today from the road, and I expect will be calling all week, and I expect will be wanting to talk relationship this weekend.
What do I say? I really dont have a list of demands as such I expect you to be such a way. Other then maybe I hope to soon be bagged three dozen.
Or how do I act? I will admit I am confused at to how to proceed. I havent seen any grand-scale changes in my wife, other than maybe realizing her free-ride may soon be over or that maybe her alternatives had some short comings. IDK. I dont feel like turning around for some gesture of friendship or for some grasp at remaining status quo on her part. I wonder if it is too soon to have her back me into this corner.
So then do nothing. If she asked you to not have your buddy over then don't. That's just the respectful thing to do whether she asked or not. I know you can put yourself in her shoes, you wouldn't want that either, none of us would. So problem one, solved.
Second request....let her talk. Take notes and really say nothing. If she asks questions be honest and say "I can't answer that right now. I don't know what I want." Be vague. Keep her on her toes. She started this, and you can end it, but you need to do it respectfully and without game playing.
If you are done, then I'm with you. If you want to work this out, take it very very slow. If you want to pursue your new buddy, then completely break it off with W.
Hows it feel to have all these balls in your court?
What do I say? I really dont have a list of demands as such I expect you to be such a way. Other then maybe I hope to soon be bagged three dozen.
Or how do I act? I will admit I am confused at to how to proceed. I havent seen any grand-scale changes in my wife, other than maybe realizing her free-ride may soon be over or that maybe her alternatives had some short comings. IDK. I dont feel like turning around for some gesture of friendship or for some grasp at remaining status quo on her part. I wonder if it is too soon to have her back me into this corner.
ALWAYS have a game plan.. ALWAYS...
Yes. Too soon to have you backed into a corner. She NEEDS the crisis. A crisis is what causes us to make changes. She needs to go through one before you can "get backed into the corner" (so to speak)
We need to get you a game plan....
I have found a few things that have been very successful to get the formerly WS turn into the pursuer...
Following is one of your first quotes describing your situation.
Quote:
We have become roommates that bicker over the most ridiculous things, argue over anything important and have both developed two separate lives while trying to raise two children. I honestly feel I have tried everything I can to improve things, unsuccessfully. And I believe there's absolutely nothing I can do because everything I tried hasn't worked.
Ok. What works very well is to take the EXACT SAME THINGS the WS complained about and NOW use them AGAINST staying together...
For example.. If she wants to talk about working things out in your "dysfunctional" relationship (remember to use that AGAINST her later)
You would say to her... "WS, I don't know how I feel right now. As you have said our relationship is dysfunctional and I agree. We have become roommates that bicker over the most ridiculous things, argue over anything important and have both developed two separate lives while trying to raise two children. I honestly feel I have tried everything I can to improve things, unsuccessfully. I just don't know what I want right now"
Get it? She THEN has to CONVINCE YOU why it WOULD work instead of why it can't. You have already told her you are finally convinced that it can't work. You leave her with two options... Agree with your conclusion or disagree..
In other words.. You stay pulling AWAY from working it out and more toward... "I don't know. it isn't working, maybe it will never work, etc. etc. etc.. I don't know HOW I feel anymore" ILYBANSIALWY... (that one really works well)(i love you but am not sure I am in love with you)
Now as it proceeds.... Your social interaction person is "only just good friends".. You are NOT going to give up a good friend (yet.. wait till after your WS proves she will do what it takes to have a mutual loving marriage.. it is your trump card)
Ok.. Another quote that your wife gave you back when she wasn't sure what SHE wanted was...
Quote:
but as for wanting to work on the marriage or recreating a marriage, I get the "we are not the same people we were back then." No $h1t. but what does that mean?
AGAIN.. You NOW use it to work AGAINST herself...
"WS, you know you used to say that "we are not the same people we were awhile back. We aren't. People change. I have changed. We tried. It hasn't been working. We have both changed"
That is the concept.. GET IT?
YOU are the WS. She is the BS..
What worked on you initially is what works on her...
You basically will tell her the same types of things that she was telling your or the things most WS's tell the BS..
You need her to be in a crisis so she will GROW and make changes. Let her have her way too early is risky.
Correct. Working at it hasn't worked for you has it? You will tell her you " already tried to work at it, you two are just too different, you have both changed" etc. and ( quote the things I told you earlier as needed.)
Quote:
Let her realize she has emotionally lost her husband? Then let her do all the work? I am not sure.
She needs to "wonder" if she has lost you emotionally. (not let her wondering wasn't working for you was it?)
Let HER do all the work. You OBSERVE. If she is serious and wants to make your relationship mutual and to work, then she will do the same types of things the BS's who come on this site do. They read, they request counseling, they tell you they are sorry, they say they are making the changes for "me" and not for the relationship, they suddenly start keeping the house clean, don't argue, do the dishes, call you when they say they will and a host of other things. You just can't let her make promises without seeing a time frame of action from her.
Quote:
Would the crisis be better to flee and be chased or give her a roller coaster ride? "Look yes last night and yet say no to-day?
Either one seems to work well. When the WS has the BS convinced or wondering if they want out, the BS's on this site report back that it is a roller coaster either way. There are those that are still living in the same house together.. (Orich, Stuck for examples) and there are those who have had to move out or the WS move out.
The key is to hold back and allow HER to convince YOU why you should give it consideration. Each one of her reasons to work it out are met back with.. "I don't know, it hasn't been working. I did try, but you told me_____(fill in the blank on what she said) I am worried that it will get back to the same old thing between us".. etc. etc..
If she wants to work it out with you, then she should tell you what you want to hear.
My friend is just a friend. She is not part of the equation.
We are "twins." To clear that up.
"I can't answer that right now. I don't know what I want." where does that go? how does that end it? It seems to just leave her hanging.
SMcQ
Which may be a good place for her right now, let her feel what it's like to be hanging, with time slipping by and no answers, I don't want to call it torture but it's definitely not fun and she should know that there were consequences for her previous actions.
