Infidelity

[Deep]

Hi K067, I'm not Sandi or Puppy, but till they come on here, could I offer some words of encouragement?

I think it's great your H is trying, and it appears trying hard. At some point in your sitch, what would you have given for that? Hold onto to that huge positive.

You're in pain, and better posters than I will tell you about detaching. There will be triggers that will set you off, and they may not go away any time soon. It's your choice what to make of that. We all have different thresholds for tolerance and reconciling with difficulties. I would suggest you consider getting individual help with your struggles if it continues eating you alive. Those images may never cease, but you have to look to a future where they don't tear you apart even if you do not like them.

Time. Time will help, so give time time. I can fully understand the pain and thought processes you describe. You have to eventually decide you do WANT to get past this and work out your M. You can, but you have to empower yourself to let go of many things.

Be strong!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

K,

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with this. My advice to you would remain the same: you need counseling from someone who specializes in infidelity. Your strong, visceral reaction to your husband's affair, and the need you will BOTH have to get thru your roles in it, go beyond a telephone DB coach, in my opinion.

Or perhaps Dottie does specialize in that area, I don't know. I think the DB coaching can help YOU, individually, and I do think you need that. But I think an MC who specializes in issues of adultery would be the way to go.

Puppy

[k067]

My H had his first conversation with Dottie tonite and really liked her. I am glad. I will tell you that I am getting very ambivelent about this whole thing. I will talk with Dottie and my H together, but I am making no guarantees that I will get through this. I have really given it a lot of thought and where I am today is really different than where I was even just a month ago. I have lost all of my fears about life. I am no longer afraid to die, or afraid of losing my H, or even afraid of losing a child. I have learned that you can not hold onto anything. There is no assurance that anything in life is sacred, permanent or predictable. Life just goes on no matter what you think about it. There is no importance to anything or really nothing to ever hold onto. Maybe time will help, but I don't see how I will ever get to a great, loving relationship with my H ever again. I gave him the gift of myself and he threw it away for someone else. Most days this is how I feel. some days I want to put it all behind me and be happy that I have my H back. But then I think, who am I kidding? This is not my H. but rather a cheating man who threw away a family, a life and something so special between us for someone else, why am I fighting for this except for my kids? Now he sees that and wants back what he had and I am just supposed to accept that and move on????? Maybe my work here is done.

[Airwolf]

k - I would give anything -- ANYTHING -- for my WAW to be as remorseful, repentant and loving as your H appears to be right now. Granted I don't understand your complete sitch, but it appears he is genuinely trying very very hard to set things right. For the sake of your family, give it time, and try to truly forgive. Just my $0.02.

[k067]

I have been reading several posts and saw a couple that have made me want to come back and keep sharing. I also had a new twist this weekend. My S-18 came right out and asked me if my H cheated on me. I was so caught off guard and wasn't sure what to say so I said, go ask your dad. What a horrible answer. My relationship with my son has always been built on trust and honesty. What is the right thing to do here? Do I tell him yes and then give no details keeping that between my spouse and myself, or do I tell him it is none of his business--which I feel withholding info is more painful that the answer itself, because my H withheld info even though I knew in my heart what was happening. Or do I lie and say no to spare my H relationship with his son?

Also, what is wrong with me that I am still so angry at having to deal with this? I am so angry that I am having to learn techniques to block images in my mind and to block the story I keep telling myself. I keep going back in time and think if I would've done this different or if I would've reached out one more time he wouldn't have strayed. I keep taking it on myself. I went back through all my emails that I sent him over the last year and a half and saw I did reach out to him several times when things started to go bad with his job and he chose not to respond to it. What else could I have done. The reason I want to know is so the past does not repeat itself. I am afraid that my anger and spitting venom will also drive him away, but I am just angry at having to fix myself when he is the one who wrecked me. How do I ever believe in him again? Dottie says it is possible, but I do have to do this work. That just makes me angry because my H gets off with a little bit of guilt but really he got to eat a big fat cake and have me too. WOW!!!

Back to my question, what is the right answer for my adult son? Do I be honest, with hold info or lie?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You tell your son the truth, and ask him if he wants any DETAILS about it, he should go ask his father.

"Yes, he did, son. I'm sorry you have had to hear that, but I won't ever lie to you. Your father loves you, very much, as do I, but yes, he had an affair and that's the reason our marriage has gone thru this. If you want any details about it, I suggest you ask your father. This is NOT your fault."

Puppy

[overwhelmed35]

You tell your son the truth, and ask him if he wants any DETAILS about it, he should go ask his father.

"Yes, he did, son. I'm sorry you have had to hear that, but I won't ever lie to you. Your father loves you, very much, as do I, but yes, he had an affair and that's the reason our marriage has gone thru this. If you want any details about it, I suggest you ask your father. This is NOT your fault."

Puppy

For what it's worth, and that isn't much since I'm no professional counselor or anything, but this sounds like and excellent way to handle it--especially since your son is nearly (albeit legally) an adult.

[k067]

Thank you so much. I did just that and he is taking it very hard as he has always had his dad on a pedistol. He feels everything his dad taught him about honesty, integrity, how to treat women and doing things because it is the right thing to do is all a big lie. I told my H to listen to him without getting angry and validate his feelings. My H is not real happy that he now has to repair the relationship with his son as well. I guess that is part of the collateral damage that he did by his choice to stray. It is all really ugly.

Today, I am going to try and make the choice of happiness. The anger is really getting to me. After reading the postings earlier today about why this forum is here, for support and encouragement, I really liked that and found that to be so true during the last several months. Buyt I realize I have to make the choice to be happy when the anger is no longer working for me. The venom that comes out will only wreck everything I have been fighting for. Also, for my son to see that I am getting through this and he will too.

Thanks to you all for your continued support.

[sandi2]

Hi K, sorry I haven't been around much lately. I was catching up on your thread and it really concerns me how you were feeling. Especially when you were talking as if there was no use in having R's and other things in life b/c we have no promise of ever holding on to that. (Those are not your words.....I should have cut & pasted your post but it was long.) I do hope you will see a professional about this b/c you are certainly affected by everything that happen. The impact it had on you is severe and you need somebody who knows how to guide you to a better place in your life. This is not a healthy way to think. It's not your fault, K, but you need some sense of hope and to go forth and continue. Everything you believed in and worked for seem to collapse and now you can't find any reason to continue looking at life as you once did.

But when you said this.......it got me.

That just makes me angry because my H gets off with a little bit of guilt but really he got to eat a big fat cake and have me too. WOW!!!

I think that is a lot of your problem. You feel that he had his A and got to come back home and pick up where he left off as if nothing ever happened........and the truth is you are pissed b/c he has not had to suffer enough.

Well, to tell you the truth.....I got that impression myself. It did seem that he got off pretty easy. But, then I have to look at my own stitch. From an outsider..it may appear that I got off very easy. Compared to a lot of things that "could" have happened...yes, I did. But, I have gone though my own issues, and I suspect your H has too.

You said he gets off with a little bit of guilt. He seemed very remorseful and wanted to do whatever it took to make things right again. What do you want to happen to him, K? If you had the power, what you make happen to him? What else could he say that would make things better? What could he do? Nothing.....and that's the problem. You feel he ruined your fairy tale life and now you can't get it back. You see it as being tarnished and you can't get over that. You are angry at him for ruining what was special. Don't you think that he feels that also? He knows how you feel and all of that is cast at his feet, so that pretty much adds to that littl bit of guilt.

You can still have a wonderful MR if you want to badly enough. But, you do need guidance. I hope you will get it, b/c that little bit of guilt you say your H has.....may get the best of him and he'll give up. In order for him to survive what he did to you, the M, his family.....he has to see some signs of hope. The entire family needs to see that. I'm not implying that it is all on you. Everyone has to do their own personal work...and if it is more than they can handle, then it's time to call in the professionals.