Tired of the game

[mishka422]

Right on sister!!!!

You are so many things, but pathetic is NOT one of them!

Strong, courageous, beautiful, young, intelligent, brilliant, spunky....all of those words come to mind when I think of you. Definitely NOT pathetic!

Who is pathetic? Um....not to be ugly....but your H. Heck, all of our WAS's are pathetic. What kind of person does that to another person? A person they claimed to love and respect. It's sickening and can truly destroy someone's faith in R's. Heck, I know I won't trust anyone again as long as I live with something as important as my heart and soul but I'm much older than you. You have time to find that humanity again. Time to consider your choices and be the strong, wonderful woman you are!!!!! Enjoy it! Savor it!!!! Whatever you do.......DON'T WASTE IT WONDERING ABOUT THE THINKING AND DOING OF A MAN WHO HAS SUCH LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOU THAT HE WOULD DO THIS TO YOU!

There is a word used for men whose wives openly have affairs...they are cuckolded. What is the word for a woman that does the same? Would we want to be defined that way? NO!

Chin up Julia! I'm looking so forward to your descriptions of your fencing class. It fascinates me! Not too shabby either getting to poke a handsome bloke with a pointy stick either!

[kat727]

Not too shabby either getting to poke a handsome bloke with a pointy stick either! - Mishka

About time we get to become the "poker" don't you think? LOL

kat

[mishka422]

Yea....we bring our own equipment too!

[dolphin_05]

Yep, I've read all the posts and I'm there with you all. Reading your thoughts on our WAS really identified for me how pathetic and cruel my H has been and no matter what excuses I provide he's not even close to being good enough for me without a whole lot of work on his part. Until I see it, he's not part of my future and I do need to move on. I too am pathetic for letting him walk all over me. It's extraordinary the hold he has over me. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way and nor would I let my family or friends tolerate this behaviour. Your words are so empowering ladies and Julia I am in awe of your extraordinary insight. More power to us all. We all deserve better!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,

You said he has never mentioned ow... so why dont you then? Why dont you stop DBing and just be honest.. lay your cards on the table, or stop colluding with him on the facade he maintains? In a way, that IS DBing, because its in the category, do something different.. Remember the convo I had with my bf in April? I said to him, first time ever... ok, I know you are with Helen now and if you love her and are happy and intend to stay with her, then I will accept that, but I still love you and think we can sort this out, but if you only want to be friends with me, then I will be your friend for life, but you have to let me know which it is. He then cried alot and said, you are right.. I need to man up and make a decision. Which he then did do.

I dont know if your H would have that reaction, but at least you would know and you would know you had done all you could?

Al xxx

[JCJ]

Al, you know though I am thinking just enough is enough. Why put myself through the emotional ringer? Is it better for me to just cut it/ him/ the whole experience from my life and move on.

Cas, it is that realisation part isn't it. There is no way that I would put up with any of this crap from anyone else but with him I seem to have some untold ability to torture myself.

(((Mishka))) thank you so much, your post brought tears to my eyes. That was such a lovely compliment. I really heard you when you said about wasting my time wondering about him.

I think the thing I worry about in the future is that now I have identified my faults (I can be high maintenance with men as I am not the demure sort!), if I am myself in the future will I push the next person away? I have read all the relationship books and the stuff you are and are not supposed to do and I have this paranoia that I will find a new relationship and I will be blindly going along and the same thing may happen again. Or I won't be blind and I will spend too much time looking for signs. I don't know if I could go through it again. I have an abject abhorrence of failure. I think that is my fear.

Kat and Mishka, fencing is so much fun although I am having trouble sitting down and standing up as my thigh muscles are killing me. I have to say, I don't think I am a natural fencer but I will work as it because I don't want to be crap . You have to wear these boob protectors under your suit and during my last lesson we had to practice 'thrusting' which was basically poking each other with the foils and the guy I was fencing with was embarrassed as he didn't know where to poke me so he kept getting my armpit which was quite painful. As I was wincing the woman next to me said to me in a really loud voice 'you are wearing the boob protectors aren't you!' and me and the bloke and the two blokes next to us ended up crying with laughter.

MsM, I will be that cool girl whatever life throws at me. My vow from this experience is that whatever life throws at me in the future I will never go back to the mess I was when h first left.

Nell, it was a long time before I saw the cowardice or acknowledged it. The key is to keep your dignity. I think that is so important for me anyway. It is the thing I think about before I act. 'Am I acting with dignity?'

[mishka422]

if I am myself in the future will I push the next person away?

Bingo! Exactly my thoughts. After reading all of these crazy R books I've decided that I'm just not cut out to be in one. I am my own person and I won't live FOR someone else again. Pussyfooting around trying to make sure that they are always taken care of even to my own detriment will never happen again.

Boob protectors???? And they actually call them that? ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! Priceless!

[transformer]

re: "if I am myself in the future, will I push the next person away?"

I think there is no alternative to being yourself with the next person.

I think Passionate Marriage covers this: the intimacy of marriage forces us to confront whatever needs to grow and be polished. Whether or not those crises brings the relationship to an end or push the relationship into the next level of growth is the question.

[Kalni]

Julia,
I think what most of us will be facing in the future will be the fact that we are now "aware of our surroundings" and the next person may not be as much as we are. But I think the lessons learnt are priceless and there is no absolute way, that they will be lost. Have faith in you and the growing process you had to face. Your life is ahead of you and "true love finds it's way in our hearts thru the cracks...".
xxx
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,
I wouldnt advocate doing anything, if you feel you have had enough! Have you considered starting D proceedings and just quietly going ahead with that? Noone would blame you, seeing as he is living with another woman now.

As for the next guy.. I've lived with 3 and in my experience, the R was COMPLETELY different with all three and so was I really..(but then maybe thats because I am a chameleon Piscean!), no two R's are the same and like K says, you will be bringing valuable insight to a new R.

One thing I would say though, I used to thikn I was right, always right, to be myself.. but I now have learnt its ok to bend a little, or modify some of my less desirable taits (laziness, lying in bed all morning, being too clever for me own good etc).. in order to sustain a healthy R and that its more loving to do that. So if you know you are maybe too high maintenance...consider toning that down a little next time around !??

Al xxx