Maybe some of you will remember me, I havent been on for a long time now. But I am in desperate need of some advice. My H and I have been back together now for 3 yrs. I have had some doubt about his honesty and I have question him many times. He left me 3 yrs ago and after we got beck together I found out it was because of a 21 yr old co-worker (he at the time was 41) I contacted her and she said it was one sided and that she was even frightened of him and almost got a restraining order against him. He lost his job and to make a long story short...I stayed with him, he is in college now, he doesnt work I work for our family and I have found that he looked up a young girl from his school on line he told me a story that of course I believed again. this was 2 yrs ago. Now I found today that the has been on the internet looking at sick porn...moms teaching their daughters sex etc...he is at school right now but will be home soon...should I leave him????????? I dont know what to do..Please help!
H will be home soon, and I will have to deal with this soon. I am very hurt and PMA im afraid I just don't have any right now. I again feel so betrayed. I so wish that one of u would of come on and gave me some of ur great advice and comfort. I honestly don't know when to say that enough is enough. I am so tired of being lied to and giving my all in this M. The girl that he had the EA with said in her e-mail to me that he is a con and a minipulater...I am truely beginning to believe that he is. He just told me yesterday when he droped me off of work (right before he went on the internet looking at porn) that he " would never do anything to hurt the love that I have for him"....what a bunch of crap! I just don't understand how a person can confess their undying love to someone and than go and hurt them so badly??????
I have so many emotions running around in me again...not to mention my anxiety that I have had sense this all began 3 yrs ago. I really thought I had made boundries clear to him....I guess he just doesn't care!
I am not good at this but know what if feels like when you come here looking for help and nobody is around. I would ask him about the internet. Let him know it offends you. He may not realize it... Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Ya I did ask him and he denied it at first, but finally admitted to me that he did it. He promised to never do it again and he did seem very ashamed. I put my PMA back on and going to go forward. I realized how much I have been sooooo insecure and again I have to get back on track.
Take it from a guy whose wife says she was hurt from something that happened 12 yrs ago that I never knew it bothered her. YOU need to let us dumb Azz guys know what's on your mind sometimes. As for denying it at first... I can see that happening. Most guys that look at porn. (Including me) are NOT proud of it. However now that you have brought it up and stated how you feel...if he does not have a real problem with porn than it should stop. Take care lady
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Now that you are a bit out of crisis mode, step back a little. What exactly about H looking at porn bothered you?
Was it that it was secret? The particular content or would any porn have been a problem? Is it that your sex life is empty and he has this private sex life?
Really dig deep down. How exactly did it make you feel? Angry? Sad? Disgusted? What about it exactly connects to various feelings?
I think that putting a 100% ban on porn is setting you both up for failure. Pretty much all men masturbate to porn. Why do you want to make H giving that up a litmus test for your M?
You are better off getting much more specific about the problem and then looking at more creative and less controlling solutions.
FWIW, the secret world of porn thing was a huge problem in my XM when I discovered XH's involvement in porn and phone sex. I can understand if you feel the world has shifted, and in a bad way. Anyway, we stayed M for almost another 10 years, but neither of us dealt with the real problems around the porn in a useful way. It kept us stuck. If you can let go of the drama and the oh-what-a-deep-betrayal position, you will be much better off in terms of moving forward and finding some kind of honesty in your M in which neither party has to be suppressed/repressed sexually.
Porn to me is a form of cheating, our sex life is awesome sense we got back together...I have made sure in the last 3 yrs that I am always available to him in every way! I do everything sexually that he wants...we have sex daily even some times more. Another problem is yes, he kept it a secret when we promised that there would be no more secrets.
H told me that he was just checking it out, I told him I believe him and that he should of told me about it and I would of been more understanding. If you would read my stiches from before you would see that he has lied to me alot; especially about the young girl. The bottom line is that he pretty much has the controlnow and it is mostly his way.
Wow, it's great to hear from you again - although I wish it was not due to problems.
OT is right, men pretty much all look at porn from time to time. And yeah, some of it can be pretty raunchy - if it helps, try to view this in terms of 'dirty fantasizing' rather than something that H would actually go around doing in person.
OK, so let's take it as a given that porn is a part of life for men (it doesn't have to be a BIG part, remember). With that in mind, here's the important question: How are you and H doing otherwise?
If you hadn't been upset by this, would you have said that your M was doing better these days? Is there intimacy and caring between you and H? In that case, the porn is something H does IN ADDITION TO a healthy physical relationship with you.
OR, are things not going well in the sex life of your M - in which case, the porn is something H does IN STEAD of a healthy physical relationship with you.
Even in the second case, that does NOT necessarily mean that H prefers porn to you - please don't jump to that conclusion. But if the rest of the R is not going well, sometimes we take what we can get, if you follow my meaning.
So tell us more about how you are, and how your relationship is these days - it has been a long time since we heard from you. I really hope you are doing well overall, and this is just a small bump in the road.
(((HUGS!!!)))
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I MISS U! Yeah, it has been pretty good, and yes I am sure it is my insecurities...we did have a good talk about it and I put my PMA on and I promised him I would never bring it up again. He seemed happy with that just because I think he really felt ashamed that either I found it or that he really thought it to be discusting as he put it. Our sex life actually has been really great along with everything else. I am still a bit non-trusting and he and I discussed that the same time about the porn. I promised him that I would start working on me again (esteem issues) and he seemed really pleased, and we actually act like teenagers in love...I guess that is why I was so shocked to see that on the computer...
Thanks soooo much for lifting me up Rob...I really miss coming here...hopefully I can try to come on more often..
What if you masturbated after reading a bodice-ripper, would that be cheating?
You can't have it both ways -- the problem isn't what he did, it is that it was secret AND the problem is what he did. So, which is it?
If you are going to allow H space to use porn, how is this going to work for you when you consider his use of porn to be cheating?
Would you like to watch porn yourself, either with H or alone?
What prevents you from enjoying porn? Are you afraid of enjoying porn?
Do you really want your H to feel bad about having kinky fantasies and disgusting for masturbating? That isn't going to make him feel very good in general...
Are you afraid of being OK with porn and enjoying it with H?
