My wife is a WAW. She also has a male EA - who she sees more of than the kids.
Am I allowed the same support. An old female friend has been in touch via Facebook, and is very keen like to meet up for coffee and hugs, (I have her mbl no and a time today when she is free), - she has just come out of a 2yr relationship that had marriage on the cards, but 3 months ago it fell apart.
I want so much to feel the arms of someone around me, and I ache for some company and to get out of the house. This meeting with her is exciting me and I am pretty sure it would lead to a PA.
What is the advice? Has anyone done this? I need some feedback from someone who has done this and what was the result.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Yes I am still looking for suggestions. I did get in contact and we had a 3hr heart to heart. We both confided in each other, and I must say that it did lighten the load a little. The WAW came round that night to pick up the kids and she was in dark mood, and no opportunity arose to tell her about my old friend coming around to talk. Well it transpired that the kids told her all about her. I knew that they would.
Next day me and the WAW meet up over school stuff - parents day -at the school. To everyone else she projected we were the perfect couple, but between us it was the opposite.
We go home, lots of small talk, but now we are in the company of the kids, s9 & s7, so still no time to talk.
When we were eventually alone to talk she asked straight out how was such & such (the old friend). And then she flew off on one. 'How dare you talk to her she's my friend' 'How dare you confide in her' 'She moved in quickly when she found out I was gone'
But the problem statement was 'why did I find out from the kids? It should have been from you'
It was with this last statement that the tears come flooding out of my WAW, and she kept saying that she'd done everything to get through to me and save the marriage' - classic WAW statement.
I back slid in the next hr and texted her with 'When was I supposed to tell you about ****, at the only time we were alone you asked straight out.'
No reply - but I expected this.
The next day she texted me twice - I have had no texts from my WAW for over a week. The texts were about the kids.
Now yesterday my old friend came around and we spoke some more, and as I had arranged to go to a firework display on this Saturday, my old friend asked if she could come if she was'nt working. I said yes and so did my boys with glee.
I have since texted my WAW to say - 'so you dont hear it from the boys first. ***** was here today, and my be going to see the fireworks on Saturday in ***********.' No reply.
Now my WAW has not spoken to me or the boys since 3pm on Friday, and will only next see the boys and me on Monday 7.30pm.
How can any woman go this long w/o speaking to her kids? I couldnt.
Does anyone have any experience in this sort of sitch.
I have followed the WAW 'rules' - no contact ect. There has been no change in 4 wks of her behavior. Could I have been going down a cheeseless tunnel?
This contact with and old friend, could it be the shake my WAW needs, or is it a step too far in the wrong direction. This contact with my old friend will not become a PA - neither of us is looking for this at all, we just enjoy each others company.
Up until those 2 texts I received in one day, my WAW has made no effort to contact me or the kids.
I truly can not believe how selfish my WAW has become. I also believe that she is riddled with guilt and shame at how she is treating me and my boys.
I am so angry, but also racked in apprehension because I have connected to an old friend and I have some serious self doubt if it was a good move in helping to reconcile our marriage.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
The best way to deal with this is to plan on a minimum of 30 days no contact. Do not call, do not text, in fact, avoid all contact not associated with your children. And if you can avoid that all the better. Move on with your life with the expectation that you will not reconcile.
Move on with your life with no desire to reconcile. She has done too many bad things that are not worthy of your love and attention. She has lost you and you are now free to do all the things you did when you were single that you had given up to be married to her. And with that go out and have the time of your life. Live it up. Take up rugby. Buy a sports car. Start dating people. You will probably be amazed how quickly her divorced friends move in for the kill when they find out she is gone.
If she asks you about it, what business is it of hers what you do with your life? These are just friends, right? Respond with a blank confused look. If she asks anything, 'sorry I gotta go, I was just running out the door.' Any communication is the potential for her starting a relationship talk. She will probably only try to convince you how much she has changed and what she is willing to do to save the marriage or worse ask you to try marriage counselling. Too late, correct? Avoid all communication if possible.
You have the correct attitude right? That I have done everything to get through to you and save the marriage. You are impossible. This isn't working. I'm not sure I want to be married to you any longer. I care about you as the mother of our children but I'm not in love with you any more. In fact, I would go as far as when she actually able to track you down ask for a 3 month trial seperation to sort things out. Then one week into it tell her you are not in love with her and I think we should get divorced.
Thats a start. But first, lose the concern "I also believe that she is riddled with guilt and shame at how she is treating me and my boys." Who cares. These are things they try and make you think to win you back.
This meeting with her is exciting me and I am pretty sure it would lead to a PA.
What is the advice? Has anyone done this?
Yes.
I have. I slept with two other women during the time my W and I were separated. I also flew to the other side of the world to where we were at the time, ceased all contact with her and tried to rebuild my life.
My WAW utterly hated the fact that I had "moved on so quickly" and wasn't "mourning her enough". This was after she had moved out and into OM's house. I said to her softly over the phone "W, I mean this with the greatest of respect but your position is hypocritical beyond belief. I didn't want you to go, but you did", to which she replied "I know".
I asked her "Why would you give a ***k?" and told her she had given up the right to have any influence over my life the day she gave her heart and her genitals to another man.
I meant every word of it.
The way I see it is this. If your W has made her own decision to wipe her butt with your marriage covenant, do whatever you want. Correct whatever was wrong in your marriage and implement your 180s. Do it consistently and do it for you, otherwise she will accurately see it as a manipulative ploy to "win her back". You must change. You cannot experience this pain which was occasioned as a result of your choices during the marriage and not make some permanent changes to your life so that you never experience it again.
I wish you the best.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I think there is good advice here. I read what some other guys are posting about staying 'true' to their marriages when the WAW has left for an affair partner. And then I think about what a wuss I was when we separated the first time, and how unnecessary it was for me to hold myself up to some standard that she didn't.
So yeah, date. Do whatever you want to do. You don't owe her any explanation. I would caution, tho, that you don't involve the kids. Personally, I have a policy that my kids NEVER meet any woman I'm dating. I'm a ken doll, as far as they are concerned.
The change does have to come from you. You can't fake it.
Also, just to mentally prepare you, I'd assume the EA is a PA from my personal experience. They all lie about this. Assume the worst. It's better for you in the long run. And I've found it's always as bad or worse than you think.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
I must disagree with the above. I slept with someone a few months after h left (he was VERY involved with an ow at the time). I wanted to feel good. I felt I had the "right" to do so. First off, it felt awful. I cried (alone in this guy's bathroom) after, and cried all the way home. I realized that I wasn't doing it to GAL or whatever, it was a band-aid. Pure and simple. Don't be fooled into thinking you can "date" when you are obviously still emotionally attached to your waw. You ARE or you wouldnn't be posting on this board. Do the 180's, GAL stuff, but FOR YOU and YOU only. Adding other people into the mix isn't going to solve anything and honestly it isn't fair to the other person (the person you are dating/sleeping with) because in truth, your heart will never be into it if you are still thinking about your spouse.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I am not a proponent of dating whilst separated. I had two one night stands and like Sparks, was upset afterwards. Hollow in fact.
What I am saying is that your W has abolsutely no right at all to protest if she has gone from the marriage and even less if she herself is lying, cheating, being abusive etc.
Before doing it, ensure that you're ready.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
I want to clarify my position: Like GH31 said, your exW doesn't have a right to protest. For me, I self-imposed some rules on myself thinking I was upholding some higher standard. That's what I wish I hadn't done. Now I was nowhere ready to date and it wouldn't have changed my behavior, but I would have taken some pressure off myself to be a "good" person.
The other part of this is that needy people tend to lie in order to get needs met (feign availability, express they are over it, when they aren't to a romantic prospect). Doing that to another person in order to get affection/sex/etc is cruel. You got to be honest about where you're at.
And, again, you especially don't want to involve your kids.
PS: GH31 - I had my one and only 1 night stand and found it cathartic in a way. It wasn't a particularly fulfilling experience, but it helped me get past something. I haven't had a desire to do it again since.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
