Hello Kunstler, allow me to say that I admire the fact that you are working hard to seek answers to resolve the relationship that you are in which has a profound impact on the lives of two children. Regardless of the manner in which your relationship started, the fact remains that you want make better choices now than you have in the past and that should be lauded. I want to speak to one quote from your original post:
[quote=kunstler] But she is not like the women in this book. She used to love sex, had lots of it. Now she doesn't, not often. She doesn't like that it is so important to me. She says she feels suffocated. She likes it to be just fun and not serious or about being in a relationship. She used to have sex with people she didn't like. She doesn't like talking about feelings. "Don't call it making love. It's f*cking."
It is possible that your partner experienced some trauma early in life which led to her struggle to connect sexually in a deeply emotional way. Perhaps she is more comfortable with a purely physical connection because it makes her feel safe. When she begins to invest emotionally, this triggers fear. Since I don't know the specifics of your situation, I cannot say this with certainty. However, if this is the case, then I would urge you to treat her with tremendous compassion.
There is a second possibility. Sometimes, as couples become closer over time and build history together, one partner can feel that the raw passion the couple originally felt together gives way to a more lukewarm passion. Oftentimes, this is supported by genuine love and affection, but is rather passionless. Oftentimes, these couples will verbalize their internal conflict as the difference between "making love" and "f*cking". The one partner relishes in the emotional connection (making love), but longs for the days of raw passion (f*cking).
In his book, The Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch does a brilliant job of talking about the need for both. In particular, his chapter, F*cking, Doing and Being Done, is very insightful. I will forewarn you, his book is a bit on the intellectual side (I suspect it was targeted more at therapists than the everyday person) but it is definitely worth a read. Perhaps the two of you can read it together and discuss your perspectives on what Dr. Schnarch has to say.
Uh . . . OK. I know I'm not clear on what you're asking for. I'd start by following any reading recommendations; not only might one of those books help you, but they might also lead you to other resources that work for you.
As far as advice . . . I don't have a lot. I don't know what to tell anyone about turning an affair into a long-term relationship or a marriage, and I don't know how to deal with a miscarriage. I can give you ideas but no one can tell you what will work.
