I have read so much stuff over the past few weeks, and communicated with a LOT of people (friends, ex-MLCers, forums, mentors, etc) for guidance and advice. The range of advice is simply mind-boggling.
The dilemma: If the MLC spouse is having an EA/PA, one camp follows the tough love rule (Christine Schapp, et al) where the LBS should give the MLCer the choice of the marriage or the OW/OM, but the MLC cannot have both. Another camp seems to take the position of don't let it phase you (Michelle Weiner-Davis's DB book, chapter on midlife) and continue on with life (seemingly a "see no evil, hear no evil" approach). Yet another camp advocates to just simply openly allow the EA/PA (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/surv_midlife.htm?p=1) to happen but don't let it intrude on the family (seemingly a "I know it's going on, just don't do it in front of me" approach).
Advice and experience from many people, on all of the forums, and via private mail, also suggests that there are lots of divergent views as well. The issue with advice is that the advice giver, as well-meaning and helpful as they are, also have their own views and biases on how things should be done; rightfully so given their experience. Some have been down that hard path that they side with the tough love camp, while others had the experience of patience to wait it out and let the EA/PA burn itself out.
The question: Given the wide range of advice, approaches, adviser experiences & opinions, and already-known outcomes (that are both successes and failures using all three approaches), how does any LBS know which path to take? Are there additional considerations about the three approaches that an LBS can understand to help decide which approach to take? Or does all roads lead to divorce eventually?
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
The issue with advice is that the advice giver, as well-meaning and helpful as they are, also have their own views and biases on how things should be done; rightfully so given their experience.
Or wrongly. : )
I am glad that you realize this about the advice and posters. You can almost tell how things have worked out based upon someones advice.
Quote:
Or does all roads lead to divorce eventually?
That's pessimistic. What would the point be of being here?
First: Not just no, but FCUK NO!
Look 71, if you have 1 chance in a million of saving your marriage which number would you be? And what does your choice say about YOU and your commitment to your spouse and marriage?
Oh well...those odds are too high...best get a laywer?
All road lead to death eventually...that I'll agree with. The path between birth and grave are filled with long-shots and sure things.
In MLC affairs happen, rare is the MLCer that doesn't have one. "My wife would never do that to me." uh huh. No ones spouse would...but they did. They MLC sure has hell did.
Personal view about revealing the knowledge. Yes, I believe the LBS should...but only when the LBS has CONTROL of their emotions and logic.
"Either the OP goes or I do!" doesn't really work well in MLC land. Ultimatiums tend to go the way you don't want them too around about these parts. Your spouse will be packing bags thinking, "That was easy."
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/02/0904:14 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yes there are many schools of thought on it. Which is the right option? Only the LBS knows what the right choice is for them.
You could ignore the affair, not feel right about it and watch your selfesteem go down the toilet.
You could give the ultimatum, but you better be ready for either outcome.
Or you could let it play out, taking care of yourself in the meantime, maybe end up with a better marriage, maybe not but you will hopefully be in a better place with yourself.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Added clarification: This question is really for all of the new LBSs out there who, like me, discovered that there are a lot of opinions & stories that must be sorted through. I'm asking this as a general question to help the new LBSs sort through all of the info. In my situation, I have already pushed for the divorce to start; I'm not sitting back waiting.
Excellent replies and advice all around. Again, so many views. Thank you.
Hi sorry you find yourself here MY opinion is (from my experience) and I am not a sucess story as MY xh M OW is I dont think It matters which way you go some of us have really tried all these techniques maybe in different order with the same results-- no restoration In the begining its important to try something..stick with it The DB counselor said to me Does that technique seem to be working to make the situation worse or better If better continue if worse try another so IN the begining I tried the letting go approach I supported H I was affirming validaing kind this definitwely opoened the door for a positive and closer interaction b/c H felt safe But he still chose OW over me this went on for probably 1.5 years he moved out and visited 4 time week hung out here we talked a lot but he never came back after time I tried other techniques I became no contact which made the R distant nothing worked for me but now in the end he M OW we rarely talk we work together I have totally let him go but im open for a friendship..but he doesnt seem to be able to stay consistant enough for a friendship I am still cordial and validating when appropriate but much more confrontive especially about financial stuff and our business together make suer youe fianances are in order b/c if to much focus is on saving M or getting H back, we LBD ca get screwwed fianancially bu these WAS they spend it all on OW they sre not the same and some will never return to normal..or the man we once M Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'm asking this advice once I realized that new LBSs will encounter the same issue that I found - so many approaches, which one applies to the particular situation situation, why, and what the consequence of that path will bring. I wanted to start this thread so that we can capture a higher level of direction/guidance for the new LBS.
For me, I'm only into this 10 wks and have decided that we must go to the D route because our M is slowly dying. I think my MLC W deep down doesn't want it, but until I change the situation, nothing will change and she will continue her cake-eating. In the short-term, it will tell me if she really wants the M or wants out. If she wants out, then we simply end the pain faster for all of us. Reconciliation can come in 2-5 yrs from now, if it comes at all, as far as I'm concerned. I'm at peace with my decision to push for the D. Filing of paperwork is this week.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-17-2009
Last edited by 71potc; 10/04/0906:46 AM.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
MY xh was very clear in the beginning he didnt want D it took him 1.5 years of OW and cake eating to file He was scared to really cut the ties in beginning SO maybe the approach is worth a try they can see from the start that if they leave the R is over and they need to create a new life that may work or not no wavering my xh had it a;; for a long time and that didnt work for me tough love it may not work but you seem like you want to move ahead and youy have a point about feeling the pain getting on with it but the healing process is long and will take the LBS 1-2plus years either way my opinion peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
