There is a heavy weight on my heart as I come back to this place where I poured out so much of my rage, frustration and pain.
To save you the hassle of going through my old posts my situation is as follows:
- Feb 2007 She dropped bomb, I moved out but she was always around in my life/apartment etc. We had three boys and she was desperate for a girl. - During 2007 she started a relationship with another man and during this year got pregnant with a daughter who she led me to believe was mine because she was intimate with me once during that period. - Late 07 she separated form OM and agreed we should "give it a try again" (note I was on cloud 9 until she said baby was not mine) - Non the less I moved back in with here to try to make it work. - After our beautiful daughter was born in May 08 (she is mine regardless of what anyone says) my wife did not seem to want to try, did not want to get counseling etc so this time I moved out of my own choice (boy was she pissed) for 6 months. - After 6 months in Feb 09 we agreed to move back and live in separate apartments (we own a duplex) to make it easy raising the 4 kids together as they are hard work. - I have been real fortunate because i have had the chance to develop a really loving relationship with my daughter which I could not haev done if I was living elsewhere. - My wife carries her own emotional baggage and in 09 I committed to help her personally by using some of my business skills to help here set up her own business and help provide for the family. it is moving along nicely and we both contribute to it well I think as a team. - However I freely admit I fell back into controlling habits as she continued to receive calls from the OM and I am sure on some nights when she says she is going out to "get space" I am pretty sure she is meeting with him although she denies it. I'd do all of the controlling things like getting moody when she took his calls etc..I know it and by doing so I strengthened his hand.
I have always maintained to her that i want a reconciliation but she continues to say we are separated and does not want to get back together. And yet we are traveling together with kids for work and holidays soon.
So what to do? When I made the decision to help her and her business to help improve her self esteem I knew it would be a long journey but I really feel no matter how long I stay at it she will not come around.
I have used this terrible painful time in my life to take concerted action to try to improve myself, to understand myself and improve my interactions with others and to offload my baggage but she continues to carry her problems on her shoulders.
I'm tired of the struggle..I love this woman dearly and would just break down in tears if she were to simply hug me. We have a wonderful family of 4 beautiful children together and for all intents and purposes are a pretty good team....
We are simply not a team though and when i accidentally reach out to her to show her some friendly affection (my language of love) she cringes and pulls back..its like a knife to the heart.
I'm craving intimacy (not just sex) but hugs and kisses but I'm kinda tired of the drama.
What to do? I do need to withdraw and stop the controlling crap I know but I'd appreciate any perspective because most people think my sitch is crazy when i tell them.
My situation is similiar to yours except for the young kids. If you read my post, you will see that my wife has continued to rebel, pull away or what ever you want to call it. She will not kiss me, hasn't unsolicetedly touched me or even said I look nice in at least four years. I went to the bar a couple of times when she didn't come home when she said she would (after waiting 4 hours) to see what she was up to and found her flirting, I have had her butt bump a guy at a bar in front of me who butted her first, I didn't even get mad, when she told me about the affair. I don't know what to say, as I am trying to figure out whether to continue or to get a divorce. Your situation is harder than mine, due to the ages of your kids. I think I still love her and always wanted to stay married to her, till death, but likewise it would be very emotional if she actually treated me with even a small dose of intimacy. I know it takes two to make anything work, and if one doesn't want to work, you can't control the other. I am starting to think it comes down to what a person is willing to live with. Each situation is different and I think I am on here trying to make up my mind, maybe vent my feelings and frustrations, so I can think more clearly. I really feel for you as with kids, and especially a father who wants to be a dad, divorce will make it extremely hard to be the dad you want. However that being said, if she isn't truly interested in making it work, she can pull out anytime, and you will be forced to divorce. I can live like her brother and neither one of us will have what we truly wanted, but she can do that, and I only got married to have a soul partner who I could love and work for and to help her and take care of her. I don't know anymore why she got married, she won't say. Sorry I am not helping here, but at least you know there is someone else out there, likewise I do.
Ed, buddy you need to get yourself out of that situation. You're being used as security blanket, and you've convinced yourself it's somehow okay that you help her and she continues to talk with OM while ignoring you.
Sorry bud, but you're being a wuss. And the cost is a lack of respect from her, and self-inflicted internal emotional trauma.
However I freely admit I fell back into controlling habits as she continued to receive calls from the OM and I am sure on some nights when she says she is going out to "get space" I am pretty sure she is meeting with him although she denies it. I'd do all of the controlling things like getting moody when she took his calls etc..
This is a boundary issue and requires some firm clarification by you. It's not controlling that you're hurt when she talks to the OM, it's NORMAL. It's either you or him, no exceptions.
Infidelity is a brutalizing experience. I'd encourage you stand up for your own needs and get some distance from this soul-destroying experience.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Ahh fellas, I feel for us all. I'm actually less emotional about things now...3 years down the track.
I do appreciate both your advice and feedback. Yes Seeking Sanity, I understand your POV and am making efforts to separate and focus on myself and concentrate on my business and my kids.
Isn't it amazing...I bet none of us expected to be here during the heady days of our relationships. Non the less we're here and just have to navigate out of it.
Sanity your footer says it all. "What are any of us still open to making it work?" I guess the trick is not being a doormat yet letting them know the door is open...at least for a while.
The trick is to be aware of the mistakes you make, but also be aware that there comes a time your EW needs to look at you and say Hell I have quite the guy here. If she does not then you are just pouring your emotions down a whole. Part of DBing is keeping a positive mental outlook. If you EW is the thing that’s bringing you down. Then separate from her. Let her feel the loss of you. Otherwise as stated above you are just a security blankets she is using (but not appreciating) until the new blanked comes.
This is all easy to type and very hard to. Hell my W was with an OM and I was paying bills and doing nice thing right up until she moved out of the state. I was trying to say " LOOK< OVER HERE> IM A GOOD MAN AND I HAVE LISTEND TO YOU> GIVE ME A CHANCH" the problem is while an OM is in her life...she is giving no chances because she does not have to. There is some one else there who can satisfy what she wants form a relationship...and what he lacks you supply. Best of both world s for her and a loosing sich for you. I feel your pain my friend I truly do. My W has been gone for almost two years with our D being final as of 6 months ago. I still love her very much, but unlike the people on this board she was not ready to make an M work. and while you can work on YOU alone...you cant touch her without her opening a door no matter how many keys you try.
