So, it seems it may be time to leave Newcomers, though I really dislike the title of this forum...sounds so much like the title of a B movie...anyway, I think this is the better forum for me now.
SBXH and I signed our separation agreement and I deeded my house over to him (well, my half of it anyway)about two weeks ago. We were together in my attorney's office and I do not recommend doing it this way. Now, the divorce complaint is sitting in my email inbox awaiting my review. Once I sign it and it gets filed, I will be "divorced by Thanksgiving" as my attorney said it with a little too much glee for my taste.
For those of you reading this who do not know me, I decided quite a while back that I did not want to reconcile with my SBXH. I have been working through the process of...well... a lot it seems: grieving that loss, finding myself again, learning to depend on myself, finding my laughter, building new relationships, losing some others (my brother has stopped speaking to me and most of my work relationships have gone to hell - funny, they are all men, I am sure there is something to unpack there).
This last bit, losing other relationships is part of the reason for my post today. Guess I have known some muck has been turning in me because I thought about starting the new thread last night but in typical VV fashion, I just look the other way, tell myelf I am just fine, and analyze my way out of feeling things I do not want to feel. Since that sort of behavior is what got me into a marriage that was not the best thing for me, I am working to change that about myself...hence, the new thread.
I have made so many strides in my personal life in the 14 months since SBXH and I split. I am so much stronger and more independent than I ever was before. The funny thing is that as my personal life has goteen better and better (ever so slowly), it appears that my work life has been falling apart. In fact, rather than concentrating on work right now, I am writing this because my head is so full from thoughts about it that I cannot concentrate on anything else.
It would make this post way too long if I were to include all of the details of the problems here so I will summarize it like this, for now...my work problems are partly my own fault, partly the fault of others and partly just the natural consequence of all of the changes I have made and been through.
Mostly, what I wanted to get out of my head and onto the page right now is this: I have lost so very much in the last 14 months...so much that it makes me sob as I type this and, today, it has become clear that I cannot simply keep skipping merrily long, telling myself how strong I am and deciding to just plow my way through the feelings by sheer force of will not to feel them. It is so clear to me as I look around the rubble that was once my promising career that there have been repercussions from the demise of my marriage that go way beyond the loss of a spouse.
I feel naked and raw today and I am wondering where I will find the energy and the strength to rebuild so much more than I thought I had to rebuild. I know that I will find it...I always have...just feel really overwhelmed today.
Guess taking a week off of running when one normally runs 5 days a week is a very bad idea...at least it's a place to start.
Going for a run sounds very wise...I think you're opening up to a lot of stuff that's been in you - and now you're ready to process it. Take it in bursts if you have to - remember, when a train starts up, it doesn't pull all the trains that follow at once - it takes one section at a time, with a small bit of space between cars...otherwise, getting going would be impossible.
That feeling of being overwhelmed sucks - but remember that it's a perspective - and right now it's a perspective colored by sadness and feelings of loss - how could that not be hard?
Welcome to the "b-show", the popcorn sucks, but the company is good.
You'll find yourself in good company soon enough here. As always chin up and hang tuff. As for the job, ohh I hear ya. It took a while, luckily my boss was very compassionate and even as I still go through phases more than a year later now, she's got my back and things have gotten MUCH better, well, heck, after losing everything, my job is all I have
Keep posting, get it out.
Cheers Dylan
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Thanks for finding me over here...always glad to hear from you. I think you are right...about it all. I do need to learn to pull one car at a time and let the caboose do its thing when the time comes.
Dylan,
Thank you for the warm welcome...it was much needed and much appreciated today. It helps to know that others have had work issues, too, though I am sorry to hear that. Part of my issue - something about me that has changed personally for the better, is that I no longer seek male validation and I think that is having a profound impact on my work relationships.
When this all started, the partners in my firm (I am the only female attorney in a firm of 10) were all very avuncular and protective. I no longer need that and, I feel pretty sure, send that message out loudly and clearly. As a result, I think they are pretty unsure as to how to relate to me. I have always been the fragile little bird for men to protect - learned to play that part really well, too. Then, I realized that this is not who I am, not who I want to be, so I learned to stop playing that role and to be the strong woman that I really am. I think this has created a lot of confusion in my relationships with these men (and my brother for that matter).
I think it is going to take some time for me to figure it all out...this is just my opening attempt. So, I will keep posting as I make my way through this part of the muck.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm an accountant for a major medical center and we have annual internal and external audits.
Well, last year at this time August through end of September we had our external audit. Suffice it to say, when I wasn't a weepy depressed wreck, I was very spiteful. Oh, yeah, and under no circumstances have I ever held auditors in high regard.
Well, I said some nasty things to the auditor last year, my boss explained.
Wouldn't you know, we have the very same auditor this year and he's picking on my files pretty bad. But wouldn't you know, he's staying clear out of my way, lol.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
So...I just signed my Complaint of Divorce, quietly, alone in my office. I cried, wrote a letter to my attorney making sure that SBXH will not suffer the indignity of service by sheriff, enclosed the documents and...that's it. In about 45 days, my marriage will be legally dissolved.
I have to say that this seems remarkably anticlimactic, so much so that I wonder if I am fooling myself. Is there a big crash coming? Signing the separation papers a few weeks ago hit me much harder than this. Guess time will tell.
As I sit here, writing this, I feel too removed, like I am watching myself in third person...never a good thing with me. I felt real feelings while signing the papers and cried pretty hard, hard enough to freak out the poor paralegal in my office who had the joyful experience of notarizing the documents for me.
Maybe I am just taking it in bursts - like Carlos said - pulling one train car at time. I hope so.
I wish that dates did not get stamped in my head as they seem to...August 24, 1996, May 30, 1998, August 6, 2008, September 22, 2009, October 9, 2009...
Well, I don't know which is worse, the knock down grag out fight with heated court appearences or a quiet, "you sign on this X and you sign on this X, done" approach.
One is so heated, you know it's over. The other, passes so queitly, you're not sure it's over.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Hey V, I read your first post and didnt know what to say... Sorry you feel down. In 1996 the closest to me uncle died. He had been fighting cancer for a few years. The day he died I decided to go out of my way and stop by his house. I stayed there, talking to my cousins and aunt, walked in the room to see him and he...died. I saw the last breath, his body relaxing. And then, silence. Up to this day, that moment troubles me. All the fears and agony over his coming death were meant to prepare me about the drearful moment but the painful part was NOT that exact moment afterall. I thought death was supposed to be...violent, noisy, make a fuss, you know? Well, it didnt. It was just a breath. And apart from the pain, it was also relief.
You have been very strong thru all this. And you will be fine. Sometimes, the final act is much more "quiet" than everything that has happened before it. I guess, that's only true when "it is time". Hugs K
PS My work, still suffers. Dont let it get to you. Make sure you are acting in a way that you are proud of yourself, dont exaggerate, just be yourself.
Dylan...I am not too sure. I do not think either is terribly pleasant.
Kalni, it is always good to hear from you. Thank you for telling me you think I am strong. It helps to hear that these days...I feel my strength ebbing some days.
So, someone close to me had the guts to tell me that he thinks all my running may be symbolic of my running from my feelings. When he said it, I "yesed" him, told him I knew that and changed the subject. I have been thinking about it ever since. I had been avoiding thinking about it before he mentioned it, though the reason I so quickly brushed off the subject is because I did not want to admit it to myself.
My run today was very hard, physically. My legs were heavy and tired. It was my mind on the run today, pulling my tired body along. So I stopped running in the middle of my planned distance, I just stopped, sat down and let the feelings wash over me. I cried. I am sad and tired and tired of feeling sad. I feel lost and scared. It is these feelings - scared and lost - that make me want to avoid sitting with my grief and really feeling it. I do not like feeling that way. I do not see anyway out of it or any light at the end of a tunnel - hell, I cannot even see two feet in front of me in this tunnel.
I am scared that if I allow myself to really feel all these feelings that they will overcome me. I feel as though I am in a pool and these horrid feelings are pulling at my ankles, trying to pull me under water and I have to fight to keep my head where I can breathe...and I am losing.
It has been so many months of sadness and crying and I want to be done. So, to be done, I have to feel. I have to stop fighting and trust that I will not be overcome by my feelings. Trust that my strength will see me through.
I just realized something about strength as I was writing this...my strength is not meant to be used to fight the feelings - to prevent them from being present...my strength is meant to keep me from getting consumed by the feelings, overwhelmed by them. My strength is there to remind me that I am more than what I feel in any given moment.
Veronica, there are so many people here that do exactly what you described. Some of them "run", some of them date, some of them turn to church... Sometimes I read the posts and want to scream to them: "what you are avoiding will bite you in the @ss..., face it, dont hide!!". NOT many realise it. That alone, is enough IMO, to start the REAL healing process and it is very very difficult but necessary.
Strong maybe a misunderstood word. When I say you are strong, I mean you can deal with "anything and everything". You have apsolutely NO reason to "run". hugs K
