Well, we're still married and it seems that it will likely stay that way. We are going on a cruise leaving next weekend from Miami, but . . .
I feel stuck again. Sometimes I don't even like him. I have no sex drive whatsoever.
After everything we've been through and how hard I worked to keep our M together, I haven't forgotten what I need to do, but I feel as if I'm pretty much doing it half-azzed. I feel angry a lot of the times & about what EXACTLY I don't know. It's a conglomeration of everything I guess.
Obviously, I know I need to step up. I've even asked on occasion if he thinks maybe we need some M counseling & I get the question asked back "Do YOU think we need M counseling?"
Life just seems to be flying by. The boys are growing up so fast. The weeks just fly by and the weekends go even faster.
I think I'm kind of depressed too and I don't know if this is causing my way of thinking or if the way I feel right now is the cause of my depression.
I just feel like I'm going through the motions. We do go out on dates regularly these days. I go to the gym pretty much every night after work, but I still have huge hang ups about myself physically which I probably shouldn't. I know it's not THAT bad & he loves my body just the way it is.
Maybe "his needs, her needs with children" or whatever it's called would have some good ideas for me. I need to dig that out. I know we have it somewhere. If he saw me reading it, maybe we could start some sort of R talk that would be helpful.
Suggestions would be great & thanks.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/07/0909:49 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I ask you this because I go through periods of discontent and depression....and I blame it on my M and what has happened. My H knocked the sh!t out of my confidence with what he did when he had his A and he convinced me no-one liked me and I was a bad person. that takes a lot of coming back from. However my H is great now and yet I get cross with him, (and I find it oh so hard to trust him).....you know just listening to him breathe sometimes irritates the crap out of me. Hows that old saying go? "If you can here your H breathing next to you when you are in bed at night, you aren't pushing the pillow down on his face hard enough!"
However, when I really get too near the nub of the truth, which I don't like doing, I realise the problem is with me...mostly. I am hating aging, whilst my H embraces it and doesn't worry if he gets a bit thicker round the waist line, ( although I do find I hate the weight he puts on). The children are getting older- my eldest just left for university- and I hate that; I don't want an empty nest but H looks forward to all the things he and I will be able to do together. I am scared about the next stage of my life whilst my H looks forward to it. I am jealous of my eldest D and what she is going through at Uni - I loved that time of my life; no real responsibilities and lots of fun living with folks my own age. I am sure hormones are having some play in all of this too.
I don't want to get old.
Things can't stay in the honey moon phase all the time. It just isn't realistic. I know that materially I am very lucky - I have my horses etc. I am lucky that my children are all happy and healthy and clever. I am lucky that my H is attentive and now that I have started doing some part-time work, (which I chose to do to occupy myself), he is really helping at home to make things easier for me. But sometimes it just isn't enough. What am I looking for? Why am I discontented? I think we just go through phases. I try very hard to look at the positives.....although sometimes I just have to sit and have a good cry.
Red, you are not alone in how you are feeling, but perhaps it is you you need to look at rather than your H. Could you be having some MLC tendencies?
((((((HUGS)))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
"I've even asked on occasion if he thinks maybe we need some M counseling & I get the question asked back "Do YOU think we need M counseling?""
Why is it any worse for him to ask you the question rather than stating his view than vice versa?
What if you said: "H, our M is not working well for me. I think we can do much better. I want MC for us."
"Maybe "his needs, her needs with children" or whatever it's called would have some good ideas for me. I need to dig that out. I know we have it somewhere. If he saw me reading it, maybe we could start some sort of R talk that would be helpful."
What if you simply started some sort of R talk that you would like to start? "H, I don't feel that my needs are being met. For instance, my need to ___________ I feel is unaddressed."
Less game playing, more directness. Of course, this requires being open and vulnerable, but if you aren't up for that, then there probably isn't much room for M improvement.
And, it would be brave and quite a good idea to check out whether you might be depressed...
Crap, I just responded & hit the wrong button. Here goes again.
I think Saf hit the nail on the head. I know I am the unhappy one and unhappy w/ myself & where I am in life at this point in time and that seems to affect how I feel about my M as well. As much as I have thought about it, I still haven't figured out how to "fix" myself, though I am working on it -- going to the gym & trying to do things just for me at times, etc.
I know it sounded like I was playing games, but I honestly don't, OT. Sometimes I try to figure out ways to be a bit more subtle, because if I try to take on the subject w/ H directly, I maybe say things I shouldn't or say them the wrong way. If I decide to actually have some sort of R talk, I will think it through thoroughly prior to actually talking to him.
It was actually quite crazy how much better I felt yesterday after I just got my feelings out of my head and down in writing.
I think the most frustrating part is, for H, he loves me, he decided to stay, end of story . . .
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/08/0901:51 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
The cruise! How wonderful. Is it on a Carnival ship? We went on the Legend in May. It was wonderful. So relaxing. Nothing to think about at all. They cleaned the room twice a day, and the meals were fabulous. Order everything you want. There's no limit to what you can have, even at dinner. The warm, chocolate melting cake was my daughter's favorite. She had at least one every day, and then we found the recipe online and started making them at home. Just relax and have a good time. The only thing I found difficult was internet access. I paid for an hour of internet time, but I couldn't connect to aol and wasted a lot of that time trying to connect. My gmail account worked easily though. So, before you leave make sure you have a gmail account set up with all your addresses on it so you can reach people.
It is a carnival cruise. H & I were supposed to go on a cruise a few yrs back, but got stuck in Dallas b/c of weather & weren't going to make the ship in time so we had to just turn around & go back home. He gave this one to me for our anniversary.
I just don't trust him still. There is this one girl @ his work & I just don't like the vibes I'm getting. We were supposed to go to her graduation from something last night (work related), but H said he didn't feel well so we didn't go. She texted him during/after the graduation to let him know she got some award. They texted back & forth for a few minutes. We were outside & heard his phone go off once again (she was texting him back) & gave out a sigh that sounded like exasperation, but I just don't like the feelings I'm getting.
However, I'm afraid if I say anything that he's going to be like "are you EVER going to trust me again? When are you going to quit doing this?"
I was going to look at his phone this a.m. before he got up, but he got up before I did, so I didn't get a chance to look at the texts from last p.m.
I've told him in the past that I don't trust this girl & I don't like that they are "friends" as well as co-workers, but I don't want to keep making a big deal of it either.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
P.S. There is no benefit to leaving things unsaid. They just bother you forever. Before we went to Retrouvaille, my H and I had swept so much stuff under the proverbial rug, that we were living in a tight space close to the ceiling. It doesn't work. If you have something to say to him, say it. Get it out. Be understood. Hear what he has to say. That is communication, and it is necessary for a healthy marriage.
P.S. There is no benefit to leaving things unsaid. They just bother you forever. Before we went to Retrouvaille, my H and I had swept so much stuff under the proverbial rug, that we were living in a tight space close to the ceiling. It doesn't work. If you have something to say to him, say it. Get it out. Be understood. Hear what he has to say. That is communication, and it is necessary for a healthy marriage.
Very good advice & I'm taking it to heart. His actions and any talk of the future are showing he loves ME and desires ME.
I know the biggest problem right now is ME and my lack of confidence in myself. I will make sure I am actively working on that, but I've always had issues w/ self esteem.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
RED! Sorry you're still feeling so 'meh' about everything.
The advice to just be straight with him is good. I know where you're coming from about not being able to trust him, but not wanting to keep beating a dead horse. I've dealt with a lot of the same things with my H.
I finally opened up and told him, "Look, loving you and trusting you are two completely different things. I love you. I'm beginning to trust you more, but I know I can't trust you completely...maybe never again, it's a consequence of what happened. I'm not trying to beat you over the head with it, but you have to understand that your actions are ALL I HAVE. When you have contact with anyone else outside of strictly work boundaries, it brings everything back to me. It's real, and it tears me up and makes me question myself and you and everything." I think he finally got it, after crossing the line in the sand repeatedly, he seems to be making more effort to respect my request for no contact.
He can't read your mind, and he can't do anything to make you happy (especially if your needs aren't presented clearly). You already know that, and I think it would be wise to put some real thought into what you can do to take care of yourself and build up that self-esteem. I fought it for years too, and still deal with insecurity at times, but one thing I did learn in this process is that I'm pretty darn awesome, I can handle a lot, and I like to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, busy days filled with work and kids are hard. But I can still find little things to do just for me...new lip gloss, dressing up, exercising, talking nice to myself, sitting up straight, standing tall. What would make you feel better?
