I don't want my marriage to be over, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
DH is a workaholic, and essentially living the life of a single dad. He works and works, until all he has left is a little energy and time left at night to give to the kids. It's as if I'm wallpaper. He doesn't have time to stop and talk. If he weren't married, he's the kind of guy who one would say just doesn't have time for a relationship. Except he is married, for 18 years, to me.
Our sex life is non-existent. For years, I got around his 'I'm too tired' by staying up an hour or two after he'd gone to bed, then waking him up with sexual advances, because all he really needed was some rest first. However, eventually he began to participate less and less, and the last time I did that, 18 months ago, he barely even bothered to touch me, instead just laying on his back as I took care of myself on him. It was humiliating. I told myself I'd never do that again--the next time we did it he would have to initiate. Well, guess what--18 months later he still hasn't. His equipment is functional, he just doesn't want to use it. His testosterone has been tested and is fine.
I have told him over and over how important physical intimacy is to me. I don't feel emotionally connected without it. I need it. And he says "I hear what you're saying" but he does nothing about it.
He says he wants to be married, and he admits (his words) he's a lousy husband. He's in therapy to find out what his problem is, except he can't find time to go more than every few weeks. In the meantime, I cry at night.
He and his therapist so busy exploring his feelings--exploring why the house is on fire in the analogy I like to use--that there will be nothing but ashes left by the time they are ready to address the crisis of our current situation.
I never, ever, thought it could come to this. I never would have had 4 children with a man I had less than 100% loyalty to and confidence in. But in the 5 years since his mother died, he has steadily pulled away until I'm driven to this point.
He says it isn't about me, and that I keep making it about me. I say that maybe the problem is his, but when he treats me like I'm not even here, then it is about me. His solution, make another appointment to see his therapist. He's sorry that he's a lousy husband, he's sorry that he's "broken". He's trying to fix it. Except that he still can't reach out to me across the bed at night. I've lost 15 pounds in the last few months (on purpose). If he can't tell by looking (he can't because he doesn't see me, even in the same room) then he should be able to tell by feel. Except he doesn't touch me either.
I tried a couple of DB techniques earlier in the year, with no response. We've been to 2 MCs, the first of which did actual damage to our relationship, and the second (touchy feely) made him too uncomfortable because she wanted him to look at me while he talked about his feelings. Whenever he is asked to talk about his feelings, his response is "I don't know."
My marriage is dying. My self esteem has never been so low.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that love. I deserve to be found attractive. I deserve respect. I'm not invisible, the way I feel in front of my own husband, the one person I counted on to want me forever.
He denies that his mother was alcoholic (it was obvious to everyone else), he denies he's an adult child of an alcoholic, he denies he's a workaholic. He denies depression. I've never felt so hopeless. We don't fight. There's just nothing, except me crying, and him saying he's sorry for being broken and for being a lousy husband.
My heart is broken and I don't know how much longer I can live this way.
Sorry that you find yourself here, although its a safe and welcoming place to be! You said you tried a couple of DB techniques with no joy, it would be good if you could explain a bit about what you tried and what responses you got. Sounds like you have a lot going on in your M which is draining all your resources. Try and find time to read some of the threads here as it will give you some ideas and did you read all the book DR/DB?
Once you get some replies and start to tell us a bit more about you more folks will chip in advice! Welcome anyway.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I see so much of myself in your husband. He's tired. He's scared. And all he is hearing from you (and I don't mean this as a criticism, just as perspective) is "I need more." He's exhausted at the end of the day, probably scared about keeping the family afloat financially, worried about his health (he knows he is running himself ragged) but he doesn't know how to break the pattern. He goes to therapy and he beats himself up. You need to find a way to reach him and change the pattern. You don't need to DB in my opinion. You need to find a way to show him the world of possibilities. At least that's what I wish my wife could have done.
I see so much of myself in your husband. He's tired. He's scared. And all he is hearing from you (and I don't mean this as a criticism, just as perspective) is "I need more."
No offense taken, because you're right, that's what I am telling him.
Quote:
He's exhausted at the end of the day, probably scared about keeping the family afloat financially, worried about his health (he knows he is running himself ragged) but he doesn't know how to break the pattern. He goes to therapy and he beats himself up. You need to find a way to reach him and change the pattern. You don't need to DB in my opinion. You need to find a way to show him the world of possibilities. At least that's what I wish my wife could have done.
This is an interesting perspective, Clueless. Can you tell me more about what you mean? What can I do for him?
When I was hearing this from my wife, all I could hear was "work harder." Once she dropped the bomb, the world of possibilities opened up for me. I suddenly saw all the options for things I could have done:
1. I learned about relationships -- I wish she could have given me "The 5 Love Languages" for instance. 2. I started taking anti-depressants. (Should have done it years ago). 3. I began treatment for an auto-immune disease (This one is tricky as it was coincidentally at the same time. But, it may be worth considering the possibility your husband has some problems). 4. I opened up to my family about the struggle I was having. All of a sudden I realized I had a resource who could help me. 5. I just started hoping that I could be a better person.
If your husband is like me he just has his head down and is trudging forward. He has given up on making it better and is just powering through hoping for better days. He loves you and he finds you attractive -- he just doesn't love life and therefore has no passion.
Actually, has he had his thyroid checked? Before I got my thyroid corrected, I was depressed, had no libido, felt bad that I was "checked out" but didn't have any energy to do anything different. I felt lonely. It was all I could do to just go to work and then come home and make dinner. I stopped wanting to do anything with the kids, etc. It was awful. I knew there was something "wrong" with me and I went to the doctor several times telling them I felt like I had a thyroid problem. I was always at the high end of the "normal" range so they never prescribed anything. I gave up going to see them. I was resigned to have a horrible life. Finally, they narrowed the range and I went back to the doctor. By then, I was off the charts. In fact, the doctor ran the test twice because he couldn't believe the test results. His words "You're the walking dead."
Anyway, at that time, my H checked out because he thought I had abandoned him. Unfortunately, I had no control over my so called leaving. I wish that he would have sat me down and said "I love you. The wife I married has disappeared and I'm worried about your health. Can I go to the doctor with you? I won't rest until we find the solution." But instead, he created a married single life and now that my thyroid is fixed, I feel like I have been unfairly treated.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
We had a long talk about 2 weeks ago. It was a good talk, but he continued to reiterate what he always says--he doesn't know why he feels like he does. I told him that love was something you share with someone, something you give. You can't just sit around waiting to feel something--just give and see what happens. I wasn't sure this was sinking in, so I told him this--for the next week I would show him how that worked.
All of that week, I worked on showing love to him, more than I had in a long time. It really made me aware that I too had not been giving. So I gave. It had an interesting effect on me. It made me FEEL more loving toward him as well.
But I also realized something else. Nothing was coming back to me. I was loving a wall. I was just as alone as ever, even though he seemed to appreciate it. It became really clear to me that I am the only thing holding up any relationship.
A few days ago I hit a crisis point and I went and told him I needed TO KNOW--no more "I don't know's"--why he can't bring himself to be any way physically intimate with me. He promised to take it to therapy and get back to me.
Last night he got back to me. He and his therapist talked it over in depth, and he "thinks" this is the answer. When his mother died (almost 5 years ago) he was left with a void in his life, a huge void. He may have looked to me to meet needs (nurturing needs, I don't know?) that she had met for him. Somehow, in that quagmire, his sexual interest shut off, or I somehow failed to meet his needs (not being his mother) and he shut off, or . . .. Or my other theory now--that he was always married to his mother first (a widow from his early childhood)and that our relationship was somehow something else. His mother was always a very big part of his life. I didn't always like it, but I respected him for taking such care of her.
His therapist thought it was important for him to tell me that this problem is his; it does effect US, but it's nothing I did wrong, it's not because of me.
His therapist outlined 3 basic options for him now. 1--stay as is and try to get his life sorted out. 2--separate, take a break, and work on his crap, and see if he can be fixed and ever be the man to make me happy. 3--divorce now.
DH, being a pleaser, wanted to know what I wanted to do. I could hear in his words that he and the therapist had devoted some time to this separation idea, because he could tell me that it meant he would get an apartment, and it wouldn't change any of his responsibilities (he would still drive the boys to high school 30 minutes away on his way into work.) I told him I really did not think more distance was going to help this relationship right now.
I'm so angry right now. I'm angry, and so deeply disappointed in him and in myself for being such an idiot. I know that he is a soul in pain and he can't help being human. But I thought so much better of him than that. I always knew all the way to my soul that we were forever, 100%. I knew that what we had together was worth so much more than that. But what I hear now is that what I thought we had together was in my own head, not his. Because what we had evidently couldn't survive the death of his mother.
I've been unhappy for a long time. He has been an entrepreneur for 10 years, and thus working long hard hours with a lot of sacrifice at home. I blamed that for keeping him from being home, convincing myself that he would be home if he could be, and until he was able, I would be here holding down the fort, supporting him in his efforts, bearing my load for the good of the team.
I gave him 100% of my trust, loyalty, and support, because what we had--in my fantasy evidently--was worth it. I'm angry, disillusioned.
So, he's human. OK. Where do we go from here? Do we build a relationship based on reality and move on together? That sounds really great, but you know what? I'm too disillusioned to believe it now. One thing I can look back on about our courtship is this--I did the chasing. I wanted him really badly, and I worked hard to catch him. Yes, I got what I wanted. But he never had to make any effort in the relationship.
Once more, he has put the power in my hands--does he stay or go? I could keep him in the house by telling him that's what I want him to do, and then I could do all the work and maybe convince myself it was helping, but I'm afraid down the road it will just be more of the same. He will continue to come home after 8:30 missing dinner every night. I would go back to being the sole initiator of our sexual relationship which has been nonexistent for 18 months (since I told him he needed to make the next move on me.)
If he doesn't want this relationship all the way in his heart, then please tell me how this isn't a waste of my time and my life?
He tried to kiss me good night last night, because I looked like I 'needed a kiss.' I turned away from that. Our queen-sized bed was about 5 feet too narrow last night because I didn't want to be anywhere near him. This morning he wanted to hug me good morning and I turned away again. I told him I no longer want his pity hugs and kisses--which I've been begging for all year.
Before he left for work, I told him that I knew if I begged him to stay he would, but I also knew that it would most likely mean me doing all the work--as I have been the only one doing it for 17 years. I told him that if he wanted to be a part of this marriage, he would have to make his own decision and he would have work to do.
With an attitude like I've got today, I don't know if I belong here (on this forum) anymore. But it's how I feel right now. I'm so angry.
Moonlocks, I can understand you being angry and frustrated. Have you considered getting a therapist of your own to help you work through your feelings? It's hard to cope when you're feeling so lonely.
Also consider googling and reading about "emotional incest." This relationship your husband had with his mother seems to be a major part of his dysfunction as an adult.
Meanwhile, begin to think of ways to start self-care and self-nurture. All the focus has been on your H and his issues. Please try to think of some ways you can be good to yourself and do things for you. I find in my own situation that getting involved in more things for myself has helped me as much as any type of therapy.
Wow, Breakaway, that's a phrase I've never heard and . . . wow. I only had time for a quick google peak, but . . . wow.
Passive "good boy", mama's little man of the house. She was widowed when he was 4 and the weight of the world was on his shoulders from then on. There were 3 much older sibs almost grown, into drugs, and out of the house. It was all up to him to take care of his mother, who never remarried and never fully got on her feet again.
I'm going to get my own therapist, thanks for bringing it up. I need to get on that, because this is all tearing me apart. I've been working on self care for the last few weeks and it is so important. I made a list of 10 things I needed to do right away for me (mammogram, dentist appts I've put off, exercise class, etc.)but the therapist still needs to get done. Thank you.
