I don't know how much longer I can stay

[bluerain]

Moonlocks, I dont know if you have made your choice yet, but I think that separation simply leads to avoiding issues. I would recommend that you get yourself a copy of the Michelle Wiener-Davis book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, and a copy of the 5 love languages. There is a sex starved marriage forum that might do you some good to check out on here.

I think that the therapist is a great idea, have you thought about using the DBing coaches? I have used them, and I think that they can give some great advice, and they come at it from a perspective that can be hard to find from a counselor.

[Moonlocks]

Somebody please offer thoughts on this development.

I spent the weekend feeling just devastated, for the sake of myself and the kids making plans for when the next shoe drops. I did the math, and looked at all the practical realities of divorce with 4 kids.

We make the same amount of money and neither of us can afford this house alone. I would either have to move to a much smaller house/property, or leave the area. If I did manage to stay in the house, it would be really painful for me to live among all the constant reminders. It would really suck.

Last night I asked him if he had any idea when he might be deciding if he wants to stay or separate. This sparked a whole new conversation where it came out that the reason he would want to separate would be to make me happy, because he is only making me unhappy now.

He has some fantasy idea of divorce where he would get an apartment downtown near work, and still come out here on the weekends to help out around the house. He would keep paying the house payment and all the other bills, but I could have the house outright because he doesn't deserve any of it (the equity is substantial.) The kids would stay in the house, and everyone would be happy.

Um, no.

I informed him, gently, that is not reality. Reality is that he would be dropping a bomb in the middle of all of our lives. It would take me years to trust anyone enough to marry ever again, if I ever did. I would be devastated every morning when I went into the bathroom and saw double sinks. I would want all of his and his mother's furniture gone. I would not want to see him every weekend because I would be hurt and angry; I would want him out of my life and gone so I could move on. I would have to be captain of my own ship, paying my own bills, taking care of my kids.

He denies being depressed, but in the same breath can tell me I would be better off without him, and that he should just have a heart attack and die so I could have the life insurance money and my life would be better because he's a loser.

He is in therapy, but his therapist "thinks he's just depressed about the relationship not working."

I think his therapist is an idiot.

Maybe I'm right and maybe I'm wrong, but what I'm beginning to see now is depression, self-doubt and low self-esteem, and fear of failure all rising up and overwhelming him.

Or he just doesn't love me anymore.

But he says he does and it hurts him to make me so unhappy. He just doesn't know if he can be the man to make me happy. Maybe in his head he's freaking out because he loves me but he's not in love with me, and he can't admit it.

I gave him two pieces of advice last night. First, find a new therapist for a second opinion.

Second, try something for the next 4 days (before I leave for a long weekend at my parents.) ACT loving, whether he feels it or not--make an effort to give love--and see what happens. See if it makes him feel any different. It made me feel different last week when I tried it. I also had to give him some ideas--send me a lovey text message from work, spontaneously shower me with kisses, etc.

I'm really worried about him right now. This whole self-less divorce-because-you-deserve-better-than-me, you-keep-the-whole-house-because-I-don't-deserve-it thing really concerns me.

[bluerain]

I think that when he says things like that he is fishing for you to disagree with him. Dont. Say maybe your right, but I know that I would rather have us give good effort to saving this thing, for us and our kids.

These people somehow become thoroughly convinced that D will solve their problems, and it wont, but they often wont beleive YOU. Have you looked into the books that I mentioned before?

[Walking]

He sounds like a classic Mid Life Crisis candidate.

I would recommend you consider posting on the MLC forum. You'll get lots of good support from people going through similar situations and you'll learn how to do the work you need to do on yourself.

It's true your husband is in crisis and it is impacting on you - but there are some skills and resources you can implement to be healthier emotionally.

Go over there and take a look at that forum. I think you'll find a good fit there.

V