I guess I kind of disappeared . . . but something made me check in today, and one of the first posts I read was someone wondering where I am. From a year ago. Oops.
I'm still out here,and I'm doing OK. I'm losing weight, getting my master's degree, and continuing to fix up my old fixer-upper of a house. Taking some advice here, I've begun renovating the bedroom with new windows so I can get the wiring done and get new walls finished. I've also gotten a bathtub installed in the new upstairs bathroom so my wife can take her long baths. Unfortunately, I lost my job over a stupid licensing issue that would have been easy to take care of back when I was so depressed--but which I didn't take care of back then. It was a lousy job in some ways, but I wanted to leave it on my own terms, and I didn't. That was a failure. But the licensing has been resolved, and next month I take a test to make my new licensing permanent. After that I can apply for full-time work at the place where I'm filling in now, and I should end up making more money with more options than I had before. This time I'm doing things on my own terms, which doesn't always make my wife happy, but hey, she wanted it and now it's happening. We have quite a bit saved, and with the fill-in work, money's not too tight.
She's working very hard on the marriage with me. Last year I thought I'd had a great idea when ballroom dancing lessons were offered in our town; she loves to dance. She didn't want to do it then, and I was crushed, but I didn't sulk. I just told her I was taking her at her word that she wanted to do it another time, and when she was ready she should let me know. She found a class this fall, so we've been doing that together once a week. We make a date out of it. My parents take the kids and we go with another couple, then have dinner. The boys are doing better at school, and we've started seeing a family counselor for adoption preservation again, as well as a monthly visit with a psychiatrist for one of the twins who was having problems with anger and self-hurting earlier (we were talked into stopping our therapy sessions because the boys were doing so well, but that was just as they hit puberty--it was a mistake.) The baby is . . . well, he's two-and-a-half now, actually, and he's absolutely fantastic.
Sex has been much better lately. I'm still experimenting with what she likes best and what I like best, and it's complicated because she still feels guilty about some of her favorite things, but she long ago accepted that sex is important to me and she has to make some kind of effort. Now it's more about details and about not stopping our forward progress.
One thing that has driven me to think more about these forums lately is that my wife's best friend is going through the classic "Sex Starved Marriage." In their case, the husband is the low-desire person, but it otherwise mirrors our experience in a lot of ways. He takes anti-depressants (actually, he's off them now, which has its own drawbacks) and both are overweight, but she resorted to surgery and lost a lot of weight, which made him feel insecure. She wants sex, he wants to be left alone. They've begun talking about divorce in a passive-aggressive way, with each asking the other if he wants a divorce. My wife would like to help them.
Here's the thing; we gave the wife our copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage. Beyond that, I don't know how much help we can be. We have our own struggle, and to me this is like the alcoholic who's been sober for a year and now wants to help everyone else dry out. The impulse is admirable, but to me it seems predictable that all this would do is draw us into their conflict and draw their conflicts into our marriage, where we have enough of our own. It feels good that we're dealing with these issues, but they're not gone.
We've already seen a little of that. My wife works with "the wife" all day, so we get her side of every story. My wife told me the other day that she thinks the other couple should definitely be seeing a counselor, but that husband just won't agree to it. I couldn't help but chuckle at her; in our marriage, she was the one who just wouldn't agree to that idea no matter what I said. I wonder now if she was right or wrong, of course, since we seem to be making it work without the counselor.
Anyway, we still have our problems, but we're working on them and life is better than it was. I don't know if most of the people I remember from these forums are still here, but I've been thinking it would be good to get involved again and not get complacent.
One quick thing I think a lot of the husbands here will appreciate: the ballroom dancing lessons have been great. I've gained a lot of confidence as a dancer (well, a wannabe) but I admit to a little schadenfreude watching my wife struggle to let someone else lead. It's not that she has to let me lead every part of our life, but I think it's been good for her to confront the fact that when she wanted to let go and let someone else be in charge of something as small as a waltz, she was incapable of giving up control. She can laugh about it now; I just wait another beat, wiggle my eyebrows at her, and off we go.
Hey, can somebody help me out? Is there a way to subscribe to these threads? I'd like to have email notifications of new posts so I don't lost track completely again.
Hi Silly...welcome back. Not sure about subscribing to the boards. I guess I don't really know what that means? I just come back and check the board (on my favorites list) once in a while to see what posts are new.
Since you were last here, I got married (August 09) and am very happy! I was happy to hear of your marriage improvements, and OF COURSE I was delighted to hear about the dance classes.
It is really difficult for a woman when learning to dance to not "anticipate", which is what they call it when you are the follow and you begin to anticipate your lead's next move and you go in that direction, only to realize he wasn't going to do that move after all. You really must wait for the follow and for the direction, or the entire dynamic is messed up. However, this is much more difficult than it sounds, because following itself is difficult (but not moreso than leading). Its just hard because you are having to think and concentrate so hard on your steps and the music and then ALSO concentrate on NOT anticipating. Of course, after you both become more proficient, she likely will stop anticipating as this is usually something beginning follows only do for about a 6 - 12 month period when they first start taking lessons. Yes...anticipating can reflect that a woman is a little too controlling or that she has a hard time giving up control, but at the same time, if you haven't tried to follow, you really should sometime, so you can see how difficult it actually is to NOT anticipate.
I guess I have not been contributing that much around here lately as many of our regulars have moved on, and I myself haven't felt like pouring out my heart in words about my own sitch. I think in general, the Baggy's and the Cinco's are both in recovery, so that is good news, and they both pop back in here from time to time.
I think we're going to take the beginners' class again in the spring and try to get it all down for real before we try something more advanced. I can do the steps, but I have a hard time relating them to the music sometimes. Also, the steps are often the opposite of what a boxer or a judoka would be doing. The last class is Thursday, and then we'll see.
Actually, there have been more improvements than I thought to mention. Losing that job stunk, but in addition to going back to school and getting my certification in order, I've also taken a job doing some writing, something I've always wanted to do. It doesn't pay the bills yet, but I have a dream. And my political advocacy group is incorporating as a non-profit, and I'm serving on the Board of Directors. We have a shoestring budget and no real idea what we're doing, but we're getting things done.
It was me who was wondering where you were -- uh, last year. LOL. And if you ever get back here again soon, you'll see that I welcomed you back, last night, on another thread. I just happened to come to this site myself, after many months. I stopped visiting the DB boards because I felt that no one was really reading any of my posts, or responding. So, I felt like, "what's the sense?"
But, if you're serious about coming back to visit, and/or help, I'll jump on the bandwagon, tho I don't know how much help I can be at this time. My original thread was..."Who's the sex-starved one? Him or me? I don't think it's had any activity in months. Besides, I've been separated now for over a year, and I've found out way more than I ever wanted to know.
I remember. I was looking at some of the old threads I'd posted in a day or two ago and that was one that came up.
So . . . a year . . . are you better off, or worse? You don't read like you're happy with the separation. I know you didn't want things to end that way. What's going on?
Well, I read through the thread in your signature link. I have to tell you, I've got mixed feelings about how you're doing. In that thread you seem to think you're failing because your husband is leaving and you're not finding a way to stop him (that was months ago, so I don't know how current this is.)
But, Poet, reading it through all at one go, it's clear that your husband thinks he has to leave. Maybe he's wrong, but that's what he believes. I don't see what you could have done about it in the past year. I believe he was at a point where he's certain he has to make a decision and go with it, even if it turns out to be the wrong decision in the end.
The more you let go in that thread, the better you did. So what are you doing now?
I'm still reeling from the fact that you're back. Wow, what a transformation you've had. And, I also see you are a different person! Way to go!
As for me ... my God, long LONNNNNNGGGGGG story! I don't even know if I can possibly get into it here, or if I even want it to be public. So, suffice it to say that maybe it would be better if you joined facebook and we could do most of this in private, if you're interested, that is...
I've never had anyone from the SSM forum slice me up emotionally, but I've been emotionally and spiritually beaten for trying to save my marriage by some on the other boards. I'm not even sure the few who hurt me are still around, but I know I don't want them back in my life. Not now, not after all this way I've come.
But know this ... Do I still love my husband??? Yes! I know it sucks huh!
Do I still have contact with him? No.
I used to call him about once every two to four weeks. BUT, I was the only one who ever called. And, whenever I did, he put me down, or insulted me or made me cry. So, the last time I spoke to him (over the phone) I told him so. I said that he always made me cry, and that because of it, I would never call him again. And, I meant it. I also said that if he ever calls me, I won't answer. Silly me! (I was in a hit and run accident, [drunk driver] which totaled my car, and soon, H and I have to meet to sign the check together. So, I'll have to figure that one out somehow.
You are pretty on-target that he felt he had to leave. I did clearly draw the boundary at, "No one is going to perform infidelity while being under the same roof." So, in a sense, I guess you could say he felt that he had to leave - I showed some rightous anger, which he saw as "us not getting along." HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO???? It was all a shame/blame game for him. Well, I'm clear now that I was not to blame for his indiscretions. But, he really had me going last year. That's for sure. Not anymore. Nope. Some heavy duty counseling by professionals and priests made me see the light - thank God. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd be dead by now. It really was ALL about saving myself since this past January!
I love the man, but I stopped being a doormat for his sexual indiscretions last year. I can't put the gory, dirty details on here because one never knows if he could be reading this site, or any of his OW (plural). Think younger women, money and swine flu etc., etc. [Like I said, if you want the down and dirty, please join the DB FB site and look for KalniSunshine to accept your friends request].
As for me, I've returned to the faith of my youth, and I'm well involved in that. I'm out of work, and resting up nicely from all the spiritual, physical and emotional wounds. I'm asking God to save him, praying for his forgiveness. And, I'm asking everyone who reads me on here to please pray for him as well.
I still love him and that may be the most painful part because I cannot ask him back (he wouldn't come anyway) without some kind of reconciliation and repentance. He is a stubborn man. It's a Catch-22!!! If anyone has ever been in a Catch-22 here, I'd love to hear the "solution."
Get this! On his father's deathbed, he told my H to not be so stubborn. My H didn't listen. I really don't think he gets it. He never will...
BTW, we are still just separated!
peace and love, poet
Oh, P.S. > Yes, I'm doing the Hard Work. By request, I'm currently reading two books:
1. Every Heart Restored, A wife's guide to healing in the wake of a husband's sexual sin by Fred and Brenda Stoeker.
2. Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Women's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge.
