Unfortunately, I have joined your DB community. Long story, will try to keep it to the point. 2 mos ago, my H informed me he had been having an affair with OW at work. He felt very guilty, told me it wasn't me at all but had to get it off his chest. He said it started over a year ago, had cooled for several months and was back on. This is the 2nd time in our M that he has done this. 1st time was about 8yrs ago and was very brief. He moved out for about 6wks and ended up coming home. Things were good for quite awhile. I believe that part of this is a MLC as he will be 51 in a couple of months. Last year was a bad year for me, my Dad died unexpectedly and I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went thru a dble masectomy, chemo and reconstruction surgery. He seemed ok and handled everything pretty good. He said that when I was going thru that, they had stopped seeing each other. (Gee, thanks!) He said he loves me and her and is waiting to see if she feels the same way. At first, I was ready to kick him out, but after cooling off and thinking things over, I decided that I didn't come thru beating cancer to have my M fall apart. I told him that I was not going to give up on us, that I would not make it easy for him to leave us, S14, D11. I did the rookie mistakes of leaving notes, cards, flowers etc. Got out pictures etc. I had fallen out of interest in sex, it had become routine and frankly, after everything I'd been thru, I just didn't have the energy or desire. So, I have been trying to seduce him every chance we get. I got the DB book about a month ago and realized all the mistakes I was making. I will also say that I had been kicking around a D from him as he had just been distant and "lazy". Hadn't done anything around the house, just slept all the time. He works graveyard and wasn't getting a lot of sleep during the day (but found out later some of it was becuz he wasn't coming straight home after work-going to OW) so I got irritated and pulled away...I do NOT want a D!!! I have been trying to be upbeat and pleasant, do nice things for him and not ask too many questions about why he is late etc. I thought things were going pretty well..until a couple of weeks ago when he informed me that she went to the Dr and has herpes and said she got it from him!!! He and I have been married for 15yrs and never used condoms so I was highly doubtful. A few days later, I showed some symptoms and yes, I have it now too! I am devastated about it! IF things don't work out with he and I not only am I missing "real" breasts but now have an STD at 46yrs of age! And, yes, I have snooped. We both have prepaid cell phones so no phone bills but he is going thru minutes like crazy and must have figured out how to delete any calls off his phone so no answers there but did find a picture of her, a strange key, and a little love note from her in his wallet which he has taken to hiding from me. I also found that he had taken a big loan from his 401K in April of last yeat that he didn't tell me about. Although, that loan is a normal behaviour from him as he has done that in the past without telling me. Ok, this is getting too long for the first time writing...just asking for some advice as I am so confused...he tells me he loves me, we are having fun when we go out together but I know he is still seeing her. Any advice would be welcome!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
My advice would be to do the opposite of what you've BEEN doing, because that's not working. Trying to "win back a cheating spouse" RARELY works, and what do you have to show for it? He's cake-eating, disrespecting you AND giving you an STD!
A voice-activated recorder hidden under the front seat of his car, and/or a GPS-enabled prepaid phone hidden in his trunk, ought to give you everything you'd need to kick him to the curb on YOUR terms.
Let me ask you something. When he cheated on you eight years ago, what were your boundaries (if any) for him coming home?
I made him promise that he would never do that again and if he felt we were having problems, to please talk it out first. Apparently, he forgot his promise. I am afraid if I kick him out, he will move in with OW as we would not be able to afford to get his own place. BTW, his first W had an affair on him and he was devastated to see his S, 3 at the time, crying for daddy as he was pulling away.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I have been trying to be upbeat and pleasant, do nice things for him and not ask too many questions about why he is late etc. I thought things were going pretty well..
Well, of COURSE they were going well -- he's got TWO women "doing nice things for him," he's cake-eating, and not even getting questioned about it from his wife!
I thought you had vowed to change that, after reading DB?
No, we are not to be jerks to our wayward spouses, but we're not to enable them, either. Treat him civilly, and do nice things for YOU ("GAL"), while establishing (and enforcing) some boundaries.
I made him promise that he would never do that again and if he felt we were having problems, to please talk it out first. Apparently, he forgot his promise. I am afraid if I kick him out, he will move in with OW as we would not be able to afford to get his own place. BTW, his first W had an affair on him and he was devastated to see his S, 3 at the time, crying for daddy as he was pulling away.
A "promise to never do it again" from a cheating spouse is empty. Not beating you up, as I'm sure you'd never envisioned ANY of this happening to you, but there needs to be some real boundaries and conditions when you take back someone who is cheating. 100% no-contact. Full transparency. Marriage counseling, preferably with a counselor who specializes in infidelity. Stuff like that.
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. I am afraid if I kick him out, he will move in with OW as we would not be able to afford to get his own place.
Time to LOSE THE FEAR, and put on the big-girl panties, CW. So long as you are ruled by fear, rather than by what I call "The Right Thing To Do," you won't get anywhere.
Someone advised me, in my sitch two years ago, to learn to operate NOT from a position of "What will my wife think if I do this/say this? What will be her reaction? Will she be ANGRY? How will her reaction make ME feel?"
and rather from:
"What is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would do if He were standing right in front of me?"
Once I REALLY embraced that, omg, it was LIBERATING. My wife is a hot-blooded Italian who can scream at a pitch that could sterilize frogs at 200 yards, baby. But after once or twice facing the the storm, and steeling myself into it, I looked down and said "Hey, guess what . . . I'M STILL STANDING!"
Well, I thought I was doing the opposite. In the past, I had gotten so I wasn't even doing his laundry! I am having a hard time with the 180 thing as I don't think I have ever been consistently one way or the other. I just keep asking myself, how would I normally handle this and try to do the opposite. But, you are right, he is getting the a great deal right now and that is why I came here to seek help from people who have been there!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Why on earth would you do the laundry for a man who is having sex with someone else and giving you the STD?
I think you're misunderstanding the concept of a "180." A "180" would be that if you were a woman who normally didn't go out and do stuff with female friends, you should do that now. Or if you were normally not very confident around your husband, then you should be. There's nothing in DBing that I'm aware of that says we are to try clear "pursuing" behavior to try to "win over" a cheating spouse in an active affair.
