Do I simply talk to them about how I'm feeling, and not give out details on her life with Dbag? How then do they help DB if she won't even talk to them?
If she won't even talk to them, they can't help you DB no matter what you tell them.
Also, you're inadvertently protecting her from having to own her decisions. By telling her family all the details, you're saving her from having to answer their questions and own the answers. She also has an excuse to not talk with them--"Norse has poisoned the well."
Thank you guys. Very good points. I will alter my strategy accordingly. No more offering details of her life. I'll talk to them if they want, but only about myself or the boys.
-very little contact. -finances are pretty much separate. Joint account used to pay bills only. She's not stealing money anymore. Though she walks around telling the boys that "mom's broke." -I've gone on some coffee/drink dates lately to get my mind elsewhere. It helps short term but it feels weird. Not sure of my stance on dating while separated. I know I have a clear conscience, but I am also noticing that it can add undue stress to my life if I let it (scheduling, drama, etc) -havent heard anything from lawyers since last time. Dunno if that is good or bad. She doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get rid of me. -Zoloft-been on it for almost three weeks now I think. Noticeable difference in mood.
I think I need help with balancing meeting her needs with detaching. I know she is telling people she feels very alone.
-I've gone on some coffee/drink dates lately to get my mind elsewhere. It helps short term but it feels weird. Not sure of my stance on dating while separated. I know I have a clear conscience, but I am also noticing that it can add undue stress to my life if I let it (scheduling, drama, etc)
Sounds like you're in a better place. As for the dating thing--there are many advocates on this board for and against. I think that right now, you need clarity of purpose. If dating fits with that, fine. If it gets in the way, don't.
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
I think I need help with balancing meeting her needs with detaching. I know she is telling people she feels very alone.
Meeting her needs is not your job right now...it may never be again. She has decided that Mr. dbag can meet them. Your job right now is to meet your needs and the needs of your boys. She'll either come back or she won't...you need to be whole either way. You may decide you don't want her back.
Doesn't cutter always talk about the carrot and the stick? I feel like I'm all stick here...lol
Maybe I'm confused? Can't I detach and still "attempt" to be meeting her needs when the moments arise? I'm trying to lighten up when we do talk, show concern, etc.
Doesn't cutter always talk about the carrot and the stick? I feel like I'm all stick here...lol
Maybe I'm confused? Can't I detach and still "attempt" to be meeting her needs when the moments arise? I'm trying to lighten up when we do talk, show concern, etc.
Norse
Yes, the first step to reconciliation is getting rid of all the negative feelings. They need to come out though. Hence the need for the spew raincoat. I was always looking for opportunities to connect. The key is loving detachment.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Doesn't cutter always talk about the carrot and the stick? I feel like I'm all stick here...lol
Maybe I'm confused? Can't I detach and still "attempt" to be meeting her needs when the moments arise? I'm trying to lighten up when we do talk, show concern, etc.
Norse
I didn't communicate well. If "meeting her needs" means being the best that you can be...someone any woman would find attractive, then yes. If "meeting her needs" means rescuing her from the consequences of her decisions (money, car repairs, listening to her complain about OM), then no.
Interacting positively with her, while still maintaining your boundaries will be good for the relationship no matter what the outcome.
Ok, that clarifies it better for me. I'm not trying to save her from the consequences of her actions, though I am trying to make sure I don't neglect being a "great guy" whenever we interact. I guess in my mind there is a fine line between "connecting" and pursuing.
I guess in my mind there is a fine line between "connecting" and pursuing.
That's the line everybody struggles with. You are not alone. The people who are most successful are those who have clarity of purpose. Coach is a great example. They understand where the line between compromise and compromising themselves lies.
