Avermont - read the whole thread on 'detaching' in the newcomers section...you might have to go a few pages back but it is EXCELLENT! Good luck to you and just remember all that you have going for you...treat yourself, be good to yourself, and that energy can do wonders for you regardless of H situation...I promise!
Avermont, my post over in divorced but not done, so you can read the sordid details there if you wish.
I'm still struggling with the whole GAL stuff, it's working for me so I suppose that's a good thing. I think you need to do it for you and not with the goal of getting your H back they can see through that. Having said that though the happier, more content and so on that I become the more my H seems to retreat, get defensive and spiteful. Not sure where to go from there.
I assume at this point that the trouble-free, hot and sexy gf is the better option. Don't know how/if affair will end. Want him to know that I am approachable for reconciliation (when affair ends) without having to start with hours of crying and recrimination.
Avermont. Sometimes its just better to leave the light on but the door locked. Do not let him know you are approachable for reconciliation. That is something he needs to learn and earn.
How was your week? I hope you have kept up with your reading.
Wow, all--I just read thru 23 pages of detaching. Thanks for pointing me to them.
I am, like all newbies, working hard to understand and implement detachment. My attention was caught by a few lines about "if the probs in your R were you being cold, unloving.." "then you have other work to do."
As you know, I put a lot of blame on myself for being a detached, not expressive person in the R. So I struggle with the healthy, "for me" detachment and worrying about "how will I ever get to show my changes in being able to express my feelings." That is my struggle right now.
When I first realized that he had moved to an apartment STILL in our town (I assumed he would go closer to work) I did ask '...is there some way we can find a way to share town...not checking in on each other's lives, but some courtesy as to sharing..." Not trying to make any demands, but just letting him know how I felt. He sort of shrugged, but a week or so ago, he did check in with ME on a place he wanted to go.
I made a big step last night by finally going out to "our" bar with a girlfriend. I did first email the X saying "I'm going to Bar. Conflict?" He replied: "no".
Now, I know this means that he has power over me, and how I feel and all that. But this is still so early in the breakup, that I just cannot yet bear to be in a sitch where he might come in with OW. I could probably cope with seeing him, but not them together.
I have another offer to go to the bar tonight, but still feel I want an "all-clear" first. On the one hand, this lets him know I am out having fun. On the other, it is letting him know my whereabouts and about my life. And it gives him so much power--"ha! she won't go if I'm going! Maybe I'll go just so she can't!" or whatever.
So I write this just to share that I am trying to detach--I ordered some books as I read through the thread--but in a town this small, it is unavoidable to see them together. And while I am still in so much pain, I want to do what I can to avoid seeing them.
Hopefully soon enough I will be strong enough--detached enough--that I can be at the bar, or theatre, or restaurant--and be OK when I see them. But I am not there yet.
So my immediate anxiety right now is--go to the bar or not? if it means emailing him, is it worth it? and yes, it is important to go out and be seen...but I want to check in first...and that is a sucky feeling.
So the work continues on detaching. The OW just makes it that much harder.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
You need to stop texting him. He does not need to know what your doing. Only you need to know what your doing. Your girls will look out for you. Thats what girlfriends do. Us guys come and go but your girlfriends will always be there.
And yes one day you will realize that detaching is not about him... Its about you. Then you will begin to detatch.
Well, I texted him, but no reply. Had a fine time at the bar with the girlfriend. The bartenders are all in favor of me claiming my space at the bar. Apparently he brought the OW there once, and the bartenders's response was "ugh!" It is good to know folk are on my side.
Courage, time, and detaching will lead me to be able to claim my place in town without "checking in" as to where he is. Time, time time.
Thanks for your support. I am going to find out if he is out of town for Tgiving (don't care where he is) but that will give me a better sense of freedom to be out and about in town.
Good to be out and get a drink with a friend.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I have the same issues, my H OW is a former best friend who lives in the same street. Haven't bumped into them together for 2 years - they must be hiding from me! At first I sculked round town and then I thought who left? Also who's going to be more embarrassed if you do see him and OW? You or them? I'm guessing them. And you'll have friends around to support you right?
I try to remember I'm not the only one who has to deal with seeing X and OW . It is all the fear in my mind. I don't imagine them embarrassed--I imagine them holding hands, happy as can be--and she sneers at me. They are happy, not ashamed at all.
So, since this is all in my head, I need to work on detaching, right? Right.
To get to the point of seeing them and being OK would be heaven.
Detach. Detach. Detach
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
