That sounds a lot like what my H proposed...staying married until D graduates from high school. I said I couldn't live a lie for the next 3 years and he said it wouldn't be a lie, we'd just focus on the good parts. Crazy, huh?
Our MC said that could actually be worse for D because just as she's getting launched from the nest, it would be falling apart behind her (waitaminute, I think I read that somewhere too). She'd feel like she was responsible for holding the family together.
Wierd councilling session. I think I'm hearing the C say that co-living could work? He says it might be good financially? Maybe he is just trying to get us to open up and communicate clearly, to openly discuss options? I don't know... He didn't come right out and say it was a horrible idea.
H is argueing he can live in basement. H continues to believe it is unreasonable of me to expect him to keep commitments.
H messed up last night. Had to stay late stay at work for emergency (god, maybe he is seeming someone... But his work does have big flaming emergencies), called to tell me he would be late, but home by 8. I had plans to go out at 8. I told him I understood work was important, and asked him to let me know if he was not going to be able to make it home. Of course, he didn't, and I tracked him down at 8 myself to confirm that I should cancel with my friend. This is exactly what I've been talking about in session - empty promises and taking me for granted.
So I sit him down today and explain that his groovy co-living co-parenting plan is not on the table unless he starts to demonstrate that he can comunicate with me openly and honestly, and he makes keeping commitments to me a priority.
Also, he is argueing we won't get much from the sale of the house. I think this is wrong, we are in the middle of a housing bubble here, and we live in s desirable neighbourhood... Guess I need to document value of home?
Me: 37 H: 43 S: 5 Married: '02 1st MC: 11/07 Bomb: 12/07 Reconciled: 04/08 04/09 "More space" 08/09 2nd Bomb 11/09 Wants sep. lives, same home 11/20/09 In MC to "negotiate co-parenting,co-living"
have you considered the possibility your husbands gay?
one thing for certain is he is not ln love with you and has it in him to live with his "sister" for a long time. fun wow!
if you dont have it in you to live like this also, then GET OUT! the sooner the better. oh, and take the responsibility for breaking up the family, your children will be proud of you in the end, rather than living with this notion that marriage is suppose to suck.
yup, that's what I'm thinking: either gay or he has some other woman (man) on the side and she hasn't found out yet.
Let's test the living arrangement thing he proposed.
Heather if you guys haven't been physically intimate with him for a long time, tell him with this living arrangement, is he ok with you bringing another man home on certain evenings and him taking the kids out while you have someone "over".
Just tell him you're a healthy woman and you have physical needs and that if he can't be with you physically/sexually like a normal husband and just wants to share a home, you won't live a sexless life in your own home for the rest of your life. You want to have sex in your own bed in your own home where you are comfortable. You don't want to have to go out to a hotel as if you're having an affair, you want to enjoy having sex with an attractive, masculine, male partner in your own bed.
Say it with a straight face and gauge his response.
Seriously if the guy doesn't give a crap about you wanting to have sex with other men and you're thinking about it, there is nothing much left to hold on to here.
It's your choice to stay married to him for the rest of your life in a sexless, loveless marriage but I'm sure you can't hold out that long.
I am considering some sort of mediated collaborative separation that would protect my assests and clearly define the finances. Would need to make sure there is a plan in place for when one of us does choose to leave the home. I will speak to a lawyer.
There are pluses to staying in the home. On both sides. I was planning on starting a masters in January, was hoping to stay home while Son is in school for at least another year... Full time at home parenting is important to me. I understand that kids are flexible and thrive in all sorts of environments, but this is something I feel strongly about.
I'm trying to think everything through.
Would have to be clear that passive aggressive game playing would lead to sellng of home and end of this agreement. I've been on to that sort of thing for a whilenow, but never actually had leverage to enforce consequences. Wierd to think of separation as giving me more power in the relationship than I had.
Me: 37 H: 43 S: 5 Married: '02 1st MC: 11/07 Bomb: 12/07 Reconciled: 04/08 04/09 "More space" 08/09 2nd Bomb 11/09 Wants sep. lives, same home 11/20/09 In MC to "negotiate co-parenting,co-living"
test him, find out what the situation is really about, living in limbo isn't good for either of you and definitely not for the kids either, regardless if you think living together is good for them. All you are doing in reality is teaching them that this is what relationships are about and you really don't want to do that and you have been unfortunately.
Do you want the same thing for your kids? Do you want them to relive this tragedy? How hard has it been on you? Would you wish this on them? Break the pattern.
Test him, find out what you need to know and then move in the direction that is required to end this living in limbo - that or continue teaching your children that this is ok and that they should expect the same thing when they get married.
One of you needs to be a responsible parent about this: shelter, food & clothing only go so far, what about teaching them about living a good, healthy, happy life which includes mutually fulfilling relationships?
