Is my Wife Cheating?

[Steady on course]

My wife met her BF when he was called to her family business to fix a walk in Refrigerator. Her family runs a small farm and produce store. He owns his own HVAC company, and is retired from the Navy like me. My wife wanted me to call him, because he was wounded in Afghanistan in a roadside bombing before retiring, and believed that we could strike up a friendship because we were both retired Navy about the same age, and she thought we may have something in common. I called this guy, and before you know it we are having cookouts out my house and he is over more frequently. He complains about his wife of 25 years constantly, and it becomes obvious that he is miserable in his own marriage. We invite her to come too, but he declines saying she is a @34! who would be a party pooper. My wife begins talking to him more, and more frequently which I do not become alarmed about because this is her character. She is a rescuer type, always helping out and listening to others with their woes. Soon he is not coming over so much, but they continue to talk on the phone. He comes by the store frequently to see my wife, but not my house. Contact with me ceases. My wife talks to me about this guy and tells me his wife forbids him from having contact with our family because she believes he is having an affair.
But my wife continues contact with this guy to help him through his troubled marriage, because as she tells me, he is such a nice guy that needs support. At this point my yellow flags are going up but have not turned red. I tell her to leave him alone, and let him solve his own problems. After all, he has been married for 25 years. We on the other hand for only fifteen years, and have both been divorced. Now his wife is screening his calls, and he won’t answer his phone when my wife’s # comes up on caller I.D. She tells me all of this by the way. I again reiterate that he is solving his own problems, we don’t know him that well, and if he wants to talk he will call. About the same time, my wife is becoming more depressed about being strapped down with all of the kids, Money is tight and she feels she doesn’t have a life and suggests that she should get away by herself and re-group and relax for a night. I send her to a bed and breakfast out by a nearby lake, like any good husband would do. I take a day of work to hold down the fort, and take care of the 6 boys between the both of us. A seemingly uneventful event. I tried to call this guy at the time, to see if he wanted to come over and have a beer, watch the ballgame and hangout wile wife was out of town. No answer on his business, or private cell. This is import information for later in this story. Wife comes back and seems refreshed, but distant. This is the last week of August, and there is no discussion of BF for about three, maybe four weeks.
Soon she is talking about missing him, and why wont the return her phone calls. I find this odd, and tell her this. She becomes angry, and begins to find fault in everything I do, or don’t do. She begins to go shopping more frequently, after dolling herself up, and dressing a little bit more proactively for shopping. My gut tells me something’s up, but my head rationalizes it as paranoia. About two weeks ago, while on one of her shopping nights, she forgets her cell phone. She leaves it at home, and it rings displaying a # with a strange area code. I answer her phone, and the caller hangs up…but I hear a voice message with her voice saying why won’t you leave me a message, you know you can call me anytime. I am starring at the phone trying to figure out what just happened, and it rings again, with the same #. I answer it, and it is my wife. I say, why are calling your own phone from this #? Where are you, and whose phone are calling from? Oh she says, I bought this pre-paid phone for the boys, in case they need to call us and I just activated it. I ask her about the strange message, and she explained it away. When she comes home, I find the cell phone in her purse while she is in the shower, and scroll through recent calls. Bingo! All of his numbers, coming and going. I confront her, and she is angry I went through her purse, she explains that his wife is nutty, and she just wanted to call him from a unrecognized number. 10 times? This is when the S!!! hit the fan. This was about two weeks ago. I except her explanation, even though I am very suspicious. I let it go. Two days later, she tells me that BFs wife called her and accused her of having an affair with her husband. She said that BF wife is crazy, and wants me to call BF to see how crazy she is. I’m thinking that this is the most bizarre circumstances I can imagine. The next day my wife calls me at work several times to see if I called BF to ask about crazy wife. Finally I call BF and tell him his nutty wife is calling my wife about an affair. He becomes angry, apologizes to me and says he will take care of crazy wife.
About half an hour later, BF wife calls me, and tells me they are having affair. She says she has phone bills, receipts, and made him return a photo album of my wife in seminude photos that she found in his work truck. She describes the photo album in such great detail, that I recognize this as the one she had professionally done for me shortly after we were married. I am devastated. She goes on to tell me that he was gone all night on the same date that I sent my wife to a bread and breakfast. All the time she is telling me this, she is telling her husband to stay right there, don’t go anywhere. He is in the same room while she is telling me all of this. She says you don’t go anywhere, you stay right here so he doesn’t think I’m crazy, or making things up! I can hear him respond, but can’t make out what he is saying. She goes on to tell me about gifts, and love cards she found. After the photo album, I was convinced. I didn’t need any more. Devastated, I thanked her for the info and sat stunned in my office for a long time. The phone rang, anxiously, my wife wanted to know if I talked to him yet? Yes, I said, she’s not crazy, don’t worry she will leave us alone. I did not tell her what I knew yet…When I came home, I waited for her to go walk the dog, and found the photo album, along with a love card. I put them in my car, and did not know what to do next. When she came home, I questioned her about the extent of their relationship, and why his wife would be jealous. Because she is a crazy witch, my wife said. I still did not tell her I talked to the wife. I did however tell her that I was going to meet with BF the next day, because we both agreed we should talk and clear the air. This made her nervous. Just leave him alone, he has been through enough she said. Next day I called BF, and told him we needed to meet, I told him he needed to come clean with me. He did not meet with me, but told me that they went to a party together that night when they were both missing. He confirmed the photo album, and the gifts, the cards and secret phone calls. He said that nothing ever happened sexually, and went on about how bad his wife was. Basically he said, it was an emotional support relationship. This was about two days ago. In the mean time my wife has been pouring on the sex, every single night for about a week. Haven’t had that in years. This is all too strange for me. I confronted her with what I had from BF wife, and confirmed from call with BF. She also said nothing ever happened sexually, even though I never asked either one of them this question? She explained away the night of missing time as platonic friendship, and that she didn’t tell me because I might get the wrong idea. The photo album was to impress him, I can’t even remember the bizarre reasoning for this one. She said she was the pursuer, he the pursued. I don’t buy any of this crap. And I believe they are still talking. I have remained calm, and understanding but it is hard. I am biting my tongue when She mentions him even though I want to explode. As of today, she is still pouring on the sex. I don’t know if this is to through me off the trail, attempt at reconciliation her guilt or what? She still becomes defensive with regard to BF, and doesn’t believe she did anything wrong. Is she just going further underground, or is this genuine. My gut is still telling me there is more to this. Where do I go from here? I love her, but I'm not going to be a door mat.

[nutfarmer]

You are not crazy.

[Kalni]

Listen to your gut feeling and set boundaries regarding the so called friendship with this guy. I know you prefer to believe there is some truth in her words but I am almost certain there isnt any.
K

[SDFoundGirl]

If you think she is, she probably is. I knew my H was in an EA long before I found concrete proof. Set your boundaries.

SD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

They're both lying to you -- your wife and her BF. My take is that the OM's wife IS probably a little "psycho," but that she's telling the truth. I would also be willing to bet that your wife isn't the first for the guy.

It's as plain as night and day.

They usually will admit to one level LESS than what the truth is:

- "there's absolutely nothing on" = "inappropriate friendship"

- "inappropriate friendship or feelings" = "full-blown Emotional Affair" (EA)

- "we've never been physical" = "full-blown Physical Affair" (PA), or sometimes it had BECOME physical, but they've temporarily cooled it, either voluntarily or due to outside pressure

I would assume the worst, as all of the evidence is certainly there, and then proceed accordingly. I also hope you are using protection when ML to your wife.

Seriously.

I'm so sorry,

Puppy

[sandi2]

I agree, I think OM's W is the way she is b/c he is a serial cheater and uses his W as his tool to get close to his next vitim. Worked good with your W, didn't it?

I think you've gone far beyond what is required of a trusting H, and if you go any farther you'll be next to having blinders on. She will continue to feed you lies as long as you choose to believe them. She is disrespecting you by thinking she can work you like putty simply by over-dosing you with a lot of sex. May be some men's way to go, but I think it is a low shot. She's using that as a means of distracting you and to make you think things are fine in your own M so you'll stop suspecting OM. I'd dare say that they cheated before the bread & breakfast trip you financed.

The next thing you have to do is decide if you want to keep her for your W or not. I know it's rough to think about another M failing, but it may happen again unless things are turned around rather quickly. Don't know why OM's W has not kicked him to the curb yet....but bet there is a reason other than pure love.

Think about what your boundaries will be. Puppy can help you with boundary setting where WW are concerned. He can even tell you how to word some of those things to your W. But we all will be here to try to encourage you on.

BTW, what does this mean?

she is a @34!

[Steady on course]

I appreciate all of the responses. I have absolutely no one to talk too about this. My love and confident I believe, is in love with another man. She finally disclosed to me last night that she is fully emotionally involved with her BF, but he has cut her off and won’t return her calls. She was wearing his business T-shirt when I came home last night, and then informed that she is depressed that he won’t return her calls, because she just needs to see him one more time for closure. All the while wile still hugging me, and wanting me too hold her through her Bf withdrawal. She also expressed that she was bewildered that after he disclosed their relationship to me over the phone last week, he did not call to warn her that I knew about them, and was on my way home with this new found info. She told me that she was upset that he didn’t warn her because I could have flown into a jealous rage, and possibly hurt her. I did exactly the opposite. I let her continue her fake intimacy for two days before I told her what I knew. I am actually surprised how calm I have been through this. I can’t think about anything else. This has consumed me emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I believe she still loves me, but is no longer in love with me. If BF started to talk to her again, I know she would run back to him. I moved all of my income direct deposits to a new checking account in my name only. I removed my wedding ring, and took all of her pictures out of my office at work. I did this on Friday, 3 days ago. She still has not said anything about my wedding ring missing, and does not know about the money shift yet.
I plan to sit down with her tonight and go through all of our finances to get a clear picture of where we are at financially. I plan to be there for her emotionally if she needs to confide about her BF withdrawal, but the more she discloses, the more dead I am feeling. I do not know if this is her remorse, or if I am already in her mind the EX, who she feels she can confide in. She physically embraces me and I hold her and am non judgmental when she confides. But it is killing me inside. I can’t do this too much longer. I am becoming numb. Right before we went to bed last night, she put on BF’s T-shirt inside out, and told me that this old beat up coffee cup she has been using in our bathroom is BF’s. It is still sitting on the bathroom counter, and she is still wearing BF’s T-shirt sleeping peacefully as I write this. Has she completely departed from reality? Thanksgiving is two days away with a lot of family, relatives and our grown children returning to our home. I hope I can endure, at least through the holiday. For the first time in my life, I feel completely alone, and hopelessly lost.

[Coach]

For the first time in my life, I feel completely alone, and hopelessly lost.

Feel alone - pray, go to a park/shopping/library, get on the phone a call a old buddy, do you have a dog (there's a reason they are called Man's best friend)?

It's not hopeless, you feel lost because you never thought you would be in this situation. You don't know how to cope with it yet. That's going to change now.

How do you get a addict off drugs? Cut off all use. Time to set some boundaries. "Wife, I have decided I will not share you with another man. There will be no more contact of any kind. We will have complete transparency in this, full access to e-mail and phones. You will also remove any item that was his from our home. I will not be or our family disrespected any longer. If you do have more contact I will pack your bags and you will leave our home."

Use your military training and experience to help you. The boundaries are required to bust the affair and for you to get some sanity back. This is not a discussion, the boundary states what you need, gives her a choice in how she behaves and lays out the consequences for violating the boundary. It won't push her away, she will spew all over you verbally but don't engage that, this is about her behavior, and it will actually make you more attractive in her eyes. This move exudes confidence, clarity, strength and honor.

You can handle it.

Coach

[overwhelmed35]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, but this is a good place to find help.

I know all too well that completely alone and hopelessly lost feeling, as I'm sure, do the other posters here.

[Steady on course]

Thanks Coach, and Overwhelmed. You are absolutely right. I know what the right decision is and how to execute it. I don’t want to rock the boat until after Thanksgiving. I want to act rationally, not emotionally. Right know the negative vibes are in check. I don’t want to turn the holiday into a war zone. I feel like I am living with a sleeper cell, who has planned an agenda and can launch a pre-planned attack at will, while I am playing catch up. My military training also tells me too hold my enemies close, before committing to any strategy. She is not my enemy, but I fear that I am hers and BF’s.