My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have one daughter, age 8 and one son who just turned one. We had infertility problems therefore our daughter was conceived with shots and our son was conceived via IVF. Right before we went thru the invitro treatements to have our son my father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So in a matter of months we had to move him,(my MIL is passed) go thru our treatments, and then at 10 weeks we thought I was having a miscarriage. Needless to say life was hectic. We have a family business with my mother, brother and sister-in-law which is also chaotic at times. My husband and I have always gotten along great. He was always a very hands on dad,supportive husband, and (I thought) my best friend. THEN in July he went to his 25th class reunion and saw an old girlfriend. This was one of the only times we didn't go to a function together. He and all his buddies went without the wives. They kissed goodbye which he told me about within a week and I told him "that was ok, forgive yourself, don't have any more contact with her and we will go on." They started emailing, texting and calling and I found out about it in August. Two weeks later he dropped the bomb "I don't love you anymore." Since then, we have been to counseling together which has helped to bring lots out into the open, he has been to see our dr. who diagnosed him with depression. (He is on an antidepressant.) I bought and read and re-read the DB book and have applied many of the ideas. He has agreed to stay thru the holidays and either he will get an apartment or I told him I may get a different house. I don't think I can stand to stay in our house with all the memories attached. I have been working on myself. Going out with friends, doing yardwork and I have dropped 40 pounds. Last week I told him that I cannot take all of his lies and if he wanted to continue to have constant contact with "her" he had to get out ASAP. He has agreed to end all contact. I'm not sure if he is doing that 100 percent or not but he does seem very surly and grochy since then so maybe he has...WHO knows!! I told him the hardest part is all the lies and that I can fogive alot but NO more lying. He does admit that he is having a midlife crisis. Also, like a lot of posts I have read he has moments when he seems like his old self again. What I don't get is this: he told me that he still finds me very attractive, that we still laugh about a lot (and we are more intimate than we have been since we were on our honeymoon.) But she is his "true love and soulmate." I am just so sad on the inside even when I smile on the outside. But I do feel like he is home sleeping in his own bed every night and of course he swears that they haven't "been together" which I have taken with a grain of salt. Honestly, the lies hurt worse than the cheating!! Every couple of days he wants to talk about him moving out and he said he wants a divorce. I just need some kind words to carry me thru. Any thoughts??
M-43 H-43 D-8 S-1 Together 20 years Married 17 years Bomb July 08
M-44 H-44 D9 S1 M-17 T-20 Bomb-8/09 EA/PA/MLC H moved out 2/4/10
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.-Roy Disney
Don't you just love when those old high school flames flare up again? It happens so often, it's a cliche.
So sorry for your situation. You have found the right place. There are many posters here who have a great deal of wisdom and insight to offer.
I think words like "true love and soulmate" hurt much worse than if he'd met some chic in a bar and had a one night stand. Just my opinion...but I've heard similar words and I can still hear his voice saying them over and over and over...
Thanks for sharing. The more you get out of your head and onto this site the better. We are here to help.
I will give my input on what you can do to improve you R/M. The concepts will appear to be counter-intuitive. Just be open to believing in the wisdom from us.
Originally Posted By: January girl
My husband and I have been married for 17 years.
A long time together needs time to repair the damage. Now will be time for YOU to learn patience and perseverance.
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We have one daughter, age 8 and one son who just turned one.
So it is very important that you do "The right thing" and also do "WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN".
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THEN in July he went to his 25th class reunion and saw an old girlfriend.. Two weeks later he dropped the bomb "I don't love you anymore."
Someone gave him the courage...sounds like you know who it is.
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Since then, we have been to counseling together which has helped to bring lots out into the open
I bought and read and re-read the DB book and have applied many of the ideas.
GREAT! Consensus here is DO NOT LET SPOUSE see/read the book or this website. They are your tools.
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He has agreed to stay thru the holidays and either he will get an apartment or I told him I may get a different house. I don't think I can stand to stay in our house with all the memories attached.
He is the one making bad choices. Most believe it is best for LBS to stay in house and set boundaries with WAS.
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Last week I told him that I cannot take all of his lies and if he wanted to continue to have constant contact with "her" he had to get out ASAP. He has agreed to end all contact. I'm not sure if he is doing that 100 percent
Set a boundary on transparency also. I recommend reading "Not Just friends."
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...the lies hurt worse than the cheating!! Every couple of days he wants to talk about him moving out and he said he wants a divorce
The lies do hurt.
Memorize these words and use them :
"I am sorry you feel that way" "I understand you feel that way" "It must be hard to feel that way" "I just want you to be happy"
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Forgiveness: heals YOU from the past. It release you from YOUR anger and resentment.
Compassion: These are the tough times we vowed to support our spouse through. Spouse is hurting and it is important for us to understand this.
Listening: When we ask questions and listen to others, we gain understanding.
Empathy/Validation: This shows we understand. Validation does not mean AGREE.
Boundaries: Lets others know where our responsibilities end and theirs begin. Healthy boundaries are extremely important to start setting now. Find the boundaries thread and read it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We had a nice Thanksgiving except that he was quite nervous around our friends and family. On Saturday, he was reading a text from a guy friend of ours and he was laughing so I walked up to read over his shoulder and the previous text was from her with a subject of "Me too, darling" I jumped back and thought I was going to throw up right there in the family room. He came over to me and said it was old and showed me the date but covered the message. How can this man who I have given my heart and soul to for so many years be so cold as to hang onto that message? I know he is in our house every night sleeping but it just feels so useless because it feels like she is standing on my front porch waiting for him to walk out. I know I need to focus on us but I am SO sad that I can hardly think straight. We are supposed to put up the tree today but I just want to lay in bed and cry. I know I won't but how do I stop thinking about her????
M-44 H-44 D9 S1 M-17 T-20 Bomb-8/09 EA/PA/MLC H moved out 2/4/10
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.-Roy Disney
I am going to post something from a very smart person from another forum. The poster's name is pepperband.
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Thanks for the Plan A info. We had an interesting talk this evening. He wants so much to move forward with the "move out" plans of one of us. I'm sure it will be him, because quite frankly, I cannot bear the thought of uprooting our kids after our daughter (age 8) finds out the truth. I did tell him that I love him (I haven't said that in a couple of months.) I will try to follow Plan A to a T. One of the hardest things for me is not touching him. I guess that's normal. I did get some cleaning done today. Our house is pretty clean but often cluttered because of all the junk I don't take time to sort thru. He is such a warm father to the kids, I just don't know how our daughter will survive when we drop the bomb on her after the holidays!! He is her hero!!
M-44 H-44 D9 S1 M-17 T-20 Bomb-8/09 EA/PA/MLC H moved out 2/4/10
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.-Roy Disney
That is his burden to tell the children. With you there. They need to understand that what is happening is his choice. Not yours. He needs to tell the truth. The sooner the better. No more secerts. Do not tell lies for his adultery. Do not enable it in any way.
What are your immediate goals ?
What boundaries do you plan to establish?
How are you going to take control of this situation?
Well, I'd say my immediate goals are as follows: 1.) Get our house organized 2.) Spend quality time doing different/fun activities with my kids. 3.) Continuing to lose weight/work out 4.) Stay strong emotionally 5.) Be a good listener
As far as boundaries I believe that "no contact with her until he moves out" is pretty clear.
As far as taking control of the situation I believe that I have a long way to go in regards to not "going down cheeseless tunnels." BUT, I think that just being aware that I'm doing it is one step in the right direction.
And no, I'm not a victim. Not anymore....but I do have days that feel very tough.
M-44 H-44 D9 S1 M-17 T-20 Bomb-8/09 EA/PA/MLC H moved out 2/4/10
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.-Roy Disney
Someone put it in an earlier post, but I am going to say it again for you. Transparency! If he is willing to cut all contact as he says, he has nothing to hide. There should be no lies, you must insist that he give you passwords to all accounts for e-mail, texts, any means of contact. He may see it as untrusting, but if he is willing to repair and rebuild, than in should not matter. A 100% no contact with OP must be enforced.
