Dusk at Dawn.

[chatterbug]

The Doves: Sky starts falling

Who am I supposed to be?
I can't be sure that the next one will see me

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Could you seem above it all
Be sure to send my love

Wake up, waking up to see
It's a sign
That what will be will be

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Can't you see above it all
Be sure to send my love

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

Did she call herself a friend?
Don't call on me again, don't call on me again
Did she seem like before
Did she seem above it all
Be sure to send my love

[chatterbug]

Cutters Story

That is the first part of my journey here.

Quick recap.

Me:39
WAS:36
R:14y
M:10y
EA:july2009
PA:Aug2009
ILYBLY & Bomb:21-08-2009
PLAN A : 21-08-2009 to 15-09-2009
PLAN B : 17-09-2009 ongoing

[chatterbug]

Whats dusk at dawn. Its a picture someone drew in grade 5. One of those items that are not important in life , but you remember it.

What is nothing? It is the space between here and there. A quote of mine from grade 9. I remember this as well.

For some strange reason these came to me tonight. So I thought I would get a new home here.

This tread will be about tracking my goals while living in the dark.

Do I still love ladybug? Yes. Somewhere in there. The song I posted describes what I feel towards her. I know I am still very much inlove with ladybug. But at the same time I am not.

I am very proud of myself for standing on my feet and attacking the Adultery. Very proud. I used the weapons that we the LBS were granted. Exposure, GAL , 180, Tough Love and Detach.
Ladybug broke me. The day I completely broke was September 17th. That was the day that I ended the person I was. And deciced that I was going to take complete control in my life. I found this site 2 days later.

I listened to advice that was freely given. I asked questions. I offered help.

I grew as a person.

I thank everyone on here who has shared their lives with me. For I have shared my life with you.

Our gifts to each other.

I am going to quote myself...

Sometimes you have the hammer and chisel in your hands. Sweat running down your face. You stare hard at the mountain in front of you. You are not going to chip away at this mountain at this level. So you start towards the base of the mountain. There is wind and rain. Pounding in your face. Many boulders are laying about. You hardly notice them. But you have to climb over them. Interesting. Seems something is helping you. You have stopped hammering away but you have found a friend. An old and trusted friend. One you have forgotten about. Time.


Time in the dark. Dusk at Dawn. Embrace the suck.

[chatterbug]

Real life stuff.

Spent evening with FIL ( his birthday ) Had 2 pops and then went to a hockey game.

Just starting 2 weeks vacation. Still have not done any xmas decorations. But almost done the shopping part.
Weekend was very busy. Friday was pints night with 2 work mates. We went out for dinner, hockey game and then one two many pints of stout.
Sat. I got up and ran 15 km. Then planed a movie night with nephew and got ready for a xmas dinner party with some good friends.
That night it was a night of wine and laughter and food and good company.
I also went out on a mini date with one of festival girl's friends. We went to a movie today and then went our seperate ways. It was fun. Then spent the evening with FIL. We worked out a day to exchange gifts. ( I bought for FIL, MIL , BIL , and SIL and her family )
They did the same.



Its been 3 months of Plan B. Paitence is required here.



Plan B goals that I am working on.
Here are my goals with Plan B

1. Force WAS to get all EN's from OM
2. Force WAS to live the fantasy life
3. Remove myself from the vortex of the affair.
4. Stop cake eating
5. Begin to figure out myself
6. Goals. Learn them
7. Goals. Reach them
8. Protect my marriage. Keep enough love to decide if I want to continue it when the adultery ends and WAS gets her head out of her ass.
9. This is about me not my wife.


Am I in a good place?

Yes and no.

Yes its safe. And I am going to spend tomorrow looking for an IC. I know what I want out of that now. I want keep up this good work I have done on myself. The IC is going to help. This is about me. My life. I own it. I control it.

Good luck everyone this week. It will be a rough go. But we will make it.

[newmama]

Cutter! What an impressive and inspiring intro to your new thread! I must tell you something. I really think your W is escaping in her A through OM. When you stated that your W started getting promotions and you spent less time together, I suspect OM entered the picture then. Do you see this possibility?

So, you didn't ask but you are being very strong and doing the best thing for your sitch-NC. I wonder if time will start to fly by pretty soon. For me, it JUST started to fly prior to Thansgiving (8 months post DDay #2) BUT I have not been NC which would have been my preference sans child. Well, D, probably.So I wonder if NC helps time go by faster(not that we can compare or measure it)

[chatterbug]

OM is her boss. He has 3 children in his marriage. I think ladybug had a breakdown over the fact we never had children. We tried but nothing worked. And she wanted babies. Not to adapt older. All our friends had babies and I think it just got to her. Tie that into 2 quick promotions. I think she created some bizzare world where she gets those 3 kids and lots of money to buy anything she wants. I also think she is bi-polar. She had many a mood swing over the years. But only she really knows.

OM is a complete opposite of me. And the two quick promtions got ladybug thinking materialistic. She always had tendencies here. Bizzaro world. As ladybug was always about family and comes from humble background. OM comes from old money. Almost 10 years older. His wife is a well respected Doctor. Its a completely different world.

I guess I am just saying she snapped. Self entitlement took over and then went on overload. It was all very quick. She did tell one of her friends that life was too stable, she was bored because of the security and just wanted to shake things up in her life. ( This was during the Plan A days where she was a cake walking queen and enjoying both worlds )

I do know that my darkness has really hurt her. I do know that my dating system has affected her as well.

When I talked to her cus. on thursday night. I explained to him that she needs to hit rock bottom before she realizes what she has done to me and our marriage. For right now she does not regret any of this. Will she hit rock bottom? I do not like this person she became. I do not want to know her. See her. Hear about her.

I am not 100% understanding on your statement about escaping?

[newmama]

I am not 100% understanding on your statement about escaping?

OM is a complete opposite of me.And the two quick promtions got ladybug thinking materialistic. She always had tendencies here. Bizzaro world. As ladybug was always about family and comes from humble background. OM comes from old money. Almost 10 years older. His wife is a well respected Doctor. Its a completely different world.

[b]I guess I am just saying she snapped.[/b] Self entitlement took over and then went on overload. It was all very quick. She did tell one of her friends that life was too stable, she was bored because of the security and just wanted to shake things up in her life. ( This was during the Plan A days where she was a cake walking queen and enjoying both worlds )

Escape...escape... from her troubles. She snapped you say, going for someone totally different, the OM also has kids(you both want kids) and she said she wanted to shake things up. I am sure you must know by now that As are about them, not us.

Although Dr. Harley makes a good point about BS contributing to conditions that made the A possible, time and again it has to do more with WS's insecurities.

So like in my WH's sitch, I think he had an early MLC and went for the bad girl he never got in HS and his true self worth is low b/c he was bullied. So he is subconsciously using OW to prove something to his self worth(falsely).

I just wonder if your W is using OM to escape b/c of his money and kids but why...what is the deeper issue? I mean my WH is getting party time and fake sex, but I explained the deeper issues (I suspect) above.

I know we aren't supposed to think about WS, but it helped me to be more objective AND to make sense of this traumatic event AND to reserve love AND to find compassion AND to have hope AND to find more patience when I really thought hard about why an otherwise admirable H is doing this.

[chatterbug]

I am not 100% understanding on your statement about escaping?

OM is a complete opposite of me.And the two quick promtions got ladybug thinking materialistic. She always had tendencies here. Bizzaro world. As ladybug was always about family and comes from humble background. OM comes from old money. Almost 10 years older. His wife is a well respected Doctor. Its a completely different world.

[b]I guess I am just saying she snapped.[/b] Self entitlement took over and then went on overload. It was all very quick. She did tell one of her friends that life was too stable, she was bored because of the security and just wanted to shake things up in her life. ( This was during the Plan A days where she was a cake walking queen and enjoying both worlds )

Escape...escape... from her troubles. She snapped you say, going for someone totally different, the OM also has kids(you both want kids) and she said she wanted to shake things up. I am sure you must know by now that As are about them, not us.

Although Dr. Harley makes a good point about BS contributing to conditions that made the A possible, time and again it has to do more with WS's insecurities.

So like in my WH's sitch, I think he had an early MLC and went for the bad girl he never got in HS and his true self worth is low b/c he was bullied. So he is subconsciously using OW to prove something to his self worth(falsely).

I just wonder if your W is using OM to escape b/c of his money and kids but why...what is the deeper issue? I mean my WH is getting party time and fake sex, but I explained the deeper issues (I suspect) above.

I know we aren't supposed to think about WS, but it helped me to be more objective AND to make sense of this traumatic event AND to reserve love AND to find compassion AND to have hope AND to find more patience when I really thought hard about why an otherwise admirable H is doing this.

Thanks newmama. I understand the affair is all on the WAS. I am just one of the bigger parts of the fallout from those poor choices.

As for thinking about ladybug and the affair. Brenda Lee's Always on my mind. Comes close But really a 3rd person perspective view now. I feel like I was not married some times. One day I may find out why. But if I do not that is fine as well. I have come to grips with my half of the marriage. Our problems were very minor in the big picture. The thing that shocked me was the speed of everything. How everything changed in 5 weeks. No build up. Just Wham. A black and white town.

Now its contact from her every few weeks. Trival stuff. But I am standing strong on letting OM give her all the emotional needs that she needs to survive. For I do know my wife very well. And she requires constant attention and affection. But it is the day to day little things in attention and affection that she craves. And she is very independent at the same time. As was I.
I see this affair running a normal course and ending. I think that she planned on having a quick affair for some danger in her life. Then she got caught up in it quickly and I found out right away. A very stubbern woman with pride. I also think that she thought I would chace after her instead of kicking her out and cutting off all contact with her. Removing myself from her script. As I said eariler. I think that when everything unravels she is going to hit bottom. She did some horrible things to me in those 2 months. I just took it. And I do hope she hits bottom. She needs to and fully diserves it. Not for me but for herself. Or she learns nothing from all this and is not worth a single breathe. Its hard to say that about a person I love deeply. But it is trurthful.

[newmama]

The thing that shocked me was the speed of everything. How everything changed in 5 weeks. No build up. Just Wham. A black and white town.

Same story, different characters! One week we were passionately making a baby, excited about starting a family. 4 weeks later he was telling me how he "feels complacent" and how he isn't excited about Christmas this year and is not feeling passion for me. It was sudden.


It's great that you know ladybug will not end up with OM and you know it will end! I hope that makes it a little easier to stick to NC.

But it is the day to day little things in attention and affection that she craves

My WH is similar...

[P17]

Newmama / cutter,

This is not meant to be a highly thought about post or something deep and meaningful. What I actually want to say is

<expletive removed> me ...

Our three sitches are so similar. Cutter, our W's are almost identical in needs. The sitch of the A is slightly different but the person is the same. Only difference is my W is insecure too, I believe because of her past (mother and father rejecting her). She is also highly sexual and, again I believe, confuses love and sex (they are not the same thing).

Because of these traits, I believe that the A will last - because she will cling onto him for dear life because she is so afraid of being alone and also the OM will cling to her as, he is 45, has a 34 year old girlfriend and has sex on tap ... how many OM's would turn that down?

Sorry for the hijack, I just really was taken aback. A more thought about reply will come soon. Day is slightly better than it was but head is still 'mince' (Scottish term :))