Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Hello,

I’m new to post on the board but have been following others situations.

I guess I’m like many others, just looking for some advice. Here’s my story…sorry for the long post.

My wife and I have been together for 19 years and married over 12 years. We’ve had a wonderful marriage. A few years ago my business fell on hard times and went out of business. This caused my wife and I to go through some very difficult times, financial, etc. It was very difficult to lose something that I had built for so many years. For the past two years after my company closed I have not had a steady job. My wife asked me to get one and I know I needed to get one but for some reason I just couldn’t get motivated to do so. I have done some odd jobs on the side but not a steady job that I know my wife wanted me to get. She has had her job for the past two years.

My wife separated this October, she moved out. Three weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce. She said it was too late for her to work it out. She gave me the “I love you for the years we were together but that she doesn’t have those feelings anymore”. She told me that a person doesn’t change, meaning she thought I wouldn’t change. She was referring to my lack of a job mostly. I was in shock. We had such a loving marriage that I couldn’t believe my wife could just leave like this. This doesn’t seem like the woman I knew anymore. I’m so surprised how quickly she seemed to be moving with her decisions. She recently changed her last name back to her maiden name on some things. She also wants to discuss dividing our things. All of this since October? Can’t understand why she is moving so fast? Feel like this means no hope to save the marriage on the coming months?

She has said that there is no other man. I have talked with others close to her (family and friends)who have also said there is no other man. From what they have told me she left because of my lack of a job. She has always been easily stressed out with things. My wife told me that she was frustrated by my not getting a regular job in the past two years after my company went out of business. She told me I had two years and done nothing. I can completely understand this. I guess I wanted more support from her to help me as I was obviously having difficulty after my company went out of business.

My wife originally said she would go to marriage counseling but now tells me she only wants to go for closure. We haven’t gone yet. We haven’t talked about the marriage counseling for a month now. My wife has met with a divorce lawyer but nothing filed yet.

I did find out that my wife is going to individual counseling now. I’ve been going to individual counseling since my wife left in October. It has helped me learn many things about myself and my marriage. I learned that I suffer from depression. I’m on medication now and it has been a big help. I feel like I’m out of the fog. It’s too bad that I didn’t know I suffered from this years ago as I think I could have gotten treatment and my wife and I would still be ok. Since my wife left me I have taken this opportunity to work on myself. I recently got a good job.

My wife and I have had some contact but mainly through emails only. No relationship talk. The first weeks after she separated I emailed her with loving messages. I’ve since stopped and told her that I was going to give her space. I emailed her a couple weeks ago and told her that we had been through a lot due to outside circumstances. I said that I want to fight for our marriage. I said that I hope that she would consider MC with me. I told her that I didn’t expect her to reply but to just think about it. She hasn’t emailed me back yet.

One of her family members told me that she is just burned out and for me to give her some time and space. This person said that they believe I could get my wife back. I know this is not coming from my wife but this person has no reason to lie to me. He told me to work hard at my new job to show my wife I had made the biggest change she was looking for and to give it 6 months and then he thought it would be a good time to contact my wife. This person also told me that my wife is very private and hasn’t said much as to the reasons why my wife left. A mutual friend of ours recently told me that my wife informed this friend that my wife and I are separated. This friend said my wife never said anything about getting divorced and also said that my wife never said the she didn’t still love me. My wife told this friend that she felt like she just hit a wall. I recently found out that my wife set up a new email account and used her maiden name. We’ve only been separated two months. It seems so strange how quickly my wife is moving. She has kept my last name on all of her other things though. She tells me she isn’t angry but how else do you explain how fast she is trying to cut off any ties to me? When she moved out she left all of our pictures behind.

I’ve ready both DB and DR. I’ve done my 180s. I’ve gone NC for the past three weeks. We just went on vacation together this past September, one month before she left. I thought we had a great time but when I asked her she told me she didn’t have a good time. I don’t think I believe that because we both definitely seemed to enjoy our vacation together. So I don’t know how after such a long relationship and just having returned from a vacation together, how she just left one month later. I even thought we had a great week the week before she left.

I don’t know if my wife is a WAW or in MLC or both. We are both in our mid 30s with no children. I’m confused because my wife is acting so weird. As other have said on this board, I feel like shaking her and telling her to wake up. I truly believe that my lack of a job and our finances were the main reasons my wife left. I believe these should be easy things to fix if she was willing to listen and work on things. My counselor told me that I was in such a depressed place that it was very difficult for me to move forward without therapy and medication. I’m not trying to make excuses but anyone who suffers from depression will know what I mean. Now that I’ve been in therapy and on medication I feel invigorated again. I wish my wife could see this. I wish it would make a difference for her. I told her that this is lifelong change and not temporary. I realize she may need to see this consistency for a while first and that’s fine.

The hard part is being patient. I will show my wife my changes through consistency. I believe my wife still has love in her heart for me, although I sometimes don’t know anymore. She just changed to her maiden name on FB today. Seems like she’s saying this is the start of a new year and she’s taking steps to be rid of me, even in name.

So, do I ask her to MC now or wait a bit longer? I’m afraid that if we go together now she will not have an open mind and just reinforce her desire to end the marriage. Perhaps in a few months she would be more open? I’m hoping with the NC she begins to miss being together. I don’t know. Her family has said that my wife is doing ok right now. They also told me that my wife has no bad feelings towards me and wishes the best for me. I really dislike that comment. How can you wish the best for your husband when you left them? Anyway, I’m hoping that giving my wife space and showing her my consistent changes will help her realize that we do have a good marriage and it’s worth the effort.

Do most WAW go this fast to and take these steps in such a short amount of time? Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation? I feel like dividing our things just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage. I love my wife and I believe she might be experiencing depression of her own and possible MLC. I’ve read that is takes time for them to come back to reality. I’m willing to wait and be patient the best that I can but everything my wife is doing seems like there is no hope for the marriage. I don’t understand how they love you for so long and one day they leave you and don’t want to work on the marriage, not even talk about it?

Do I set boundaries now and say that I’m not ready to discuss dividing our things? Do I tell her that I want to talk in person about that when the time comes? I don’t want to push her further away but I don’t want to be weak and have her walk all over me. I’d like to ask her to counseling but know that now is not the right time.

Any advice is appreciated.

[mza8]

Anyone?

[patpat]

Do most WAW go this fast to and take these steps in such a short amount of time?

Yes, it can be just this quick....

m8 - I am sorry to see you here but you have found this site and there are many here in your sitch.... I am one. I am too new myself to offer any advice now, but will follow your sitch, and pop in from time to time.

Others: Sandi2, Coach, Puppy Dog tails, and TrentC - pros here will check in soon. Hang tight and advice will be here shortly.

This is the right place to be...

Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation?

No, it is never to late. We will tell you to never give up. W is just lost right now. MLC or just WAW... there is hope. Have you read DR (Divorce Remedy) yet... if not, get a copy and read. Others will be along soon to help you on your way...

Good Luck

[patpat]

Yes, you have read DR... I read that but it slipped away from me..

Good for you. Others will be along soon.

[Lotus]

mza8,

Does your wife know that you have a good job now? I think she does want to see stability on your part.

I would recommend sending your wife an email, perhaps once a week. Make it newsy, work is going this way, I am doing this, these things interest me. Write it as if to someone who doesn't know you well. So, NO SPILLING OF THE GUTS, NO BEGGING, NO PROMISING, NO WHINING. Just I am good, life is good. Want to keep in touch. Maybe she will write back. It is OK to ask about her life, but not to interrogate. Just the typical friendly letter, "How are you?" . then after about a month of doing this, ask her out to dinner. Do not beg her to come back, do not re-hash the past. Pretend she is someone you recently met and start fresh. You need to let the old relationship die and build a whole new relationship.

You can read Dia's thread for inspiration. She did an excellent job of moving slowly, slowly, ever so slowly back into her husband's life. No discussion of the past. None, I mean it. Face forward, look in front of you and see what's there. If you want change you have to change yourself.

[mza8]

patpat and Lotus, thank you for your help. I did read both DB and DR.

Lotus, I did email W and told her about new job. I was never lazy. I worked very hard with my own company. I was just so depressed when my company went out of business. Couldn't even get off the couch for the first year. Second year I started to make some progress. Didn't realize I had depression so severe for those two years until recently when I talked with my current counselor.

My W is hurting from the outside stresses we have endured from the past two years. It makes me so sad. I wish I could help her. I've always been a fixer.

W is acting so strange. She was even willing to make some very poor financial decisions until I tried to talk some sense into her. I can't understand her thought process.

We had such great love for each other. We had just gone on vacation in Sept. and I thought we had a wonderful time. She later told me she didn't but I don't believe her...believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do, right?

I've had a coaching session with Laurie (in addition to my own IC) which was very helpful. She gave me some very helpful tips.

I don't want to do anything to push my W further away. I think the idea of an email to update my W is a great idea but maybe I should wait a few more weeks first? I definitely don't talk about the past. I've stopped the begging, pleading, etc.

This has been my wake up call and I have taken this opportunity to make so many positive and permanent changes in my life. I can't imagine my life without my wonderful wife. She is my best friend.

I just wish that she would give me time to show her my changes are real and trust me again. I know that actions and not words make the difference. I more than willing to put in all of my efforts. I hope my W will see this and eventually join me in working on our marriage.

Thank you for your support. It helps more than you know. I'm sorry for all of us in these situations and wish nothing but the best outcome for everyone. Let's all keep hope alive and continue to try. Also be patient, which is the hardest part for me.

Lotus, I searched for Dia's thread but couldn't find it. I must not be very good with the search function. Do you have a link to the thread? Thank you.

[mza8]

W emailed me last night telling me she is taking her name off joint accounts for our bills today. She's been saying that for over a month now but I guess today is the day. She also wants to meet this week to discuss dividing our things. W also asked if I wanted to schedule a joint counseling session with my IC to discuss our separation and divorce to bring closure. Wish me happy new year and holiday and hoped I was well. What? Is she serious? Hope I am well?

We've only been seprated for a little over two months and she continues to move away from our marraige so fast. I don't get it.

She is reconnecting with about 20 old high school friends through FB for the past couple of weeks. Could this be a sign of MLC?

She seems so confident on her decision to end the marraige as she is moving so quickly. If I continue NC will she ever come back to reality? I'm hoping her heart will soften and she will see what a huge mistake she is making.

She emailed earlier yesterday and I didn't reply. Her email last night was a bit more aggravated, probably because I didn't contact her back right away. I feel like ignoring her email and continue NC. I know she will probably continue to email me and probably call me about these things she wants.

Wouldn't it be good that she start to show some anger? I feel like she has been in fantasy land since she has left and this fantasy world she has created is so perfect in her mind. I'm thinking that maybe some anger on her part might actually bring her back to reality adn show some honest emotions?

Any advice?

[soleil]

Hi MZA,

Welcome to the board (and sorry you find yourself here).

I am a WAW so my responses will be from that POV:

Hello
I said that I want to fight for our marriage. I said that I hope that she would consider MC with me.

Good. You have let her know that you are willing to do anything to save the marriage. She knows you are open to it so she is thinking about it, trust me. In the meantime, continue IC on your own.

I realize she may need to see this consistency for a while first and that’s fine.

Yes, she will. So continue doing what you are doing to better yourself.

They also told me that my wife has no bad feelings towards me and wishes the best for me. I really dislike that comment. How can you wish the best for your husband when you left them?

It's entirely possible. It's be awful to wish ill will upon your spouse, IMO.

Do most WAW go this fast to and take these steps in such a short amount of time? Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation?

In my experience, the WAS didn't just decide to leave overnight. Personally, when I look back on my sitch, the issues started well over a year before I made the move, and became worse and worse over time. From what I've read, "they" (the experts/studies) say the same...the person who leaves has somewhat already detached themself from the relationship because they've known for awhile the situation isn't working. When you think back, did she ever say or do anything that gave you an indication that there was a problem. You mentioned that for 2 years she'd been telling you about the job issue.

Does this mean there is no hope for reconciliation? I feel like dividing our things just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage.

I believe there is still hope for R. And the reason is because you have taken activ steps to improve yourself, have sought out IC, meds, gotten a job, and TOLD HER that you are willing to fight for your M. That speaks volumes and shows that you genuinely care. I am really pulling for you in this sitch.

[mza8]

soleil, thank you for your help. Hearing your POV helps me try to understand what my own W might be thinking now. When you separated from your H did you tell him that you wanted to end the marriage even though you might have wanted to work on the marriage? I'm curious because my W only says she wants to divorce but I don't know if she is looking for changes in me to think about reconsidering.

My W texted me again this morning to see if I received her emails yesterday about taking her name of the bills and scheduling a joint counseling session to bring closure to the marriage. She also called me and left a voice mail this evening to say the same. She wants to go to counseling to help me understand why she wants a divorce. Said this will help me. All of a sudden she has contacted me four times in the past two days. I haven't heard from her in the past three weeks. I still have not contacted her back yet. I feel exhausted from all of this and I don't want to respond to her until I can think clearly. Trying to set some boundaries.

Still don't understand how after 19 years together my W wants to end our wonderful marriage and not work on it...not even try? Again, no huge issues as I see it. Nothing that can't be fixed.

Sandi2 and others, any tips are appreciated. Thanks for the support during this difficult time.

[mza8]

Feel lost and don't know what to do?