There is no e-mail, text in print, photo graphs or anything.. he and she can simply deny it is an affair. It's her word against theirs.
There are a few things worse than knowing your spouse is having an affair
1. Knowing your spouse is having an affair AND no one BELIEVING you when you try to expose 2. Knowing your spouse is having an affair AND having no recourse (finances, OP is single, etc)
I wont' argue much about 1 and 2, they should be obvious. My efforts here are to avoid #1 happening here.
Get some material evidence, an eye-witness account from the BS is not evidence.
take photos or get a friend to watch and confirm for you.
Denial is a VERY popular defence when confronted... Michele points this out in her book.
Id call OWH asap...He may already know, suspecting it, considering contacting you. Im sure he has evidence to support you.
In my sitch, I did not contact OMW immediately because I thought their fling was over. Well guess who contacted me? She did, and we've worked together ever since. She has said she wished I had contacted her immediately and I regret that I never did.
One of the most amazing lies I ever heard from xw was that I wasnt dealing with this with any maturity and that OMW was acting like it was no big deal and that their marriage was over anyways. Well, XW was being lied to by OM, and OMW was not dealing with this well at all.
I've really thought about this a lot today about telling the OWH first. I contacted a very good guy friend of mine and asked him how he would feel if a woman came to him and gave him the info. He said he would like proof, not just my own eyes. I was with a friend so I do have an eye witness. But my guy friend’s very valid concern is that we don't know OWH. And he worries that as far as we know this man can be violent and attack his W or my H which I want neither to happen. I think it would be different if I knew this man. But I have never met him in my life. I still believe that he deserves to know, but I don't want to be the one who tells him. I could never forgive myself if something bad became of me telling him.
I really do feel very in control of my emotions right now. I needed to know for my own mental health, and honestly everyone (family & friends) already think he is having an affair. Therefore, I don't think I'll have the problem of no one believing me.
I don’t even planning on using this A against him in a D. Knowing that I’m not crazy and not feeling like our separation was my entire fault anymore has helped me so much. I know what I did to push him away and was carrying that quilt, but ultimately it was his choice to have an A and he will have to own that quilt and stop trying to turn that around on me. Therefore, I want to expose the A in the calmest way possible. I know I have it in me to forgive him, but if he still wants out, I’m ok with that too, knowing what I know now.
I have decided against threatening to tell OWH, if they don’t within 24-48 hours. Therefore, I need advice on what to say when I do decide to expose it. NOTE: I am reviewing puppydogtail’s post as much as I can.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If you are concerned for your husband's safety then you SHOULD tell the OWH. If YOU tell the guy its safer than OWH CATCHING YOUR HUSBAND with his WIFE.
Believe me the safest thing to do is get this out in the open FAST. The problem is affairs are highly addictive and H may just deny its happening and YOU will have TWICE as hard a time getting proof...
Right NOW they don't know you KNOW, so they are going to be sloppy... ONCE you confront they will be a LOT more careful.
You need to get OWH on your side. If you can get a photo of the affair happening that's best... Hire a PI if you can afford it.
I honeslty would tell the OWH safely rather than risking your husband getting caught in the ACT...
Do some detective work on teh OWH... find out what kind of person he is if you can...
Go meet him and pretend its an accident.. if he's a dentist, make an appointment or something.
Its hard to offer more advice since we don't know your H, but many will deny it OR will admit it, but refuse to stop...
Michel's DR book explains this part well.
Not Just Friend's is by far the best text in my opinion.
But i would NOT let this go on much longer.. but you need OWH on your side here...
If you think just telling your H outright willg et him to stop and that's it then do it, but practice has shown this isn't the response very often...
More often its
1. Denial OR... 2. Admitting the affair but refusing to stop
YOU COULD Confront the OW in her HOME... take your daughter with you for some influence... if they see you have kids you will get taken far more seriously.
Tell her and OWH that you love your husband and youw ould just like this to stop.. quickly and quietly...
Going THAT route may have more impact that confronting your H.
If you can get some emails and print them up to take with you do that... get some material proof or they will possibly deny this is happening and you will feel worse than you do now.. You need to proove it somehow.
Simply confronting him is good. You don't have to tell the world. Just letting him know that he is not fooling you, is a good first step. You can decide whether to do anything more afterwards.
