I agree that no one is that strong, but at the time I become so obsessed with saving my M that I couldn't handle anything else. It was not healthy. I would still like to save my marriage, but I know I can no longer obsess about it. I just need to take it one day at a time and hope for the best but expect the worse. No more pursing, calling, texting, etc. It's been hard this last couple of weeks, but the temptation is getting weaker.
I'm going to work on myself, for myself and focus on being a good mom. No longer focus on my H and his drama.
This is very healthy for you mb.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Allen is right. The longer the possible D is delayed the more their "romance" will sour. What type of integrity does she have- she wants him to "take" the children from you and is pushing for an immediate D right after the worst event in your life. Oh wow, she's a peach, isn't she.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't have a L yet and I don't plan on getting one until I'm served D papers.
This OW is a gem isn't she. I truly believe that my H will see right through her some day and regret everything that he has done.
Another thing that has helped me these last few days is that I realized that my H is suffering too. Don't get me wrong, I think he is the one that is causing his own suffering right now and he can't see that. That is one reason I think he is pushing for the D, in his mind he thinks all his pain and guilt will go away. So for me having a little sympathy for his pain, has helped me to not hold onto so much anger.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
And mb28 I really would strongly suggest you read Chapter 1 of Divorce Remedy "The Divorce Trap"
MWD makes it VERY clear that divorce will not make anything any better and often makes things worse, you really need to read that chapter.
I think he believes his guilt and shame will dissappear after he divorces... that will not happen either.
I would in any exchange refer to it as him "Divorcing your family". He seems to just think he's divorcing YOU.. when you divorce, you break up an entire family.
I any exchange your support team should tell him he's "Divorcing his family". He seems to just think he's divorcing YOU.. when you divorce, you break up an entire family.
Keep busy, don't talk to WH, keep that support team of yours actively protesting and on his case as much as you can...
"Another thing that has helped me these last few days is that I realized that my H is suffering too. Don't get me wrong, I think he is the one that is causing his own suffering right now and he can't see that. That is one reason I think he is pushing for the D, in his mind he thinks all his pain and guilt will go away. So for me having a little sympathy for his pain, has helped me to not hold onto so much anger."
Compassion is a good thing. As you can see, it will help you move your focus off of him and onto yourself. This is his drama, his chaos. One word of advice: Don't try to convince him yourself. You cannot reason with the irrational.
"This OW is a gem isn't she. I truly believe that my H will see right through her some day and regret everything that he has done."
He will! Not as long as he has you to blame however. He needs tocome to this realization himself. I have read here lots of times where FWS says "one day, it just hit me" how crazy this all was.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Yup, MWD puts a very good stern warning about the myths of divorce in DR, BUT I don't think people having affairs really are gonig to absorb much of it...
Consequences and actually SEEING the HURT and DAMAGE they are causing seems to be one of the few things that have much impact.
mb28, I beg you to see a L. You don't have to tell anyone, but you need some basic information, especially if your H wants to take your children from you. Your actions or inactions may have consequences that you regret later. You're going through a difficult crisis and I know it's hard to take action on things like this, but it is part of protecting yourself.
I've witnessed the process of recovering from a suicide attempt. It doesn't happen overnight. You need to be very gentle with yourself and set boundaries with people who have different agendas than you. For example, going to that class last night wasn't really about your wellness...and it sounds like it may have been depressing.
You've seen that affair-busting can turn into an unhealthy obsession for you. Perhaps you could start a new thread in the Newcomers forum to encourage input from more folks who can support you in your journey towards wellness? In that thread you could also let people know how they can support you.
(((mb)))
Last edited by flowmom; 03/23/1009:07 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
And mb28 I really would strongly suggest you read Chapter 1 of Divorce Remedy "The Divorce Trap"
MWD makes it VERY clear that divorce will not make anything any better and often makes things worse, you really need to read that chapter.
Allen, I know that you mean well, I really do. I think that mb is all too aware of the down side of D. But the reality is that she may have to take a break from aggressive DBing in order to get grounded within herself. She has to focus on what she can control right now...and that does not include D, H, or OW.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have never posted to you but have been following your sitch. I did bust my divorce but it took a while. He wanted to file from the beginning - in fact his OW filed and was divorced in 6 mos flat b/c she thought she had him.
Ask him to wait to file - if he is so sure that's the correct way how can three or six months matter. I told this to my H - I asked him to move into an apt and we truly lived as if separated. I needed to give him a taste of single life and what it would do to our kids. The kids HATED the apt, did not want to go but we made them. He is a great dad and it was really hard on him to tuck them in only part time.
His OW was so pressuring him to file that she ultimately hung herself. When he did file he found he still had the pain - their pain is NOT us - it is having to live with what they know is morally against their core, against what they are made up of.
So take the high road - focus on making yourself ALL THAT YOU CAN BE! Let him try the part time dad thing.
I was always compassionate to him in the 18 mos he was being a dumba** (we still use this term). It was not until I dropped the rope and really started preparing my life without him that he started coming around. Let the OW pressure him - and she will.
My argument was we have been married 16 yrs and you want me to throw it all away in 6 mos - if it's truly meant to happen than how can waiting X amount of months really make that big of a difference.
Start focusing on YOU and making your life the best it can be - with or without him! You cannot control him or his drama (we used to call it the VORTEX)...You can control your life and your goals!
HB- not so much anymore
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
