What to do on VD day depends on what stage you are in. If you are in full blown WAS mode with little to no contact then any gift is pursuing. I like the ideas of doing something with your kids, helping someone else or GAL for you.
The first stage of reconciliation is getting rid of negative feelings. So unless you are having consistent positive interactions then stick with the advice above.
Second stage is becoming friends again. Here I would do something that shows you understand who your spouse is - 5LLs, music they would enjoy, a book, fix something around the house, etc. A gift that shows you have more than a business connection with them. A gift that shows a emotional connection but not romantic. Show them you understand them and that they matter to you.
Third stage is re-igniting the romance. If you are in Newcomers then you aren't here.
For the curious the fourth stage is re-commiting. The is when you both have the marriage you honestly wanted.
Coach I think I can speak for many of us LBSs and thank you for a thorough reply that covers so many different sitchs. I too had this question in my mind, especially since W and I are talking about taking a family trip with the kids that weekend. W and I are in stage 2, barely, there are still negative feelings but we are friends again but are not romantic at all. So this is perfect for me.
Your advice is valued highly by anyone who has spent some time reading these boards, thanks for taking the time on what is a tough question for many of us
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
You can all say what you want about paying attention to V day as not meaning anything to her. But I guarantee you, if you do nothing, she will really hate you! Now, maybe that is what you want, if so, so be it. But if it's not what you want, I say, buy a da*m box of candy or a dozen roses at the supermarket. It's not that much skin off your nose. Especially if the kids are watching (which they are). You can say that it is for all your sweethearts, and just refer to the whole family.
My W won't hate me for not getting a gift on V-day, I think she would realize why. However...you hit on an excellent point: my kids ARE watching and have no idea their parents are on the brink of a divorce, so that is a major concern of mine.
Ok. Since you are on the brink for divorce. You buy nothing. Seriously. Do you think the kids are going to remember a box of chocolates or the fact that your spouse is leaving.
LBS Fog. That is all this is.
So here are your choices for those who's spouses are leaving.
1. Do nothing. Mute point. Need to worry about the marriage falling apart instead of these little distractions. Cause Anything I buy is pursuing. Why remind the spouse again that they have no feelings for me. Case closed 30 seconds of thoughts
Or
2. Spend 2 weeks going over and over in my head what should I get spouse. This could turn it around. Show them how nice I am and how much I love them. Its got to be perfect. Not to mushy but not cold at the same time. Man what to do. This is so difficult. I will hide the meaning of it by including < insert , kids , dog , cat , turtle >. I hope they like it.
I know what option I picked.
#1
And last time I looked #1 is me.
Go spend that 50 dollars on something worth while.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
p.s. its a good way to break the following rules of plan A.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 30.Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Coach mentioned the 5 Love languages. For some that might be crucial to do before Valentines day...especially if your WAS's love anguage isnt gifts.
I got my SO to take the quiz in the back of the 5LL book, and she scored 0 on the gifts questions. So getting her a gift is unlikely to do anything for her under any circumstances/occasion.
This es especially so since I'm somewhere between situations 1 and 2 on Coachs list. By V-day I might be in #2...but only if I can avoid any pursing between now and then. I would have been there already but I've kept slipping.
I would say if the situation is tense and theres frequent arguments, dont do anything. If it's somewhat positive, a card to let your WAS know you remembered might be in order but be sure it's not filled with "lovey-dovey" stuff as my SO would put it.
I'm going to give my SO a card from our daughter, and I also have a card for her thats complimentary but non-emotional, but I will hold off til closer to V-day to decide if I'm going to give it to her. I'd say outside of that, a family lunch might be the only other thing I may consider...but even that could be a pursuit unless she suggests it.
I have friends who are having a VD get together. I am invited, X is not.
At this point of the year, I am awash in "this time last year we..." and that is truly sucking.
I am fine going to the VD potluck; better to be with friends even if they are all coupled up.
What's hard is as the months pass, I am running into more and more of how wonderful it was just this time last year. Why, I had just bought a new car, and he kept proudly referring to it as "our" car buying experience. Etc. Etc.
Well, VD will be over soon, and then there's not a lot of stupid holidays to get through.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Those are the basic rules of DB'ing. I have followed them all, but WAH is way too happy w new GF.
Is my fighting him on the house, and saying "I'm not ready to talk about it" make it look like I haven't moved on?? If I were moved on, would I care if they moved into the house together?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
It's killing me. I feel like I am close to a breakthrough to her. We are "dating" and if I don't take her out on Valentine's day the date night of the yr then I am screwed. But like I said, I only feel like I am close to a breakthrough, the reality is thee is most likely no love yet and thus, sharing valentine's day with her is a sham.
Second stage is becoming friends again. Here I would do something that shows you understand who your spouse is - 5LLs, music they would enjoy, a book, fix something around the house, etc. A gift that shows you have more than a business connection with them. A gift that shows a emotional connection but not romantic. Show them you understand them and that they matter to you.
Third stage is re-igniting the romance. If you are in Newcomers then you aren't here.
Im definitely in Stage 2. We are friends again. I read your sitch last night Coach. My wife wants to go on dates. She actually shows interest in making this work just doesn't want to talk about it. I guess it will simply be a heartfelt gift. Something that says connection but not love. Thanks for the advice.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
What to do on VD day depends on what stage you are in. If you are in full blown WAS mode with little to no contact then any gift is pursuing. I like the ideas of doing something with your kids, helping someone else or GAL for you.
The first stage of reconciliation is getting rid of negative feelings. So unless you are having consistent positive interactions then stick with the advice above.
Second stage is becoming friends again. Here I would do something that shows you understand who your spouse is - 5LLs, music they would enjoy, a book, fix something around the house, etc. A gift that shows you have more than a business connection with them. A gift that shows a emotional connection but not romantic. Show them you understand them and that they matter to you.
Third stage is re-igniting the romance. If you are in Newcomers then you aren't here.
For the curious the fourth stage is re-commiting. The is when you both have the marriage you honestly wanted.
Coach I think I can speak for many of us LBSs and thank you for a thorough reply that covers so many different sitchs. I too had this question in my mind, especially since W and I are talking about taking a family trip with the kids that weekend. W and I are in stage 2, barely, there are still negative feelings but we are friends again but are not romantic at all. So this is perfect for me.
Your advice is valued highly by anyone who has spent some time reading these boards, thanks for taking the time on what is a tough question for many of us
Gut...you definitely speak for me...I heartily agree. MANY thanks to Coach and everyone else who weighed in on this.
I am in between stage 1 and stage 2 so I decided to do this: I ordered a Valentines Cookie arrangement addressed to "Mommy" from "Daddy, Hannah and Ryan". That feels about right to me.
Good luck to my fellow LBS's and I wish us all HOPE and STRENGTH through Valentines Day and beyond in the New Year!
