My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Wow, am I beyond frustrated. Where do I begin...My husband and I have been married 7 years. In September 09 my husband told me he hasn't been happy for two years...I know this is true & have noticed him being unhappy...How could he not be unhappy, his father (He had a very strong connection/relationship with him) passed away 2.5 years ago & he has become increasingly frustrated with feeling like he hasn't accomplished a career and is a failure in general. He really has little or no self-esteem. So September 09 rolls around & he tells me he is unhappy & we have "nothing in common" and we should maybe be divorced. Ouch. He left & ended up staying with a friend. He was gone about two & half weeks & we were in contact during that time but I did all of the usual wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. I asked if there was someone else & he said "no". When I did see him he was just uncomfortable & agitated most of the time & it was for just short periods. He did come home after the initial two weeks & he confessed that he did love me & he was wrong & home for good. Great! Well, less that two weeks later he was in and out of the house at weird times and staying out late. I really sensed he was seeing someone...he denied it. He did eventually go stay at his Mom's house. We were in contact but he always seemed irritated w/me and I still suspected he was talking to another woman. He admitted talking to another woman but that she was a friend and she knows he is married. I talked with his Mom around this time & she said that she didn't know what was wrong with him & that she told him to not make any rash desisions or say something he might regret, but she thought he might have depression/anxiety (she is a nurse after all & it runs in the family) Pretty good Mom advice I thought.
In the beginning of November he asks me to come over to his Mom's because he is "having a hard day". I arrived & he was overly emotional and sobbing. He was upset at himself for acting the way he was and wasn't sure why he was trying to ruin our marriage. He came back to our house & was "depressed" for the next week or so. He did tell me that the OW I suspected was correct & that he wasn't sure how he let her weasle her way into his life. He said that it wasn't a physical relationship. He did ask me to block her number on his cell phone. A week later he unblocked it and was calling her again. He began staying at his Mom's & talking/texting w/her continually through early December. Until again he breaks down sobbing & is all emotional & isn't sure what is happening, he thinks maybe he is depressed but he isn't sure again why he is acting or doing what he is doing or what he is feeling. He stays home again for a few days & then he is back at his Mom's, calling/texting and seeing the OW He did come home a few days before Christmas and stayed until Christmas Day night, he left again after texting with the OW....he then stays at his mom's house again until early January. He comes home in early January and asks if I can ever forgive him and that he is upset at himself for ruining my Christmas, New Years and Christmas break. But... you guessed it. Three days later he left again and stayed at his Mom's until the end of January. During this crazy time when he does come home and appologize, physical contact (ie: kissing, hugging, sex) is ok. But when he leaves and is talking/texting the other woman that behavior all of a sudden wasn't good and was misleading and wrong and shouldn't have happened.

In the middle of January I found Michelle's Dbing website and I set up a session with a coach and was very motiviated after my session. I read most of Divorce Remedy and I feel like my husband is going through some depression/anxiety but most likely a really early MLC. He is only 33, but the way he is acting and the fact that he is so upset with himself and loosing his father, I just can't help but think it is a MLC. I am by far not perfect, but I think this is mostly about him and not me. He has told me that it isn't me, it is him. He has told me that I am perfect and that he married "up" and he is holding me back becasue he feels like he is a looser. He is also acting like a WAS...actually he is just so confusing. His reasons and excuses have changed many times.

He did tell me on Jan 19th (Tuesday) that he thought he should file for divorce. I told him that I thought if he needed to he should. I couldn't stop or tell him what to do. I told him my life would be great with or without him, hopefully with him though. I think that got him thinking... I went "dark" for the next four days and only responded if he initiated a text message. He was in contact all of those days..and he asked how I was doing and I told him I was "fine" and I think he was confused by my response. We spent time together on Sunday and had sex... I asked later if he felt that it shouldn't of happened and if he had guilty feelings as he had before. He said "no"...hmm, things seem different. Two days later I was at a movie and he stopped by the house (he texted wanting to know where I was)...again different behavior from him. Two days later again he comes by after work unannounced. He fell asleep on the couch and came to our bed at 2 in the morning and cuddled with me instead of sleeping on the edge of his side. He stayed three nights and then one at his moms and now the last two at our house. Things have definately changed. I believe he is still in contact with the OW but it seems to be that it is limited contact, I think she has pushed him away. I know from past text, emails that I have seen, he is pushing her to be in a relationship and she is feeling pressured...The whole thing seems pretty high school plus the OW is 10 years younger and is leaving for school on the opposite side of the country in 3 months. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a long distance relationship with a divorcee who is 10 years older. It is almost like my husband is addicted to the feeling of hanging around her or talking to her and again from the stuff I have seen it is a complete infactuation he has of her..... I was out last night when he called to say he was coming home (I did not expect him to come home, I was shocked that this could happen again). He was upset and irritated and said he was going to his mom's. I told him I was on my way home and he should come to our house. He did come home, but he was cranky and just plain tired from working...He slept in our bed but wasn't at home when I called at lunch. He was again cranky sounding. I think he is seeing the OW today. He took money out of the bank (which he does so i don't know where he spends money) and it is pretty typical of him to act cranky at me if he is meeting her and not respond to the text I sent him. He really isn't very sneaky and good at hiding things and shouldn't be a secret agent. I still love him though and I just want him to come out of this fog/emotional affair infatuation....Oh just last week he sent her some stupid flower practically begging her to forgive him and that he was sorry. I'm not sure what he did, but again, very high school sounding if you ask me. I think she just enjoys hanging out with him (because he is a fun person)and he buys her dinner.

I would love words of advice or thoughts if someone has the time or desire. Mostly I am just venting as I have been on this roller coaster for four months and really feel like the communication between him and the other woman has decreased drastically...yet I am pretty sure he is meeting her today. The saying "two steps forward one step back" really applys here!

M 33
H 33
Together 13 years
Married 7 years
No kids
1 dog

[trytryagain]

wow. that is quite a story. i am relatively new to this site and i'm sure those who have been around longer will have much more solid advice, but my first suggestion would be to set up some boundaries with your husband...all this in and out and staying with you and staying with him mom and back and forth is enough to make ANYONE depressed. it's not helping you and it's certainly not helping him. but he shouldn't be free to stay or go as he pleases...read the thread on boundaries and re-read the chapter in divorce remedy about setting up your goals and then working towards them.

i also would advice that you not let him come in, sleep with you, be intimate with you, only to leave again the next day or a few days later. that just lets him know that you are always available to him whenever he needs it and he should know that is NOT the case.

read other people's threads, too...there is so much insightful advice here, you'll wonder how you ever functioned without it!

[Gardener]

snc,
It is late, I am about to log off, so I just skimmed. Will read it all and get back to you tomorrow as will many others. Read a lot of posts. Read Quotes Found On Divorce Busting II near the top of this NewComers List. Get Divorce Remedy. Be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Be hopeful. There are truly wonderful, generous, giving, insightful people on this board.
Listen to them.

[awest1217]

Nicole,

I read your post on Lucky's page and I feel for you. If you ever have a chance to read my sitch, briefly, my H has had emotional affairs on and off for the last 10 years. We have been married for 4 so this has been a continual thing since we have been dating and on. Actually, I found out, it was going on the whole time we have been together with I would say about 6 different women through that time.

H needs to see a counselor. This OW is probably helping him have a fantasy world where he can get away from real life. It is his way of self medicating. He has this fantasy world with OW and when he realizes what he is doing feels bad, comes back, but then all the pressures return and he leaves again to get his fix instead do dealing with the issues. The best place to start is some type of counseling. It sounds like your MIL understands the situation and feels he has depression so maybe she can be some help in talking with H so it isn't coming from you. Definitely read as much as you can about how to handle and talk to depressed people so you can get some strategies of how to talk to H without being accusatory.

This is a horrible situation and being on this site helps a lot because there are a lot of people here who have been through this and can give advice. Stay strong and get a good support group who will support your decision to hold on to your marriage because you will need that support. It takes a while for things to get better, but stick to it and you will find the strength you need in the strangest places.

[pearlharbr]

Nicole, how do you feel about being there for him and allowing him full access to you, your home and your life while he is having an affair with another woman?

I ask because I remember feeling totally conflicted when I was told by my DB coach to ignore the affair and be his friend. That approach left me miserable and shattered my self-esteem (what was left after learning about the affair). And it didn't do anything to end my BF's affair.

I highly recommend reading this thread on the The Gandhi Approach.

And as Puppy likes to point out, cheating spouses usually confess to one level lower to what they've actually done. If your H has admitted to an EA it is most likely a PA as well. If you continue to have sex with him (which I do not recommend) then please insist on using protection.

[Lucky11too]

Hey Nicole,
I'll reply on here instead of on your original post to me. I am sorry you find yourself on here, but this is a great place to start. Keep posting and venting here so that you don't explode on your H instead, and so that you can get some good feedback from a outside 3rd party. So yes, keep posting your sitch here.

Regarding the specifics on your sitch, I agree with what the others have said above. It is extremely lucky that you don't have any kids that are getting thrown into this mix, but it is still not healthy for you to have him coming in and out of the house as he feels like. That would be a first boundary to set. Basically, "I love you and I want you to be home with me, but don't come home unless you plan on staying here". You'll also need to address the depression. I've unfortuantely had a lot of experience with it now with my H, and it has to be addressed or it will continue to destroy your M. Have you talked with him about getting help yet? He seems like he knows that he has a problem and doesn't understand it. I know when my H finally got help (although he didn't want to for so long), it was very relieving to him b/c he finally understood. Obvious, that's just the start of a long journey to overcome depression (or MLC), but you have to start somewhere. For you, start reading everything you can about being the spouse of a depressed person. I read some great books that I'll look up the names on when I get home. It takes a lot of strength on your end as well to help them thru it. Lastly, you'll need to set a boundary on the OW. Make sure to read the section on infidelity in DR for some good suggestions. To make it work with you, he really needs to go cold turkey with OW. As Awest has done, which is the best for you and your self confidence, it's best to say, I want you to come home, but do not come back if you want to continue R with OW. He must be learn sacrifice (and yes, letting so of OW is a "sacrifice" for them) if you want your R to work. But definitely read that infidelity section. EA and PA are a huge part of most of the issues on here, so I'm sure others will have some great ideas as well.

Obviously these are all easier to say then to do, but you just need to learn to find yourself and your own inner strength and he will see that confidence. You have to get your own life while he figures out his so that you can become a better you no matter how it turns out with H. Good luck and keep posting!

[nicole8]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful words of advice.....I am struggling with what I need to do. Part of me wants to go talk to his Mom about his depression. I know she thinks he is depressed, it is so obvious in so many ways. However, the DB counselor I spoke with said I shouldn't go talk with his Mom. He needs a "safe zone" and a place he can go to. I can't be more excited that if he isn't going to be at home, that he goes to his Mom's. I love her, but she will annoy and get on my husbands nerves at some point.

He has been over at his Mom's again for the last 3 nights. I spoke to him once, texted a couple of times yesterday. Today I have ignored him completely. I have decided I am not going to initiate any contact with him at all. It is obviously not worth my time and energy to be treated this way and until he can show more respect I am going to be VERY distant and do more of my own things.

I am fairly certain that he is talking with the OW again. I also really think that Awest hit the nail right on the head in that my husband is self-medicating by having a fantasy life, feels bad, comes home and then gets stressed out by the "real world" all without facing any of his issues.... This is exactly what I have thought for so long now and I am actually relieved to see someone else sees it the same way.

The funny thing is that the OW is leaving for school in May. She will be on the other side of the country. What kind of reality is this? Does he really think she won't meet someone her own age???? Such a weird world the depressed person lives.

The one other thing I am having a lot of trouble with is....GAL. I really enjoy being at our home and I really enjoy spending time here. I really need to try more with this...any thoughts or ideas? I was actually thinking of taking up running. It can't be more painful than being home alone in an empty house. Thank God for my dog. I love him so much.

Again, thank you everyone for caring thoughts. I really appreciate it.

[rr22]

Don't get back with him if he doesn't get longterm therapy and not just meds. He needs to understand WHY he did this so he does not do it when he gets depressed again. Meds can help for a time but since depression supposedly recurs in life when people get off meds, meds stop working, or they have stressors, you need him to understand and have a coping action plan in place for when he gets depressed in the future. Otherwise every time he gets depressed he is going to go on a mania of trying to fill his void with flirting or whatever. Also, in the future, it could turn into an affair because do it often enough and you will find someone not moving across the country for school who wants a H and IS willing to take you up on it.

[nicole8]

So today my husband came by so we could move stuff out of the basement for the carpet install tomorrow (yes we have been in the middle of a remodel during this whole ordeal). He wasn't aggitated or irritated with me as he has been in the past when he has stayed away from home. He was definately down and gloomy.

We finished our project rather quickly and worked well together. He sat down on the couch and played with the dog for a few seconds. I asked him how he was feeling and he said he didn't know. I also asked him why he all of a sudden decided to not come home on Friday. He said because "I avoid talking about our relationship"....I told him that his running over to his moms everytime things get stressful or hard is "avoiding talking about the relationship". He didn't say anything really at all except that he has no motivation.

I asked if he could come over for dinner on Thursday and he said "yes"...we'll see if he really does. I know that I said I wasn't going to talk with him unless he initiated. However, I really feel that spending some time together can only be good.

He did give me a kiss on the cheek when he left. I sort of get the feeling that the OW is rejecting or ignoring him and that is why he seems so gloomy/sad. Who knows though.

[awest1217]

That is definitely true about OW. My H would always be down and very upset when him and OW were in a fight, which made me mad because S and I only see him once a week so why does he have to pout over OW during that time.

I know you are at the beginning stages, but it really is good to let him make contact. You don't want him to come home just because OW is ignoring him, and then him to leave again when she misses him. You need to take control of your life, otherwise he will keep going back and forth for forever.