If he thinks you need to talk about the relationship then what is the problem with that?
Next time he brings it up ask him what he wants to talk about...
Do you know that the most successful salemen are the ones who talk the least when speaking with a potential customer?
Think about that..
The key is that when he wants to talk about the relationship is to LET HIM TALK. Of course you need to be in the conversation, but again.... Say your pieces. short and sweet. Few words, but to the point. don't go on and on and on.. Let HIM go on and on and on. Be a listener.
Ask open ended questions...."What do you mean by that?"
Then let him go on and on and on about what he meant...
Then you say.. "oh, ok, that makes sense"
Pick your battles and when it comes to being a motor mouth. Most all of us have that problem of when to shut up.
I catch myself going on and on and on to my wife sometimes.. I then say to her..
"There I go again. Being a know it all"
She then says to me.. "Yes, but you are MY know it all"
See how that is done on both parts? HUMOR It works... Learn to be the one to say you are talking too much and learn how to answer the person that says they are talking too much...
He thinks we need to talk about our relationship. But I don't think talking is going to accomplish much except blaming one another. I think we need to live together, spend time together doing fun things and be open and honest.
More to my point... Read your above quote.. Read it again..
You said that he thinks "we" need to talk about the relationship... I don't want to hurt your feelings, but did you notice that you only told me what YOU thought "we" needed? What did you understand from HIM that HE thought "we" needed?
You cannot force the connection...it cannot go back to the way it was overnight. I don't know what the 'magic' bullet is because I am still in the same boat as you..but I am going to try the baby step method. I want to be able to talk about anything other than our R woes with my H right now..we need to learn to be friends again. I don't think we are going to have a 'game changing' conversation..I think that this will need to be a gradual process...very very slow.
I think this is an amazing quote, lola! Well said!
Nicole8, if I could just throw my 2 cents in here, I would hesitate to ask your H to move back in just yet. You have been taking some amazing DB steps in your approach to him, and you are seeing some movement in your relationship. My fear for you is that this will be too much, too soon for your H and he will back off quickly. I don't want to see you loose all that hard-fought ground that you have gained. I would encourage you to keep the course and not mention moving back in just yet. Allow your H to lead the pace on that conversation. You are doing so well...I think lola's advice on baby steps is excellent for you right now!
I know people on this site that have been baby stepping for over two years. They could have baby stepped from California to New York...
Even if she tells him she wants him to come home, it is an easy recovery if he balks or says no. (which I explained) It isn't weak if she does it and knows how to immediately back off or say ok if he says no or balks..
If he does say no, THEN it would be a perfect time for her to turn a 180 and leave him alone and let him come to her.
Remember.. HE TOLD HER that he would probably come home if she told him to. This is about seeing if this could be that baby step and seeing if what he said was true. This is a ONE TIME opeining for her and for him. She should never ask again. Never ask twice.
Lolas quote is excellent I agree. I am very hesitant to ask him to move back in. I still think I will tell him he can move back but it has to be HIS decision not mine. I don't think we are going to have a conversation that is relationship changing....especially with the ow around. Pretty sure he is still pursuing her. Even though his mom and brother both think he is being foolish. This is a roller coaster I have been on this ride with him before. Each time he comes home and doesn't fully give up the relationship with the ow. So how could we move forward in our relationship???? He really needs to make the decision. I can't....
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Lolas quote is excellent I agree. I am very hesitant to ask him to move back in. I still think I will tell him he can move back but it has to be HIS decision not mine. I don't think we are going to have a conversation that is relationship changing....especially with the ow around. Pretty sure he is still pursuing her. Even though his mom and brother both think he is being foolish. This is a roller coaster I have been on this ride with him before. Each time he comes home and doesn't fully give up the relationship with the ow. So how could we move forward in our relationship???? He really needs to make the decision. I can't....
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I understand Gucci's POV...I guess I have been burned by this. After D-day numero uno...I forgave my H and wanted things to go back to normal as QUICKLY as possible..he wanted that too. We both were not ready. An important thing I learned during this nightmare is that you cannot make your H do anything he isn't ready for..and if the OW is not out of the picture...there is NO moving on...no matter what the H says. My H spoke like he wanted to move on D-day numero uno and dos..but OW was still in the picture...and still is. Now I am going to follow my gut instinct. I just feel it isn't time yet.
I just got word today that OW is finally leaving his office. This does not guarantee the A will end..but if he truly wants to move on..here is his opportunity to move on. For what it is worth, my H wants to come home at the end of April..I am holding off. Patience is a virtue. I am not rushing things this time. I need to FEEL he is ready...I dont want to only HEAR he is ready.
Do what you feel in this situation...but as I said before..I would prefer to be lonely alone..than lonely with someone else. If he is not fully there..why have him there?? Listen..I guess it comes down to what you feel inside. If you feel like there is a change in him..ask him to come home. I just caution you. You do not want him back in the house and not be fully back in your M. This will set your progress back.
and just one more thing to add to this...I would prefer my H emotionally and mentally in the M from a distance..than emotionally and mentally distant within our home. If he is not emotionally or mentally there..you can have J Lo's a**, Angelina Jolie's lips, and Pamela Anderson b**bs...swinging from the chandelier naked...he is still not there!!
My approach would be to get him on board mentally and emotionally...then everything else will fall into place...it won't be a question of IF he should come home..it will be a matter of how quickly he can get his stuff back in the house. IMO.
