I am with Lola. I was also burned by H saying he wanted to come home out of the blue. It didn't work. After two weeks he moved back out not because I hadn't changed, he said over and over how I had changed, but it made him feel guilty because he hadn't changed and was still only wanting OW. DR also talks about the overnight turn around and to be careful because it could turn back around just as quickly.
I say just wait a little longer. See if things emotionally continue to get closer and closer. I am not saying wait for forever, but as you know H is on a roller coaster ride. Make sure there isn't a huge down on its way that hits right when he comes home just to have him leave again.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Everyone makes such good points. I've been doing alot of thinking over the last day or so. I am really beginning to have alot of hate for my h. I am so sick and tired of the bs and just want to go on with my life. It upsets me what he is doing. Is he really throwing away our M for some girl who may or may not date him? I just don't get it. Why is he so confused and being so stupid??? Does he really want a d? If so, why hasn't he actually filed?
I feel like I am a total idiot for wanting our marriage to work. I know he thinks it could work....if he chose to be here. But NO he is at his mom's because he can have his secret life over there. I want to yell and scream at him about how stupid he is. Sometimes I wonder if I should just tell my h that I am going to date and see what he would say...would he even care? I think he would because I am the one he is going to fall back on.....maybe I'm wrong.
I am so excited to talk to db coach on Monday....I really need to get focused and figure out what I need to do. I really need to get a better mental attitude for sure.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I'll be very curious to see what DB coach has to say about your situation if you don't mind sharing it here. So many people on this board seem to have depressed wafflers.
I think you're doing as great and as patient as can be expected and you should give yourself a huge pat on the back. This situation IS incredibly stupid, and you are a very kind person to even consider putting up with it for a number of months while he potentially gets his sh-- together!
I spoke with my db coach today and feel a whole lot better. He affirmed that what I am doing is great and gave me a great perspective again of what my h is going through.
This really has nothing to do with me. That doesn't mean I am perfect, and I really don't want to be perfect anyway. I asked if it was bad that my h and I ml the other day. He said it isn't a bad thing at all, we are married and that is actually a very intimate thing in a marriage. However, I have to know to not take it for more than it is. Which I already know. H has been regretful in the past, but not this last time.
Anyway, the other thing he said is that my h is in a very emotional state now that he doesn't understand and is the only one who can make decisions right now and that he is moving towards a goal that he can't articulate. Umm, yes I agree with this. I think he has no clue what he is doing at all.
I can't change anything and can only be a better nicole. He also said that by going dark for a few days at a time isn't a bad thing. This doesn't mean I should ignore him if he contacts me, but just don't initiate contact. It will make my husband anxious and put a fear in him. Which isn't a bad thing for him to be anxious or upset about the choices he is making....
Also, when he was here the other day and I ask my h "if I told him to march into the house and stay here, would he?", and he said "probably". My db coach said that I shouldn't tell him what to do. He needs to make that decision on his own and he needs to win me and know that he could lose me. Makes sense to me. I'm not some mail order bride....I'm nicole. Totally awesome and worth winning.
This makes a lot of sense to me.... When I have gone dark for a few days at a time my h seems to panic and call. By doing this I think that he is fearing that maybe I don't care anymore. The fear I have is that if I don't call will he give up and say "well she doesn't care I might as well file for d". Maybe he will, maybe he won't. What do I really have to lose at this point....I mean really my m? It is already on the brink of complete failure.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
I am glad to hear that the DB coaching went well. You sound like you are in better spirits. I think you knew most of the stuff that the db coach told you...but I think it is important to have frequest reinforcement. It is so easy to forget all the good advice that you are given and all the stuff that you learn along the way. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the H craziness and your perception of your situation begins to get very distorted. This was a good way to re-center yourself.
yes, talking with the DB coach is like verbal yoga to re-center myself. I told my friend pretty much what you said. That I feel like what I am doing is right and being reminded is very helpful. I am definately in a better mood today.
I took the afternoon off work and hung out with a friend....so fun.
I'm currently working on a letter to give my h if he does decide to come home. I should have been working on this a long time ago....I was kind of hoping if I didn't do it I would need it. Sort of a mind trick I was playing on myself. I just need to get it done though.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Also, when he was here the other day and I ask my h "if I told him to march into the house and stay here, would he?", and he said "probably". My db coach said that I shouldn't tell him what to do. He needs to make that decision on his own and he needs to win me and know that he could lose me. Makes sense to me. I'm not some mail order bride....I'm nicole. Totally awesome and worth winning.
Ahhh, nicole8, I LOVE your spirit!! I am so very pleased that you had a good coaching session, that the insight your coach provided lined up with your own instincts and helped cut through the muddle of emotions, and that you are seeing yourself in such a positive light. Way to go!!
Nicole 8: Also, when he was here the other day and I ask my h "if I told him to march into the house and stay here, would he?", and he said "probably". My db coach said that I shouldn't tell him what to do. He needs to make that decision on his own and he needs to win me and know that he could lose me. Makes sense to me. I'm not some mail order bride....I'm nicole. Totally awesome and worth winning. smile
SO TRUE!
Don't be scared if you need to be dark for a few days. H's panic is also from his depression. You did not cause his depression and his refusal to alleviate the symptoms with meds. You have nothing to lose by allowing yourself some peace part of the week. He knows you're still there. Probably he is TOO secure in that.
ummm, yes the h is TOO secure in knowing that I am here waiting all of the time. I am going to see just how anxious and insecure he can get.... and if he will panic. We will see!
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Just be careful to not get your hopes up that he will respond with the panic that you want. I believe you need to go dark and agree with everything on here. I just don't want you to get down if H doesn't come running back home after not talking to you for days or weeks. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
