how can i cope with anger and sadness at him

[flossyfluff]

Hi all,
I'm new here. I have read many posts and need advice on how to cope witht he anger and sadness at my impending divorce. My H left me six months ago when I got pregnant which devastated me. I struggled to cope with sadness, depression and panic for four months. We were apart for two months and then lived together at his suggestion for two months but the strain was too much for me as he acted like a stranger and we lived as roommates. I then left as I was suffereing too much. It was not a reconciliation but a convenience thing for him because of the economics. I miscarried while away, and now he wants a divorce and doesn't want me in our marital home. I am still recovering from the horrible time I have had and he is pushing divorce papers at me. We are living apart and I have not seen him in a couple of months. I don't speak to him, only through email as it is very painful and his coldness and distance hurts. He has no sympathy or understanding that I am suffering still and has never comforted me abuyt the loss. He said he just wants to get divorced and move on. What should I do? There are amany unresolved issues that I need to address with him but he will not agree to anything else but just walking away and never talking to me again. He would prefer it if I didn't exist it seems. There was OW I suspect and that is the reason for his guilt as I was so depressed and unhappy while pregnant. What are my options? Any insight into his cold, unfeeling, uncaring behaviour? Thanks all

[luvless]

Hugs to you flossy (cute name)

I'm sorry you are here. My H is cold and uncaring too so I know how you are feeling. Do you have kids? How long married? We need to know a little bit more info.

First thing...STOP pursuing him...the more you do the more he'll pull away. It seems pretty awful that you were pregnant and he just blew you off like that..do you really want to be with him? Do you value yourself? You need to get the DB book and start getting a life. If you keep reading here you'll understand what that means.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through...be strong.

[Energizer Bunny]

I second what Luvless says. So sorry that you find yourself in this situation. What a hurtful place to be. You will find very understanding people here who have gone through much of the same things that you are dealing with.

More information on your relationship and situation would be helpful. Not pursuing is key for a couple of reasons. It seems to push the WAS further away for one. The other is just about maintaining self worth. Afterall, do you want to chase some who has treated you so poorly? Again, so sorry you're here. You will make it through this. There are a lot of us here to help.

[flossyfluff]

Thank you for your support Luvless and Energizer. We were married five years and have no children. Our marriage was up and down but we loved or at least I loved him and we weathered the ups and downs. One problem is his depression which he has and had before I met him. He was in therapy for anxiety and panic attacks. He generally has low self-esteem. He feels left out and different and wants to 'fit in' desperately. He envies others and feels like he has never fitted in anywhere. I thought he was going through a MLC around before he walked out. The living together after I had left was purely for financial reasons on his part.
I am taking a couple of months off since the new year to heal and then confront the monster D. He has absolutely no interest in saving the relationship or anything. He sent me D papers and wants me to sign them asap. I have not as I want to get a lawyer to advise me and represent me. He wants to just do it between us quickie style. Is this a case of him not wanting to face the situation? Just feel so hurt and I get angry sometimes although I try not to feel this way. Will it evver feel less painfull? Any insight would help. x

[Jstar]

I can surely underdstand where you are coming from. A little over a year ago I suffered a miscarriage 4 months in pregnancy. I never believed my h wanted the baby and I was under ALOT of stress. when I had to go in for the removal, i refused to give birth, I woke up blaming my h screaming at him and pushing him away as i came out of surgery.

he left me while i was pregnant with that child as well. He brought me home and left the next morning with our other child to his mothers for weeks. I suffered serious depression.

Fast forward, i got pregnant again, and very fortunately he's going to be born soon, with a lot of medication and of course no help from H yet again.

Please tell me you have gotten some counseling for the miscarriage? I understand divorce is the last thing you want to be dealing with now. Do not sign anything and find out the guidelines your state has for how much time you have to file a response to his divorce petition.

If you want to look at my post i'm later on in this thread under here we go again. it will make you feel better about your sitch.

[flossyfluff]

Hi Jstar, have been reading your posts. You have been through a lot and you are very strong. I have not gone for counselling yet for the miscarriage. I am away and will go back to our marital home. It has simply been all about him getting what he wants. He has never mentioned the loss or expressed anything about it. He is acting as though it never happended and he does not want to deal with it. He never wanted it. It's tough sometimes to imagine that but it is the truth.

I have cut all communiction with him, I am trying to heal and thinking about divorce is not my priority now. It's been almost two months since the miscarriage and I have not seen him for 2.5 months.

How do I deal with allthis? I am sad and sometimes want my H back but at other times feel that what he has done is unforgivable. I am confused and any communication from him really stresses me. I ordered the DB books but inthe meantime, I am reading the threads on the BB.

[Jstar]

He never wanted the baby is that what you meant by he never wanted it?

Dealing with it is going to be a challenge and I'm not going to say god only gives you what you can handle. You have got to try to distance yourself like you have and take care of you. You body may have healed quickly from the miscarriage but the rest of what could have been, bday's how old baby would be such and such will be there as well.

You take one day at a time, do as much as you can without causing yourself stress. Set a daily goal for youself, even if it is to just take a shower get ready and make yourself food. then the next day you add onto that.

I stupidly still want my h back and to have that life with raising children together my head knows it's not right he's not going to change. his character is who he is. My heart has not caught up despite all that he's done to me and the kids.

My h acted as though it never happened as well. Well that is until his mother put her lovely opinion in and told him ikilled the baby and taht i was trying to kill the one i'm carrying now. he refused to take any responsibility for the stress and hardship he caused. He never will take resonsibility or acknowledge it.

Your h may not know how to deal with it.

So if you are going back to the marital home you are going to need to prepare yourself to do that. Do you plan on staying there with him? The home belongs to both of you and you have as much right to it as him. DB would say for you to move back in, even if in seperate rooms. If he wants to pursue a divorce let him. You're not going to sign anything until you seek your own legal advice.

the thing you need to ask yourself is if you are going to return and move back in, are you prepared for what is going to happen or what could happen? Do you want to deal with that at this point in time?

I had to get on AD's to deal with the stress of situation because it was affecting me in all aspects of my life. thanks for saying i'm strong, my parents(m.g.r.t.s.) raised me that way. Unfortuantely my hair and skin are showing my age....trying to bring some humor.

[flossyfluff]

Thank you Jstar for your support and reply. You are strong and generous in your responses on my thread. Our situations are similare as I too miscarried during between 4-5 months. I was expecting twins. It was a horrible time during my pregnancy and the stress of it all, plus the depression and anxiety, lack of sleep, loss of weight/appetite, loneliness and his treatment of me made me think I was going insane and could not cope. He first told me hd did not want me and did not love me. Then when we had to be together in the same house again, he suddenly decided we had to stay together. I felt awful, like a thing that could be picked up or dropped when he decided it suited him. I was on AD's and anti-anxiety stuff, it was so bad. Anyhow, I have decided to go back to what is rightfully my home and it doesn't matter what he wants or thinks. How are you now and how is your pregnancy progressing? Like you, I still care for him. Why, I don't know.
I will return and I will dealwith anything he throws at me. Before I was quiet and did not want to provoke conflict but now I am angry and want to channel it into fighting for me.

If it's any comfort, my skin and hair have suffered a lot too!

[Jstar]

If anything I say helps anyone all the better.

Oh they do sound alike. Here's another lovely time he chose over me and d2. his sister's wedding out of town. he left me and d2 behind and took his mother and father. i'm vengeful picked up his big screen tv and set it outside for someone to take. be darned if he was going to throw d2 and i out like trash, i'd hit him where it mattered, materials.

What db says about moving back in is to act as if everything is ok and do 180's. they say let him spew his garbage at you, you will be a better person and set some boundaries. there are a bunch of threads with great advice of how to deal with the spouse being verbablly abusive in the same home.

so sorry for the losses of both babies. are you going in with the mindset of provoking him? probably not the best to do. I know I would not be able to do it. there are so many strong people on here who remain in their maritial homes when their spouse is carrying on an affair. but they are set on reconciliation, where i was not so sure now.

my lil big man is doing well, lots of weekly appointments to ob and perinatalists. find out thursday surgery date. h actually thinks he's gonna be allowed in. NOT gonna happen.

before you go back read michelle's book. reread them when you are struggling and feel you can not deal anymore or feel you are going to lose it. they are inspiring books and make most situations seem doable.

your h probably does not really know what he truely wants, sadly he is in a lot of pain as well,.

just you moving back to your home will demonstrate your start of him having to respect you.

[flossyfluff]

Thanks Jstar. I am beginning to feel better although there are really dark moments when sleep eludes me and I re-live the pain of the last months. I am trying to stay focused and not anticipate the future. It is diffiult living in the moment. Unfortunately I do not know how to quote parts of your response so I'll just put it in italics: "your h probably does not really know what he truely wants, sadly he is in a lot of pain as well,"- I ask myself constantly what pain he feels or if he does? I have come to the conclusion that he does not feel anything at all. He has never once mentioned the loss. All he said is that he wants to move on and that our relationship is damaged beyond repair. He is cold and selfish. That is all. I am moving back because I have been living with family and my life is on hold. I can't be suspended in this limbo forever. I also need to get my stuff going and there is no alternative but to go back. He did not want me to go back, he wanted to just kick me out and get it over and done with. I have no desire to provoke him, I just want to also be able to get on with my life, with or without him, and I have to go back. If he does not want to see me, that's ok but I have lots to sort out and all my stuff is there.