how can i cope with anger and sadness at him

[flossyfluff]

Had a tough day today. I keep wondering if he has any remorse or is is he having a great time somewhere without a care in the world? I have done the no contact unless absolutely necessary but my emotions will not do the 180. I keep wondering what he is doing or whether he is affected by what has happended. I want to feel better and be strong and emotionally independent. How do I do it? Any tips on emotional detachment?

[Jstar]

im not one to ask about that. I've been trying to get away from h emotionally, probably bcuz i'm pregnant and have this horrible moral of being with the father of the children.

it's ok to have tough days know that you will have them and also know that tomorrow can be better.

have you set any goals?

I'm there with you not being able to do 180's, i'm far to angry, disappointed ANGRY hurt to do anything. I dug my heels in or think i have in january.

there may come a point in time where you can ask him the things you want to know or he may come out with it. Not now, the fog is upon your h.

[flossyfluff]

Thanks Jstar. The 180's are diddicult emotionally. I wake up most mornings after dreaming that we are together again andhappy, and it really ruins my day as the regrets and dream linger on.. I am unable to shake them off.

I have been writing and planning what I want to do and how I want to achieve it.

I of course have to confront him in order to move on, one way or another.

I doubt he will ever come out and explain anything. I have never got a single apology from him, no mention or sign that he cared about the loss.

I just want to stop this hurting and start a new life, with or without him. He also blames me for all that happended, when it is he who dropped the bomb and had an affair. How incredibly selfish is that?

I have to struggle to smile today.

[luvless]

I doubt he will ever come out and explain anything. I have never got a single apology from him, no mention or sign that he cared about the loss.

I just want to stop this hurting and start a new life, with or without him. He also blames me for all that happended, when it is he who dropped the bomb and had an affair. How incredibly selfish is that?

it IS and it's VERY typical!

[Number 8]

I wonder the same things about my H, though I don't know your exact situation. We separated on 1/1/10 (his choice), and he's been staying with his mother and stepfather. He's been out to plenty of lunches, dinners, and movies with different guy friends. I believe he's even seeing a play this week. Ugh! I try to do the no contact thing, too, but it feels like it's killing me sometimes. I wonder if I ever even cross his mind, and it seems like you wonder the same thing about your situation. In my overactive imagination, I imagine him smiling and laughing somewhere, without a care in the world. I also can't help but think about how he's managed to become exempt from adult and household responsibilities by staying at his mother's house. I know this may be of no help to you, but I completely understand the feelings you've described. You're doing the right thing by sharing your feelings here. Hang in there, and I'll try to do the same.

[flossyfluff]

Thanks Jstr and Number 8. I know all the wondering is useless and a waste of energy (as one friend put it), but it occupies my mind all the time. I just woke up from adream where wer were happy together and holding hands and laughing. I hate that! Do you all also have dreams where everything is all right and back to normal and then you wake up and reality is so different? I have been dreaming about him lately and I just want it to stop.

I know H is partying and off on holiday weekends, out every night with friends and going to plush resorts. He did it while I was with him after the bomb and he must be doing it even more now that I am not in the picture. He is trying to escape from something and his friends of course encourage him to do this.... I have had no apology and I am not expecting any. Anything that he ever says will be too little too late, and will be of no consequence.

[Number 8]

Aaaaaahhh! The dreams! I hate the dreams. They are frequent, unfortunately. My dreams also involve our being happy and things being normal. They usually center around the bedroom, which also makes me realize just how different things are when I wake up.

My H has friends who are encouraging him, too, I'm afraid. They are part of the well-meaning group who offer a biased shoulder. I'm disgusted that some of them encourage him to do what "makes him happy." Early in the separation, I tried to explain that there is no him--now we're a team. We have a team problem that requires a team solution. He had no response other than he knew he was being selfish but he just wanted to be happy.

Do you think if your H ever chose to apologize you would accept it? Do you really believe it's too little, too late?

[flossyfluff]

I truly believe and know that he will NEVER apologise! He is a spineless and cowardly creature with the soul of an amoeba. He is edgged on by his family and friends but he has not understood that at the end of the day, he will carry his thoughts and conscience forever, while friends will come and go and family will continue to meddle and choose for him. He is not and has never been a man. I am glad to be rid of him. I really believe it IS too little, too late. What I can't understand is why my stupid heart continues to bleed for him as he is not worth it. But as we all know, THE HEART HAS ITS REASON THAT EVEN REASON KNOWS NOT.
I am tired of feeling awful and want to be happy again. There are extremely good and wonderful men out there who would make kind, loving and generous partners. Why am I even giving him the time of day, I do not understand. I have to free my brain of him, see him for what he is, and move on. I will force it if I have to. There is a saying: "if you do not love me then you do not deserve me" How true. All my hearache is a waste of energy, but try telling my heart that..!!

You will get better. We just have to weather out this stage which is difficult and very painful. Soon the pain will lessen and before long it will be just a memory. Let us open ourselves up to the possibilities that the future offers us. It is difficult but we can do it. Love plays tricks on us and makes us think that there is no other person out there for us. This is not true. There are plenty of great potential partners. We just have to make the leap. It is frightening to open up to the unknown but it is the only way. I will embrace the change and the pain and believe there is something better for me out there. Sending you cyber hugs, and here's to a bright and beautiful future.

[Number 8]

I certainly understand your pain and sadness, especially given all your events. You're right about getting the brain and the heart to cooperate. It's terrible to KNOW what you should do but be emotionally and psychologically unable to do it. My situation only began on New Year's Day, but it feels like a lifetime. [Side note: I posted the rundown of my situation last night as "New to separation and needing support." Read it if you're so inclined.]

I, too, am frightened of the unknown, but we really have no choice but to accept it and embrace it, right? Hugging you right back, and I'll be thinking about you. I wish a bright and beautiful future for you as well.

[Jstar]

I don't think I really dream of him anymore. There are moments when I'm awake i think of something we used to enjoy and i just think to myself, "Why can he not just wake up?" do what's right and good?

Maybe we should call them nightmares??? trying to bring a joke your way.

Mine apologized for not being there for me during pregnancy and all the pain he caused in a voicemail. then 5 minutes later left another voicemail berating me in the msg. I was under the impression you give an apology and change what you were sorry for? What do you guys think?

Friends, family every one encourages my h, i'm a white woman he's mexican, don't fit into their little niche of how it's supposed to work. I'm to independent, experienced, won't put up with crap. I guess that makes me be without a husband.

will post later gotta work.