Too Late For Us?

[mrbt]

I have been reading the divorce busting forum for several months but this is my first post.

My wife and I have been married for 21 years and have been together for 25. We do not have any children. We are both 44 years of age.

In May of 2009 my wife made contact with an old boyfriend (she had a PA with him 15 years ago). This quickly turned into an emotional affair that lasted for one or two months.

The emotional affair started with e-mail and advanced to phone calls while I was away on a business trip. Upon returning from my trip, I got the ILYBNILWY statement. The emotional affair was revealed during this same conversation.

I do not believe the affair got physical as the the other man lives in another state. It is possible that the communication is ongoing but I have no way to confirm this.

My wife tells me that the other man blew her off and is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Based on our many conversations, it seems that the emotional affair has brought my wife to the conclusion that she must not love me. Otherwise, the emotional affair never would have happened (same for the PA of 5 years ago).

My wife filed for divorce in November of 2009. I filed a counter complaint 30 days later (a response was required to preserve my rights). The state in which we live requires a 60-day waiting period from the date of filing before a divorce can be processed.

We continued living together for approximately six months after ILYBNILWY statement. During this time I was very depressed, desperate, and clingy. I was doing all the wrong things (pursuing, reasoning, pleading, etc.). The situation only got worse as time went on.

I did not discover the DIVORCE REMEDY book until some time in November, after the divorce filing. I gave the Last Resort Technique a half-hearted attempt thinking it was too late.

In mid-December I moved to a separate apartment in the same complex. The move was partly an attempt to accept that the situation was hopeless and to move on with my life. Although it seemed unlikely, I also hoped that my absence would cause her to reconsider.

Fast forward to today. The 60-day waiting period has come and gone. I believe all of the required paper work is complete. Its just a mater of setting a court date.

We still spend a great deal of time together -- we get along very well (provided we do not discuss the divorce). We have coffee together most mornings (at her apartment) and have dinner together a few days a week. Sometimes she visits my apartment. Intimacy, however, has not been allowed since all this started back in June of 2009.

I have been much better about not begging, pleading, etc. Although I do screw up, I am not as desperate. I will occasionally say something like "Are you ready to work on the marriage?" I try not to say "I love you" but often slip up -- usually during a goodbye hug.

I have not done a good job of getting a life. I feel like that is what I must do at this point but, like before, it feels like its too late. The pending divorce makes me feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb.

I am not sure where to go from here. Maintaining two apartments is a financial burden. When I moved out, I assumed she would be gone by the end of January. I am considering moving back home and camping out in the spare bedroom. Another alternative is to stay put and give notice on the apartment she lives in. Or, I could just keep things as they are for a while longer.

I am afraid giving notice on her apartment would just accelerate the divorce. I am hoping she still has some doubt in her mind and so I do not want to push her out. Any thoughts?

[Number 8]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know that it's hard for you. I understand how you feel when you discuss the difficulty in getting a life. It seems useless to think about that at a time when everything seems to be falling apart. My H and I separated (his choice) on 1/1/10, and I've had trouble imagining how anyone could do anything but sit and think about fixing a situation like this. You're not alone there.

Here's the hard part--you HAVE to work on getting a life and avoiding discussing your relationship. Don't give anything in the book a half-hearted attempt. You CAN do this. If you want to save your marriage, you have to keep trying Michele's methods. You will never know until you give it your all.

If you're concerned about finances, maybe you should discuss that with her when you're together WITHOUT making it seem like you're looking for affirmation or validation about you/your relationship. Discussing that one aspect without discussing the whole situation may give you some insight into how she feels AND put your mind at ease about financial concerns.

Stay strong, and give the book another read.

[mrbt]

Number 8,

Thank you for your reply. I will be thinking of what I can do to get a life and will post updates here as things progress.

[Number 8]

Good luck with it. I know it's tough. Think of things that you enjoy doing, and throw in a few things that will completely surprise her and make her wonder about you. I've done a few of those, and the looks of surprise coupled with his comments of wonder were soooooo worth it!

[chatterbug]

So this is the second one? Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

I suggest that you go very dark. Heal and move on. And if she comes back. You say NO!!!!

[mrbt]

Cutterbug.

Thank you for your reply. I had a feeling someone would suggest throwing in the towel. Yes, this has happened before (same guy 15 years ago). I have thought about going dark as you suggest. However, I would like to save the marriage if at all possible. Maybe I am being foolish. We have been together 25 years -- letting go is difficult. Maybe you are right but I am not there yet.

[jasper67]

I agree w/ Cutter- I know you guys live close by- stop the coffee and dinners, dont answer calls or texts- stop the hugs and asking to work on the marriage.

The GALing is the hardest part b/c mentally we are bogged down by things- like you said sitting on a time bomb. Fake it at first- go to a coffee house bring a lap top or book. Meet new people, etc. Hit the gym- see a movie go to the library- just stay busy and unseen.

[jasper67]

Going Dark can save your M- but for now there is no M

[MrBond]

So are we to understand that you moved out? If you did, then move back in. Especially if you're paying for her apt. too.

She's the one with the issues. She is the one that needs to take care of them. Not you.

I would start GAL-ing and invite friends over to your place. Especially since you live so close. The more female ones, the better. This isn't a trick or a ploy. You need to show her and especially show yourself that you've moved on and detached.

Show her the fun-loving guy that you can be.

[Ozymandias]

I know that I am not one to talk because I am having issues deciding how to handle my own sitch. However I am going post something I found while reading. It is a fictitious letter written from a girl to her best male friend. This is what your wife has turned you into:

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other [censored] guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

I am slowly coming to that realization in my own situation and I hope you do in yours.