I'm not sure you were kidding yourself. It's possible that you got what you were looking for, and realized it's not what you want. You've had two relationships since your divorce (if I got that right), and it may well be that part of you wanted something "lighter" this time around, with fewer strings, or something like that. You said your two previous relationships weren't really emotional. Perhaps you sensed that this relationship had an element of safety in that this man perhaps had an emotional investment elsewhere. And so you might get a little emotion, but not the full deal with all its ties and responsibilities? It's easier to end a relationship when you know the guy already has another involvement of some kind.
Though you might want to be in DQ's situation, there's also the process of getting to that place. How do you feel about dating someone who has nobody else, but sees you as the person they want to spend their life with? Would it scare you if you didn't really feel that excited about him, but he was excited about you? And you knew that if you turned him down he'd be deeply disappointed and feel like he had nowhere else to turn?
You may disagree with my line of questioning, but I think DQ would agree with me that anybody who allows herself to be pursued by a married man to the extent that you have, without asking more questions right up front, is not really yet in that "healthy" place that you and DQ seem to be talking about. And it's often not a case of "not knowing". Rather, it's a case of feeling comfortable with the wrong things and uncomfortable with the right things.
SSMguy, of course you disagree about MLCs; you generally do disagree with most concepts discussed here (especially those of Michelle WD who founded this site and has written very insightfully on the subject).
Obviously I'm not calling your friend a child molester. A child molester is merely the most obvious example of a person whose selfishness outweighs his/her ability to display altruistic love. A person "torn between two lovers" is similar in that (although s/he probably cares somewhat for both), s/he's primarily interested in his/her own feelings: "Look at *me*! What a painful situation *I'm* in! *I'm* going to have to hurt one of these guys! *I'm* going to have to give one of them up when *I* make a choice! Poor *me*!
He certainly wasn't married like YOU thought he was married!!! I believe, if you really think about it, that you knew from the first, deep down, that the relationship between the two of you wasn't quite "right." It was just that you managed to tweak it in your imagination to being something other than it was. So maybe you need to think about what the biggest attraction of having him pay attention to you really was?
Also, you say you've never been in a relationship which was both sexually and emotionally fulfilling. Partly, the kind of relationship DQ described is only possible when we're older, accepting of ourselves, free of neediness, and unafraid to look deep into our desires and to share them fully. (I'm still working on these things, and very happy with my progress!)
Also, since all relationships are 2-sided, you might want to look at your own blocks to emotional intimacy. What was your parents' relationship like? Your childhood? Why did you marry a guy 20 years older than you who wasn't capable of intimacy? What would it look like to be in an emotionally intimate relationship--how would you act differently? If you change yourself, the sorts of people you attract will necessarily change, too.
You wondered if Mr-Not-as-Thought was in an MLC. I've witnessed several first-hand, including my H's, as well as hanging out on the MLC board, and they are extremely painful affairs (pun intended). They are really extended depressive episodes in which the Mid-Lifer grapples with questions of aging and life accomplishments while dealing (for the first time) with severe hurts experienced as a child or teen. People with less damaging childhoods, or who are willing to face their demons, tend not to have them.
The MLCer tends to go through a series of personality changes for several years, from constantly angry, to a teenaged mentality, to withdrawn, etc. While under the influence of the teen brain--well, I think you've had experience raising boys?--they're secretive, have a huge sense of entitlement, and lie and rationalize and compartmentalize and have a rather distorted view of their marriages. Most have emotional or physical affairs, which they rationalize in the most amazing ways. They cause a lot of pain and damage, and yet are agonized and confused throughout.
So, yeah, you'd be well advised to steer clear of this guy, whether he's going through some sort of crisis, or merely a practised philanderer. But don't feel "embarrassed and silly." Like everything else in life, this was a learning experience--there were reasons why this situation developed as it did. If you can figure out what your contribution was, and what you'll do differently next time, then this whole episode hasn't been wasted.
SSMguy, of course you disagree about MLCs; you generally do disagree with most concepts discussed here
Ha, well, if I disagree with that, it makes it true (that I disagree with what's said here)!
Seriously, I've read several of Michelle's books, used their conseling service, and even talked briefly with Michelle at one point. I think she does an excellent job of describing how I feel. I have never seen anything that came so close, and it was very helpful.
If you stop taking things as black and white only, I don't think we disagree. I made no absolute statements about MLC's. Only that it's used as an excuse in a lot of cases. Not sure what you disagree with in regard to MLC's that I said.
If you're disagreeing about my statement that you can be in love with two people at the same time, I still say that you obviously can. And I also said that most women think that's wrong, and that matters. Apparently, you think it's wrong, and that's fine. I personally agree with you.
Yes, if you get yourself in a situation where you are in love with two people at the same time, it's a problem. A big one. What more do you want?
If you say people cannot be in love with two people at the same time, then why are people having a problem? Then there is no fog, right? And they could easily just go with the person who they are in love with, because they can only be in love with one person at a time. Simple.
So you want to define love for two people as totally dysfunctional? OK, and where did I disagree with that?
If you're going to say I disagree with something, state it clearly. I apologize for not having the time to go back through all the dialog like a lawyer. DQ already gave me a hard time about my shortcomings in that regard!
A person "torn between two lovers" is similar in that (although s/he probably cares somewhat for both), s/he's primarily interested in his/her own feelings: "Look at *me*! What a painful situation *I'm* in! *I'm* going to have to hurt one of these guys! *I'm* going to have to give one of them up when *I* make a choice! Poor *me*!
You're mischaracterizing the dilemma, as if it were a choice to feel the pain or not. It would be about like telling someone who hammered their finger by mistake that they're "primarily interested in their own feelings". In many cases, they did not plan on entering the situation, but once they're in it, they have to deal with it and that's painful.
Now, YOU may not have much sympathy for someone who's ended up in that dilemma, but that's an entirely different aspect.
And again, I'm not talking about a scheming child molester. Please.
"I love it. I love the pursuit. I love the attention."
Here is what you need to focus on and realize its worth...yes, we women LOVE to be pursued. You need to find an appropriate man to pursue you, and the right one will literally pursue you day after day forever and ever. And that way you'll feel that rush of love and chemicals day after day, forever and ever!
Done properly, would a husband ever have to worry about this kind of pursuit becoming annoying? And, I am assuming the MAVGOAD book to be one of the better tools for figuring out how to do this?
"I love it. I love the pursuit. I love the attention."
Here is what you need to focus on and realize its worth...yes, we women LOVE to be pursued. You need to find an appropriate man to pursue you, and the right one will literally pursue you day after day forever and ever. And that way you'll feel that rush of love and chemicals day after day, forever and ever!
Done properly, would a husband ever have to worry about this kind of pursuit becoming annoying? And, I am assuming the MAVGOAD book to be one of the better tools for figuring out how to do this?
I finished the book this weekend, and obviously know that the answer to my silly uninformed question is no. I think I will move on to more of John Gray's books, they make a lot of sense to me. Also read "The Reader" for pleasure this weekend. When I went to get it from the library, I got to the section and found the German language version of it first, and I was like, uh, how am I going to get through this one? and then realized the English version was right next to it!
And I do wish the original poster well, I do hope she reads MAVGOAD and found it interesting!
