She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

She tells me that she doesn't see the court date as anything other than a step in the process, it's not an end all. What frign process other than D is this the next step in?

What she fails to realize is the next step after that is her moving and me selling the house. She said once child support is set up at the court date that she's going to give me the money back so we can pay the mortgage.

If she doesn't see this as an end all, but she's not actively working on us, then why do it at all? If she plans to give the money back, then why?

I believe she expects us to go to court and continue to do what we're doing. If she's proceeding, then i have to proceed with the D. Proceeding means her moving, me moving, and the family home going for sale.

It also means she wont be seeing and hanging out with me like she has been. her continuing with the hearing is a non commitment from her, so what's the point in us doing things together?

[tbart01]

Two more days until our first court date. That's where we discuss custody and child support. She still doesn't see this as an end all, but another step in the process.

We spoke last night and agreed to the stipulations. i told her i gave all my financial information to my attorney and he will give a number to her attorney. She claims she won't contest whatever he proposes.

She wouldn't close the door on us, but she wouldn't open it either. the one thing she did agree to is to give me money to cover half the mortgage so we don't have top sell the house (just in case we get back together). She also wants to leave all my D4 outside toys there so she can play in her neighborhood.

I told her I wasn't in a hurry in the past to have her move because I didn't want the girls to leave their house. However, I told her that after the court hearing that she needed to move si that she could experience the way that I've been living. Also, i told her that I needed to take her security blanket away from (me and my money).

We both agreed that the only way she'll be able to get her time and space was for us to make the living arangement swap and for her to see what it's like without me. She said she could possibly go to the other home and start thinking about things and want to start the process of coming back.

I really couldn't figure out what to do with the house, because I'd want to keep it if we got back together. I asked her if she was completely closing the door or not. That's when she agrred to help me pay the mortgage so we can keep it.

We went out together Saturday night, spent the 4th together, and then went boating all day yesterday. She commented that things felt like normal to her, but she isn't ready for us to live together because she doesn't want to shell up again.

I agree, we couldn't live together successfully in her current state. She needs to finish working on fixing herself. Out of knowhere she tells me I can date, but she doesn't want to know, doesn't want the kids to meet them, and for me to not have sex until the D is final.

She also said to make sure that if i date, to do it on the weekends she has the kids so that she doesn't run into me. She said she would be jeleous, but she didn't want to dictate what I do.

[robx]

....Out of nowhere she tells me I can date, but she doesn't want to know, doesn't want the kids to meet them, and for me to not have sex until the D is final.

She also said to make sure that if i date, to do it on the weekends she has the kids so that she doesn't run into me. She said she would be jealous, but she didn't want to dictate what I do.

Listen I'm going to say it again just because you like to not hear this at all. She's telling you it's ok for you to date because she has someone in mind already, possibly someone she is dating already that you don't know about.

Do you see how she says it's ok for you to date, she is giving you permission so that she doesn't feel so guilty about what she's doing because she does feel guilty about the secrets she's keeping, the sneaking around, the lying, etc.

My answer would have been "OK, sounds good to me, I think it's a pretty good idea", agree with her 110% and then do it. Don't keep it a secret either, move on, let her go, date other women and then see what happens.

Just because you don't know about the guy she's been seeing/interested in doesn't mean he doesn't exist.

You've been warned.

One thing I'll add is her giving you permission to date and when you can you date (only on weekends, etc.), think about the mindset involved at this point, look at the amount of control she exerts over you:
- you are allowed to date, she is giving you permission
- if you date, you are only allowed to date on the weekends
- she is telling you when you guys can sell the house
- she started the d process
- she didn't close the door on your marriage but didn't open the door either, the decision is up to her, you have no control in any of this

I will give you some props,
you told her that she had to move,
you won't be house swapping,
she needs to live without your security blanket,
you moving on, detaching and dating other women will show her you're for real.

"She isn't ready" for you to live together, again this is her running the show.

Your position should probably be:
"I'm not sure about us anymore, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, you giving me permission to date other women only gives me insight into our current relationship problems, if you're willing to entertain the possibility of sharing me with other women, maybe it's safe to assume you've started dating other men, why would anyone give their spouse permission to date other people? I hope you're happy with whoever this person is, you should be with him, I won't stand in your way anymore. Good luck with him."

Smile and walk away and do just that,
move on, detach, let go of her, date other women,
she's been in control for so long, what happens to her when you actually take her up on the offer and find a great woman who actually wants to be with you, guess what, she loses control of you and the situation she's created and that's when this dynamic changes.

[tbart01]

robx I do see your point. I'm not saying I'm truly convinced that there isn't someone else either emotionally or physically. I have no proof or anything that would lead me to believe it's happening.

I have questioned and asked her about this. That's all I can do at this point. I'm not sure it really matters at this point, other than it would give me some clarity.

I think it will be much easier to detach once she moves and we're not spending so much time together. She won't feel the sting until she really lives without me.

She thinks it will be like when I was deployed. However, it wont be because she will not be living in her house or have access to my paycheck. All things she still had when i was deployed.

Reality will soon smack her right in the face. I have already begun to move on, and know for a fact that there are others that appreciate me and would want to be with me.

[WalkingMan]

Great advice as always, robx.

[tbart01]

My D and I were talking and she told me my w was texting someone named xxxx, and last night my W said she was talking to her female cousin but it was a male voice on the other end.

I asked my W about it, she explained what it was, may or may not be true. To be honest I don't care at this point. She acuused me of accusing her, and got angry at me because she knew i wouldn't be able to accept that this was actually about her and I only and not someone else.

After a some text messages back and forth, she called and said she was going home to tear into my D for trying to cause problems. I was in a doctors appointment, and walked out to run home and head her off.

I got there before her and tried to stop her from going in and tearing into my D. She went in and did it anyway. After awhile she started telling my D everything that was going on between us. she told her about the court date and that we were getting D for sure. Up until now, my D thought we were working on things.

As the conversation went on all my W was doing was saying bad things about me to my D, and trying to hurt me. Most of it backfired in her face, and even my D called her out on stuff. Unfortunately, the stuff my W said is actually what she believes to be reality.

At the end of it all we agreed that the door was closed on us. She had been mean and hurtful for the last time to me. I told her the only interaction we would have is to discuss issues with our daughters. No more doing things together or trying to act like a family.

Even my D told her to to get over the past. My W told my D that one of the reasons we're divorcing is because we can't see eye to eye. I told my D that no one in a relationship see's everything eye to eye. You do sometimes, but you work through what you can't

My W is very much detached from reality, and is the reason we will never be able to move forward together. All we can do at this point is move on separately. At this point it will be a miracle if we ever get back together. i told her that she didn't deserve me. I know I'm a good husband and father and don't deserve this treatment.

[robx]

My D and I were talking and she told me my w was texting someone named xxxx, and last night my W said she was talking to her female cousin but it was a male voice on the other end.

I asked my W about it, she explained what it was, may or may not be true. To be honest I don't care at this point. She accused me of accusing her, and got angry at me because she knew i wouldn't be able to accept that this was actually about her and I only and not someone else.

After a some text messages back and forth, she called and said she was going home to tear into my D for trying to cause problems. I was in a doctors appointment, and walked out to run home and head her off.

I got there before her and tried to stop her from going in and tearing into my D. She went in and did it anyway. After awhile she started telling my D everything that was going on between us. she told her about the court date and that we were getting D for sure. Up until now, my D thought we were working on things.

As the conversation went on all my W was doing was saying bad things about me to my D, and trying to hurt me. Most of it backfired in her face, and even my D called her out on stuff. Unfortunately, the stuff my W said is actually what she believes to be reality.

At the end of it all we agreed that the door was closed on us. She had been mean and hurtful for the last time to me. I told her the only interaction we would have is to discuss issues with our daughters. No more doing things together or trying to act like a family.

Even my D told her to to get over the past. My W told my D that one of the reasons we're divorcing is because we can't see eye to eye. I told my D that no one in a relationship see's everything eye to eye. You do sometimes, but you work through what you can't

My W is very much detached from reality, and is the reason we will never be able to move forward together. All we can do at this point is move on separately. At this point it will be a miracle if we ever get back together. i told her that she didn't deserve me. I know I'm a good husband and father and don't deserve this treatment.

"...i told her that she didn't deserve me. I know I'm a good husband and father and don't deserve this treatment."

I'll hold you to that last part,
let's see if you can make it stick ;-)

I'm sorry bro,
I didn't want to be right about this, I really didn't but your wife really had no good reason not to want to fix the relationship with you if someone else wasn't in the picture.

What would she have to lose by working things out with you if no one else was involved?

But she had plans already with someone else.

She got angry at you for accusing her,
she gave you permission to date (thank you wife, I appreciate that, you're allowing me to date while you've been seeing someone already, glad you're being fair about this LOL)
- she wants to give you false hope by going through the divorce procedure but letting you know that things might work out in the end (in case things don't work out with the other guy, you're the safe fallback option, the backup plan should planet fruitopia spontaneously explode when it collides with reality here on planet earth)
- she got angry at your daughter for siding with you because as much as she is enjoying the attention of another man, she doesn't like the feeling of being guilty about it and being judged for what she's doing.

You can handle it, I'm confident you'll get through this.

Time to take her up on her offer and start some social interactions with members of the opposite sex.

Regardless of how angry she appears right now, wait until she hears that you've gone out on a few dates. This is all very similar to the analogy of the new toy/old toy issue with a child, they want both if they can keep both and have a hard time making a decision on what they want, the new toy is exciting and new but the old toy has always been there, there is a feeling of security and history attached to it, the child wants to play with the new toy most of the time because it's new and exciting but doesn't want to let go of the old one just in case the new toy doesn't work out.

Sucks to be an old toy.

But.... I think you can turn this around,
first and foremost, you need a break from all of this.
A break from this problem, even a break from this site, take a few days/few weeks, relax/recuperate/regroup and start with a fresh relaxed mind and a clearer view of all of this. Focus on being a great person for yourself and a great parent for your kids.

Let your wife have her new toy as long as she knows that you aren't waiting around for her to come back.

[tbart01]

Went to court today and it was rather quick. The attorney's told the judge we agreed upon everything and presented it to him. My attorney is still waiting for W financials, so child support is still unknown. Both attorneys were very surprised to see we still talk and get along. They told the judge that we seem to agree on everything, so they didn't see a problem with the holiday schedule we need to come up with.

Afterward D15 had mentioned that W was telling her last night that I wasn't capable of being a primary parent, so I called mt W. I told her to immediately stop talking bad about me to my D or anyone else. She said she didn't say those things, but that she would from this point forward stop bashing me (we'll see).

She then asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her so we could discuss further. We both realize that D for some reason is pitting me against my W. We're somehow going to try and get a handle on that to at least prevent blow ups like yesterday from happening. She admitted that how she reacted yesterday was completely wrong, and would try not to let that happen again.

All in all it was a little emotional, but not as bad as I thought. My W left without saying anything to me, but we sat together in the court room. It still sucks, and cut's like a knife, but I'll rise above and conquer.

[robx]

Went to court today and it was rather quick. The attorney's told the judge we agreed upon everything and presented it to him. My attorney is still waiting for W financials, so child support is still unknown. Both attorneys were very surprised to see we still talk and get along. They told the judge that we seem to agree on everything, so they didn't see a problem with the holiday schedule we need to come up with.

Afterward D15 had mentioned that W was telling her last night that I wasn't capable of being a primary parent, so I called mt W. I told her to immediately stop talking bad about me to my D or anyone else. She said she didn't say those things, but that she would from this point forward stop bashing me (we'll see).

She then asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her so we could discuss further. We both realize that D for some reason is pitting me against my W. We're somehow going to try and get a handle on that to at least prevent blow ups like yesterday from happening. She admitted that how she reacted yesterday was completely wrong, and would try not to let that happen again.

All in all it was a little emotional, but not as bad as I thought. My W left without saying anything to me, but we sat together in the court room. It still sucks, and cut's like a knife, but I'll rise above and conquer.

"Primary parent" is a bit of a technical term,
interesting your daughter would mention that out of the blue, you think she came up with that herself? I don't, I think she may have overheard your wife talking to her lawyer about child custody, etc.

Your wife has bad mouthed you in front of the children before, you've mentioned as much in previous posts. So it comes as no surprise that she continues to do this. Your wife needs to be careful about this, it can actually look very negatively on her character in a court of law, openly talking poorly about the other spouse/parent to your children is a NO NO. Document how many times this is happening and let your lawyer know about it. Document the arguments that involve her and her daughter, at this point, it's a necessary evil.

As far as pitting you against your wife, I don't see it that way. I think your daughter is angry at your mom, she isn't pitting you against her, you guys have responsibility for the existing situation, she is however angry at your wife, it's possible she has seen or heard too much of what your wife may have been doing while you were away, possibly late night interactions on the phone or computer with another man.

As for going out to lunch, I would say coffee instead of lunch, make it more casual and again this becomes your decision as to the venue and keeps it more focused on what needs to be discussed instead of blurring it with friendly chit chat over lunch. Like you said, she left without saying a word to you, no need to reward that behavior with a lunch with you, just my 0.02 cents.

You can handle it.

[knightinneed]

Just go ahead and do it, date! I did and you know what I feel very good about it. My STBXW is dating too, oh well. I know some people are saying wait until the dust settles? I dunno, i had a real fun weekend with a very nice woman, and I DIDNT THINK ABOUT STBXW, just do it. ROBX and Gucci all the way : )