"I messaged her that it was nice how we were able to interact with one another in a positive and relaxing manner n that I was able to help her out with stuff."
Start by stopping doing things like this.
Geez did you read ANY of the 19 pages of posts people write to you?
We've all been telling you what not to do, but you do it again and again and come back here asking "why?" "why?"
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You mean messaging her in general or expressing appreciation for us getting along?
I hadnt done a lot of messaging to her like I used to over the past few weeks...but since we had had a good day I mistakenly thought it was appropriate to express appreciation for it. Given the pleasant tone of the message and that I had helped her out with her car I really didnt expect her to snap back at me how she did.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
what is D3 saying to her?????/
As I understand it, its mainly variations of "Mommy come home".
You mean messaging her in general or expressing appreciation for us getting along?
Both...There was no reason to text her, you were hoping she would say the same thing back...Unless it's an emergency about D3 there is no reason to text her. She was nice and relaxed with you and then you pressured her, I know you don't see it that way but it is.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I pretty much told her that...and that it was ok to let ones guard down now and then...that you never know what you might be missing out on keeping your guard up. I then told her it was hard for me to think all was well when she kept bringing up that is wasnt. I told her that if something just doesnt happen its one thing, but to deliberately block it from happening when one is enjoying onesself seems to be depriving one of all that life has to offer.
Why would she take your advice when you won't take your own?
She doesn't have her guard up, like you think. She's not secretly pining for you, wishing she were with you, hoping that things would work out. If she did have those feelings SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU AND NOT THE OTHER MAN....THIS VERY MINUTE.
She's telling you that she doesn't want to be you. You have the text in black and white not to get used to it. She's being clear as day.
But you on the other hand, either can't or won't accept this. I know you won't listen to this advice bc you haven't listened to anyone else in the past 20 pgs of help on this thread, but all the same. Take your own advice.
Why would you want to put yourself through misery by doing nice things for her when she's not wanting them. Why don't you appreciate all that life has to offer, like being less emotionally crazy, to make your daughter as happy as possible? Surely your daughter must pick up on that you're upset or unhappy. Even if you don't say it directly, kids are sharp and they know when their parents aren't feeling right.
Why don't you let your guard down and stop pretending that you don't want anything to do with her and pissed off at her low morals or whatever else is floating around your head. Let your guard down and admit that you miss her. Take time to grieve for it. It's a significant loss, but one you can get over. But you won't even begin to get over it until you admit you lost her.
For the record, she's gone. She is your EX.
Life is wonderful, there are so many people who would be good to you, and I don't mean in a romantic way. Why focus on a woman who is draining your soul instead of finding positive people to share your interests, like being part of a hobby group or working out at the gym?
Also, do you understand that you are, essentially, the Other Man as well. if she's living with her boyfriend, she's cheating on him, with you. There's no reason for you to put air in her tires, thats her job or his job. Her car has nothing to do with you or your daughter.
Don't you think you are worth enough for one person to be committed too? It's certainly not the situation you have going on now.
Read what you wrote. Don't expect your ex to do something that you yourself won't.
The 180 to do is not speak at all about the R, progress, defense mechanisms, or what's standing in the way of progress.
I thought long and hard about my sitch- and a decent R has turned into a broken record of yea buts, and cant you see, and I just dont understand...
And that's my shirt.
Any interaction w/ W has been soured by R talk or me analyzing her/pressuring her.
It does stress her out and it is annoying at best...remember, you need to break the cycle- b/c she's obv not changing her views.
And I know it seems disingenuious to ignore the issues by not speaking about them- BUT start forging the new R by being cool, detached, and just enjoy the time you have w/ her...the more she associates you (or me) w/ stress and angst, the worse off we all will be.
and also remember the Om scenario- again, similar to my own sitch...
we deserve better, so we should start acting like it.
Our emotions will change minute by minute, but if we allow ourselves to experience them fully w/o taking measures to wash them away or ignore them- they will start to level out.
While OM is in the picture, you need to be unattainable.
And when you do interact- keep it light and fun; like you could care less of who you were spending your time w/
Why would you want to put yourself through misery by doing nice things for her when she's not wanting them. Why don't you appreciate all that life has to offer, like being less emotionally crazy, to make your daughter as happy as possible? Surely your daughter must pick up on that you're upset or unhappy. Even if you don't say it directly, kids are sharp and they know when their parents aren't feeling right.
Oh she likes my doing nice things for her...but its on her terms and its a one way street. Once she's gotten what she wanted out of me (eg. the time I had to drive across town in January to get the car seat our of her car) then I may get a curt "thanks", and then I'm kicked to the curb.
Originally Posted By: knittedscarff
Why don't you let your guard down and stop pretending that you don't want anything to do with her and pissed off at her low morals or whatever else is floating around your head. Let your guard down and admit that you miss her. Take time to grieve for it. It's a significant loss, but one you can get over. But you won't even begin to get over it until you admit you lost her.
Oh no...I fully admit I miss her and still have feelings for her. If I didnt...anything she did or said would be of no consequence to me and cause no reaction by me whatsoever.
Originally Posted By: knittedscarff
Also, do you understand that you are, essentially, the Other Man as well. if she's living with her boyfriend, she's cheating on him, with you. There's no reason for you to put air in her tires, thats her job or his job. Her car has nothing to do with you or your daughter.
Don't you think you are worth enough for one person to be committed too? It's certainly not the situation you have going on now.
yeah I kinda wondered about that too. they arent living together...thank goodness. but some of the things I've done for and with her over the past couple of months, while non-intimate in nature, arent necessarily stuff one would normally have their ex do or do with their ex.
And its probably just a little mind game she's playing so I'll be available for help/favors in the future...but she refuses to flat out say that we are done for good and will never be together again...and if someone was giving me stress like she claims I am doing to her, I know I wouldnt hesistate to say it. it's always "we're done for now" or "this is how things are, for now". Even this morning she was like "after all the names have been called one day isnt gonna make things all better...it's gonna take a lot more than that and I cant make any promises".
If she cant see how saying stuff like that can hold someone back and mess with someones head/emotions...shes more blind than Ray Charles.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
And when you do interact- keep it light and fun; like you could care less of who you were spending your time w/
and thats kind of what I was doing yesterday up until she decided to get in that jab about not mistaking our time together to mean anything. I mean...there was no need to point that out. Its not as if I came home and said "ok we spent the day together...now everything is wonderful. lets start making wedding plans". The conversation between us never went beyond D3 stuff and casual talk that people would have with a co-worker. As I said I hadnt planned on spending the day with her and I only gave the R a thought when she took that jab. I was just enjoying the moment. It was like the Charlie Brown cartoon where he's gonna kick the football and Lucy yanks it out of the way at the last minute.
It was like the Charlie Brown cartoon where he's gonna kick the football and Lucy yanks it out of the way at the last minute.
Lucy ALWAYS pulls the football away and Charlie knows this and still does the same thing and get the same results...I see similarities.
Quote:
and thats kind of what I was doing yesterday up until she decided to get in that jab about not mistaking our time together to mean anything. I mean...there was no need to point that out.
There was no reason for you to send the text you did...If you went out with ANY other friend would you have sent a text like that, I doubt it.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
The conversation between us never went beyond D3 stuff and casual talk that people would have with a co-worker. As I said I hadnt planned on spending the day with her and I only gave the R a thought when she took that jab. I was just enjoying the moment. It was like the Charlie Brown cartoon where he's gonna kick the football and Lucy yanks it out of the way at the last minute.